Your Next Date Could Be The One; Self Love & Finding Your Person: Ricki Liorti | Ep. 114 - Gent's Talk

[00:00:00] You can't be in a relationship if you don't love yourself.

[00:00:02] Think about how many people try and change who they are

[00:00:04] because they're scared that the other person might not like them.

[00:00:07] Eventually, you're not going to be able to. And then what?

[00:00:10] Ricki Liorti is a dynamic and engaging social media influencer,

[00:00:14] podcast host, entrepreneur, and most recently published author with a growing community.

[00:00:20] Anytime a relationship has gone wrong, I've always wanted some form of closure.

[00:00:24] Even if I got it, it wouldn't have made a difference at all.

[00:00:27] We all want closure, but does closure really mean anything?

[00:00:31] No. In that journey of mine, it was the self-love piece that I had to learn.

[00:00:35] It's tough to look in the mirror and not love yourself.

[00:00:37] I've been there, and holy crap.

[00:00:40] First thing you do is you look at yourself. You look in the mirror and say,

[00:00:42] if I had done this differently with this relationship before,

[00:00:44] if I had tried harder here, if I didn't say this,

[00:00:47] and ultimately, no, sometimes there's nothing you can do.

[00:00:50] Sometimes you're just not going to be enough for that person.

[00:00:53] There's nothing wrong with that.

[00:00:55] To somebody else, you will be the perfect amount of enoughness.

[00:00:58] You think you're ready for a relationship?

[00:01:22] Ricki, what's going on? How you doing?

[00:01:25] Doing great. Lots going on, though. Lots going on.

[00:01:28] As I obviously just told you, got this step challenge right now.

[00:01:32] I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

[00:01:35] 300,000 steps.

[00:01:36] 300,000 steps in one week.

[00:01:38] Why?

[00:01:39] So I hit 250,000 followers on TikTok maybe a month ago,

[00:01:43] and I was like, I need to do something to celebrate.

[00:01:45] I'm big on celebrating the wins, acknowledging the losses,

[00:01:48] and just getting better.

[00:01:50] Especially social media is a little bit of a business for me now.

[00:01:52] I said, let's do something fun.

[00:01:55] My first idea was to eat 250 strawberries.

[00:01:58] That was idea one.

[00:01:59] Quickly shot that down.

[00:02:01] One of my friends' little sister was like,

[00:02:02] Ricki, why don't you do 250,000 steps in a week?

[00:02:05] And I'm like, okay, that seems pretty doable.

[00:02:07] The problem is I hit 300,000 within not even 10 days.

[00:02:10] It was just a crazy month on social media.

[00:02:12] So I was like, okay, let me lock this in,

[00:02:14] because if I get to 350, that's unachievable.

[00:02:17] So I said, I looked up my calendar.

[00:02:19] This was kind of the week that I wasn't insanely busy,

[00:02:22] and we decided to do 300,000 steps seven days.

[00:02:25] So it's about 43,000 steps a day.

[00:02:28] And it is just, it is grueling.

[00:02:31] I bet.

[00:02:32] It is just like the legs work.

[00:02:36] The legs are just, it's like a robot.

[00:02:38] The legs are just slowly puddling along,

[00:02:40] but the mind is just, man,

[00:02:43] it's tough.

[00:02:45] Okay, so you've been,

[00:02:47] so you're on this journey for 300,000 steps.

[00:02:50] How many steps have you done so far?

[00:02:52] It has a right now.

[00:02:52] I'm probably about 180-ish, 175.

[00:02:57] And this is a Friday.

[00:02:58] So you've got the rest of...

[00:02:59] Yeah, I basically worked from home today.

[00:03:01] Took the day off.

[00:03:03] So I've got the rest of the day today,

[00:03:04] all day Saturday, all day Sunday.

[00:03:05] So I'm hoping to do 50,000 today, 50,000 tomorrow,

[00:03:09] and then end it with a little bit

[00:03:11] of an easier walk on Sunday.

[00:03:12] So I could go out and celebrate and do something fun.

[00:03:15] I really like the fact that you're celebrating your wins.

[00:03:18] Oh, big time.

[00:03:19] Not a lot of people do that.

[00:03:21] I don't do that and I struggle with that.

[00:03:23] I kind of take a win and I go,

[00:03:24] okay, great, what's next?

[00:03:26] And then I look back on, I know,

[00:03:28] I look back on it and go,

[00:03:29] fuck, I really should take a moment to just

[00:03:31] let it sink in, let it settle.

[00:03:34] Are you big, are you really goal-driven?

[00:03:36] Yeah.

[00:03:36] So you, and you really don't celebrate them?

[00:03:38] No, it's hard for me.

[00:03:39] It's like I get to a goal and I go,

[00:03:41] great, I've achieved it,

[00:03:43] but as I'm about 80% near completion,

[00:03:47] I'm already thinking about what comes after that.

[00:03:49] And it's what keeps me going.

[00:03:52] And it's hard because at times

[00:03:54] then I won't stop to celebrate the wins.

[00:03:56] And it's only on the days where I'm feeling shitty

[00:03:59] about myself, something didn't go well,

[00:04:02] I just woke up in a bad mood,

[00:04:03] whatever the case may be,

[00:04:05] where I then have to sit there and go,

[00:04:07] okay, Samir, you're gonna have to actually

[00:04:08] start to think about your last few wins.

[00:04:11] And realize how far along you've come.

[00:04:14] Right, this journey that you're on.

[00:04:15] Do you acknowledge the losses?

[00:04:18] Oh, 100%.

[00:04:19] So if you acknowledge the losses,

[00:04:20] why don't you celebrate the wins?

[00:04:22] It doesn't make sense.

[00:04:23] I know.

[00:04:24] I'm very, I've always been,

[00:04:26] I've always been goal-driven.

[00:04:28] I've always, every time in New Year's,

[00:04:30] I always set goals for myself.

[00:04:32] And if it comes in my mind,

[00:04:33] as soon as it's in my mind,

[00:04:34] it's like crap, I gotta set this goal now.

[00:04:36] And it's like clockwork.

[00:04:39] I think of something and it's boom,

[00:04:41] okay, as soon as I thought about it,

[00:04:42] we're doing it, let's set the goals,

[00:04:43] and let's move on.

[00:04:45] But I make sure I celebrate all the wins.

[00:04:46] Because if you don't,

[00:04:48] then what's driving you to get those wins?

[00:04:50] I'm not saying the celebration is what drives me

[00:04:52] to get the wins,

[00:04:53] but it's nice to acknowledge,

[00:04:54] hey, I just, I crushed this goal.

[00:04:56] You know, I did a half Ironman last year,

[00:04:58] Ironman 70.3.

[00:05:00] And I trained so hard for it.

[00:05:01] I trained for four months,

[00:05:03] 20 hours a week almost.

[00:05:05] And then I finished it.

[00:05:06] And I was like, heck yeah.

[00:05:08] I lined up like five different things to celebrate.

[00:05:10] And I told everybody I could.

[00:05:11] I wore my medal around the office.

[00:05:13] I did everything I could.

[00:05:14] I was like, I'm going to a concert.

[00:05:15] What do we celebrate?

[00:05:16] We're gonna go out, we're gonna have a fun time

[00:05:17] because I just completed something that,

[00:05:19] I don't know, less than 1% of the human population can do.

[00:05:23] That's a big one for me.

[00:05:24] You know, this little step challenge,

[00:05:26] even though it's so insignificant in the big picture,

[00:05:29] to me, this is a massive thing.

[00:05:31] Like I'm, I know how much I'm struggling with this

[00:05:33] and I'm usually pretty good at these

[00:05:34] like physical challenges.

[00:05:36] So I'm gonna make sure that once I finish this,

[00:05:38] I will be doing something to celebrate.

[00:05:39] I don't know what it's gonna be yet,

[00:05:40] depending on how I feel Sunday night.

[00:05:42] Or maybe Monday I'll treat myself to a really nice dinner

[00:05:44] or maybe I'll go for a casual walk with a bunch of friends

[00:05:47] and have a couple of patio drinks on Monday.

[00:05:49] I don't know what it's gonna be yet,

[00:05:50] but I know I will make sure to celebrate

[00:05:52] because if you don't celebrate the wins

[00:05:54] and you don't acknowledge the losses,

[00:05:57] then you're never gonna, maybe not never.

[00:05:59] But for me, I feel like I'm not able

[00:06:00] to move on to the next chapter

[00:06:02] and really learn from my mistakes

[00:06:04] or really even analyze how I won

[00:06:06] or how I achieved those goals.

[00:06:07] So I think celebrating the wins and acknowledging the losses

[00:06:10] is such a big part of goal setting.

[00:06:12] How do you, how do you acknowledge your losses?

[00:06:15] Oh, oh man, I journal a lot.

[00:06:17] Okay.

[00:06:18] So when I don't, when something doesn't go my way

[00:06:20] or doesn't go as planned, especially when it's a bigger goal,

[00:06:23] I'll sit there and I'll say, okay, what did I not do?

[00:06:26] Is it, did it not go my way because of me?

[00:06:28] Is it something that I could have done?

[00:06:30] Is it an external factor?

[00:06:31] How could I prepare differently?

[00:06:33] How could I've, I don't want to say been better,

[00:06:36] but how could I have done things differently

[00:06:38] to achieve the goal?

[00:06:39] And you're not always gonna win.

[00:06:40] Like it's, you learn more from your losses

[00:06:42] than you do from your wins

[00:06:43] and it's important to acknowledge them

[00:06:44] because that's how you get better.

[00:06:46] And when you sit there

[00:06:47] and you really kind of write everything down

[00:06:49] and put up, you know, a pen to paper,

[00:06:51] you say, okay, oh, okay, well,

[00:06:53] this is where I think I went wrong.

[00:06:54] I'm not saying if I did this differently,

[00:06:56] I would have achieved my goals,

[00:06:57] but maybe that slight, like that slight different thing

[00:07:00] would have gave me a different outcome.

[00:07:02] It's kind of like the butterfly effect, right?

[00:07:03] That butterfly flaps, it swings

[00:07:05] on one side of the world

[00:07:05] and creates a tsunami on the other.

[00:07:08] Like sometimes you can look back

[00:07:09] and say that was it, that was that one day,

[00:07:11] you know, today it's a rain day.

[00:07:12] Let's say I didn't walk today

[00:07:13] and I didn't achieve the goal.

[00:07:15] I can pinpoint I didn't hit 300,000 steps

[00:07:17] because of today.

[00:07:18] I had a bad day today.

[00:07:19] But sometimes it's not always black and white.

[00:07:21] Sometimes, you know, the goals are a little bit bigger

[00:07:23] and not so black and white where, you know, okay,

[00:07:26] maybe it was this, maybe it was that,

[00:07:28] but hey, the next time I do something,

[00:07:30] let me try this, let me try that,

[00:07:31] let me, you know, some goals

[00:07:33] I didn't achieve in the past, in a few years back

[00:07:35] because I was just not focused enough.

[00:07:38] I wasn't driven enough on that, it's one specific goal.

[00:07:41] I've had goals earlier this year

[00:07:42] that I didn't achieve and, you know,

[00:07:44] I went back to the drawing bar and said,

[00:07:45] why didn't, why, why didn't it work?

[00:07:47] What, what was the issue?

[00:07:49] You know, was it me?

[00:07:51] Was it them?

[00:07:51] Was it my partners?

[00:07:53] Was it, what was it?

[00:07:55] And it's tough when you don't know.

[00:07:57] It's tough when you can't pinpoint exactly.

[00:07:59] But I think that's the process of growing.

[00:08:00] That's the whole process of analyzing things.

[00:08:02] Sometimes that, you don't know.

[00:08:04] But if you can kind of learn to evolve

[00:08:07] and try things differently and keep going,

[00:08:08] because I don't know the exact quote,

[00:08:10] but something like, if you're making the same mistakes

[00:08:13] twice or three times, obviously you're not doing something right.

[00:08:15] It's like, hey, I made this mistake.

[00:08:17] Let's move forward.

[00:08:18] Hey, I'll make a different mistake,

[00:08:19] but at least it's not the same one.

[00:08:20] Imagine after four or five times,

[00:08:22] you'll probably get it right.

[00:08:23] Yeah.

[00:08:24] So you, let's backstep a second here.

[00:08:27] You're a digital creator.

[00:08:30] You own a pickleball team, which is really cool.

[00:08:32] It's insane.

[00:08:33] I'm going to ask you about that in a moment,

[00:08:35] but your own the pickleball team,

[00:08:38] you have a book recently.

[00:08:41] Congrats on that.

[00:08:43] And you seem to resonate with your audience

[00:08:47] when it comes to conversations around dating.

[00:08:50] And I think that's what makes this particular conversation

[00:08:53] enticing because you talk about it from the lens of men

[00:08:57] where we don't always openly talk about

[00:09:00] our dating experiences.

[00:09:02] You open up a social media app.

[00:09:04] It's very easy to find a girl on the app talking about

[00:09:08] some really bad experience or red flags, green flags,

[00:09:12] those kinds of things, but you rarely see guys doing that.

[00:09:15] Why is that important to you?

[00:09:17] I think it's important to see that.

[00:09:20] And I hate saying this without sounding cocky or anything,

[00:09:23] but I'm okay with my looks.

[00:09:26] I'm a little bit above average on the physical scale.

[00:09:29] And I take care of really good care of my body.

[00:09:32] And people can see me like,

[00:09:33] oh, you can get any girl you want,

[00:09:34] or you can have your pick of the litter.

[00:09:37] Well, no, it's not how it works.

[00:09:39] Sometimes it's not just about looks

[00:09:41] or sometimes maybe our personalities don't click.

[00:09:43] And sometimes you want people to say,

[00:09:44] hey, you're not the only one struggling with this.

[00:09:46] I am too.

[00:09:47] It's not easy.

[00:09:48] Like dating in today's society isn't easy

[00:09:50] with all the options people have

[00:09:52] and how the mentality of if it's broken,

[00:09:56] let's get a new one instead of if it's broken,

[00:09:57] let's fix it.

[00:09:59] So I want people to watch my content and say,

[00:10:01] you know what?

[00:10:02] Like fuck him too.

[00:10:03] This asshole is going through the same thing

[00:10:05] I'm going through this.

[00:10:06] This dude is in my head.

[00:10:08] How is he saying exactly what I'm thinking?

[00:10:10] Because you want people to know they're not alone.

[00:10:12] All right.

[00:10:13] It happens to all of us.

[00:10:14] Dating is not easy.

[00:10:15] Finding your person is not easy at all.

[00:10:18] And it's one of the hardest things you can do

[00:10:20] because you're not renting a car for a week.

[00:10:22] You're not, you know,

[00:10:23] renting a condo for a week.

[00:10:24] You're not picking what to eat for dinner.

[00:10:25] This is your life partner.

[00:10:27] This is the person you are going to spend the next 10,000 meals with.

[00:10:31] This is your forever travel companion.

[00:10:33] This is someone that you want to see forever with.

[00:10:36] That's why it's not so easy.

[00:10:38] And it's tough because even the person

[00:10:39] that you think is your forever person might not be.

[00:10:42] We've all been through breakups.

[00:10:43] Everyone in this world who's over the age of 20 something

[00:10:46] has been through a breakup

[00:10:47] where they thought, hey, this is my person and it's not.

[00:10:50] Sometimes you just, you made a mistake.

[00:10:53] So I want people to know, hey,

[00:10:54] it's you're not the only one going to this.

[00:10:56] I'm going through it.

[00:10:56] This person's going through it.

[00:10:58] This person's going through it.

[00:10:59] If you go through my comments,

[00:11:00] if you think you're having a bad day with dating,

[00:11:02] go through my comments one day

[00:11:03] and you'll realize, man,

[00:11:05] you are not going through a bad day at all.

[00:11:06] Trust me, there are people with a lot worse situations than you.

[00:11:10] And again, we've made a little community where

[00:11:12] I don't want to say we poke fun and we joke around about it.

[00:11:14] But hey, you know,

[00:11:15] there's some things that are very serious

[00:11:17] that I talk about when it comes to dating

[00:11:18] and finding your person and like what?

[00:11:21] I think one of the biggest things for me

[00:11:23] in terms of like the serious conversations,

[00:11:24] is like, hey, don't rush.

[00:11:26] Don't just pick someone because society tells you it's time.

[00:11:29] And I'm 34, I'm going to be 34 very soon.

[00:11:31] You know, society told me I should have been married

[00:11:33] in my late 20s, you know,

[00:11:35] buying a house in the suburbs

[00:11:36] and starting to have kids by 30.

[00:11:38] Well, I haven't met the person I want to do that with yet.

[00:11:40] And I thought I have many times and I was wrong.

[00:11:43] So I'm not going to listen to society.

[00:11:45] I'm going to listen to me and my heart

[00:11:46] and my brain and my mind.

[00:11:47] And when I meet the person that feels right,

[00:11:49] then I'll do it.

[00:11:50] Never mind the biological clock.

[00:11:51] So, and I know it's different

[00:11:53] and people are going to say, Ricky, you're a man.

[00:11:54] It's easy for you to say that women have biological clocks.

[00:11:57] You're right. Women do have biological clocks.

[00:11:58] And it becomes a lot tougher after a certain age.

[00:12:01] But I'd much rather start a family in different forms

[00:12:06] than start a family just because of a biological clock

[00:12:09] or just because society tells me it's time to start a family.

[00:12:12] So I do try and bring up some more serious conversations

[00:12:14] with the content.

[00:12:15] But I also want to keep it cheeky and lighthearted

[00:12:17] where people can come in.

[00:12:19] I don't want to say escape their crappy dating situation

[00:12:22] or they can come and have a good laugh and know that,

[00:12:24] hey, you know what? It's not just you.

[00:12:25] It's me too. It's all of us.

[00:12:27] Yeah. What have you always been this way?

[00:12:30] So open about the dating experience,

[00:12:32] the basically talking about things

[00:12:34] that you don't hear guys talk about very often.

[00:12:36] I mean, I talk about them.

[00:12:38] The guys that come on this podcast

[00:12:39] are open to talking about them.

[00:12:40] But for the most part in society,

[00:12:42] a lot of dudes are not.

[00:12:44] Pretty, pretty, yeah.

[00:12:45] They're shut down.

[00:12:45] Yeah. I don't think I've always been like,

[00:12:47] I've always been an extrovert.

[00:12:48] I've always, you know, been a very social person,

[00:12:50] very outgoing.

[00:12:52] I think when I when I battled depression in 17,

[00:12:55] 2017, 2018, around that time,

[00:12:57] I think that changed a lot of things for me

[00:12:58] because it's like, hey, you're not bulletproof.

[00:12:59] You're not the tough man that everybody wants you to be, right?

[00:13:03] Life isn't always perfect.

[00:13:05] And I opened up about that.

[00:13:06] And once you start opening up about that,

[00:13:08] talking about anything else is a lot easier.

[00:13:10] Like, you know, I can talk about my crappy dating situation

[00:13:12] because I've told the world now

[00:13:14] I suffered from something that you can't see.

[00:13:17] And on the outside, everyone's like,

[00:13:18] oh, Ricky, like you've got it together, right?

[00:13:20] You've got a good family.

[00:13:21] You've got a good job.

[00:13:21] You've got a roof over your head.

[00:13:22] You've got food on the table.

[00:13:24] You've got amazing friends.

[00:13:25] You know, I've had beautiful partners in the past.

[00:13:27] And that doesn't mean shit when you're battling something.

[00:13:30] Like internally, when you're having those days

[00:13:32] where you don't want to wake up,

[00:13:34] nobody cares about anything else.

[00:13:36] Sorry, not nobody.

[00:13:36] You don't care about anything else.

[00:13:37] You don't care about how much money you make.

[00:13:39] You don't care how beautiful or amazing your partner is,

[00:13:42] how fun your friends are, where you're traveling to next.

[00:13:44] None of that matters.

[00:13:45] You're just trying to get out of bed in that morning.

[00:13:47] So once you open up about something

[00:13:49] like that, what's talking about dating like to me?

[00:13:53] It's nothing.

[00:13:54] It's a walk in the park compared to opening

[00:13:56] about those dark, dark, dark days.

[00:13:58] What triggered the depression?

[00:14:01] I've always explained this kind of...

[00:14:04] And I explained this to you earlier too,

[00:14:06] but picture this little plate as your life.

[00:14:09] This little plate or this little coaster is your life.

[00:14:11] It's held up all these pillars, right?

[00:14:13] My fingers are the pillars.

[00:14:14] You got your family.

[00:14:15] You got your friends.

[00:14:16] You got your career.

[00:14:17] You got your hobbies.

[00:14:18] You got your social life.

[00:14:19] You got all these pillars.

[00:14:20] One pillar goes down.

[00:14:23] It's no big deal, right?

[00:14:24] You and your friends are fighting.

[00:14:26] No big deal.

[00:14:26] Your career is good.

[00:14:27] Your social life is good.

[00:14:29] Your hobbies are fun.

[00:14:29] Everything else is good.

[00:14:30] Well, now your friends are fighting.

[00:14:32] And you just...

[00:14:33] You've got a bad...

[00:14:34] Work isn't good.

[00:14:35] You just got fired or something.

[00:14:36] Okay, well, two out of five or six,

[00:14:38] you're still plugging along.

[00:14:39] Maybe not as strong as you should.

[00:14:41] You're not walking as fast as you should,

[00:14:42] but you're still strutting along.

[00:14:44] When three or four start to fall,

[00:14:46] then your whole life starts teetering.

[00:14:47] And that's kind of just what happened to me.

[00:14:49] I remember the day it happened.

[00:14:52] I wasn't seeing my family and my friends

[00:14:53] as much as I wanted to.

[00:14:54] Work was crazy and busy,

[00:14:56] and I wasn't as focused as I needed to be.

[00:14:58] I was drinking a lot at the time,

[00:14:59] not like anything out of the ordinary,

[00:15:01] but just more than a normal person should.

[00:15:04] And I thought it was normal

[00:15:04] because it's Friday, Saturday.

[00:15:06] Cool, let's go drinking.

[00:15:08] But I just came to the point

[00:15:09] where everything happened at once.

[00:15:11] And I remember I was driving

[00:15:13] in a Tobok on the saga area.

[00:15:15] And it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

[00:15:16] And I just pulled over.

[00:15:18] I remember calling my mom thinking like,

[00:15:19] I don't know what the fuck is wrong,

[00:15:21] but I am not okay.

[00:15:23] And my mom, God bless her soul, she's my rock.

[00:15:26] She basically called the therapist right away

[00:15:28] and within four hours I went to a therapy session.

[00:15:31] And I have no shame with that.

[00:15:32] I think therapy is the single best thing

[00:15:35] you can do for mental health and anything.

[00:15:37] Not even just mental health.

[00:15:38] Any sort of mindfulness

[00:15:40] or any sort of mind routine,

[00:15:44] I think it's amazing for because,

[00:15:45] look, when your teeth are fine,

[00:15:47] you still go to the dentist for a checkup.

[00:15:49] Sometimes you still get a massage.

[00:15:51] Even if nothing really hurts,

[00:15:51] you go see the chiropractor

[00:15:52] just to make sure your bones are in line.

[00:15:55] Why not go see a therapist

[00:15:55] even if your mind isn't hurting?

[00:15:57] Just for that checkup.

[00:15:58] That day obviously wasn't a checkup.

[00:16:00] I went to see the one.

[00:16:02] I vented and cried for about an hour straight,

[00:16:05] but I didn't feel the connection.

[00:16:06] I went to another one maybe a couple days later.

[00:16:08] And then I went to what is now my therapist.

[00:16:11] And she was the third person.

[00:16:12] And I've been with her since 2017.

[00:16:16] I don't go as often as I should now.

[00:16:18] Now I do go more so for checkups,

[00:16:20] but I still try and go three or four times a year

[00:16:22] once a quarter.

[00:16:23] And most people don't know this.

[00:16:25] Like 95% of benefit plans cover therapy.

[00:16:29] Yeah, you get a $500 budget

[00:16:30] or $1,000 budget.

[00:16:31] Therapy is about $20, $50 depending where you go.

[00:16:35] So you can get three to four therapy sessions

[00:16:37] a year for free.

[00:16:38] It's interesting because the comment you make

[00:16:42] about not feeling or a fit connection

[00:16:46] with that first therapist,

[00:16:48] I think is something where it's already hard

[00:16:50] enough to get people to go see a therapist.

[00:16:52] But then if they go and they don't feel that connection,

[00:16:55] they automatically dismiss the whole thing

[00:16:57] and say, look, see, it doesn't work for me

[00:16:58] as opposed to trying to find another one

[00:17:00] where you do feel that connection.

[00:17:02] Because I can speak to that.

[00:17:03] Once you have that connection, it just feels right.

[00:17:06] You don't feel like you're just paying someone.

[00:17:08] It's not transactional anymore.

[00:17:10] It's someone helping you professionally.

[00:17:12] To get you to where you need to get to.

[00:17:14] And it's funny because most people think like,

[00:17:15] oh, what did they teach you?

[00:17:17] They say, well, not what did they teach you?

[00:17:19] It's like, what questions did they ask me

[00:17:20] that made me think about things differently?

[00:17:23] When we talk to our friends that we've met,

[00:17:25] none of us are trained professionals.

[00:17:27] Sorry, not none of us.

[00:17:28] But our friends aren't trained professionals

[00:17:30] for the majority of the time.

[00:17:31] So they'll ask questions and they'll do the best

[00:17:33] they can in talking and open up to your loved ones,

[00:17:35] your friends and your family is one of the most

[00:17:36] important things you can do too.

[00:17:38] But sometimes you tell a story to your therapist

[00:17:40] and they ask you a question that you wouldn't have

[00:17:42] even thought of.

[00:17:43] And I'm like, why the hell are they asking me this?

[00:17:45] And then you start talking, I'm like,

[00:17:47] now I know exactly why they asked me this question

[00:17:49] because this connects to something else

[00:17:51] in a previous session that opened up a new box

[00:17:53] that made me think about things differently.

[00:17:56] And I use the example of teachers.

[00:17:59] You think about how many teachers

[00:18:00] you have in your life going through school.

[00:18:01] Some you love, some you didn't.

[00:18:03] The ones that you love made a very big impact

[00:18:05] on your future.

[00:18:06] The ones that you didn't maybe didn't.

[00:18:08] So if someone goes to a therapist and they didn't feel

[00:18:10] that connection, don't be a deal.

[00:18:12] Go to the next one.

[00:18:12] Try and know until you find because when you find

[00:18:14] your therapist, you know, I've got so many friends

[00:18:16] that go to therapy now and I've recommended my

[00:18:18] therapist to too many of my friends and people

[00:18:21] I know where she won't take anymore of my friends.

[00:18:23] She was like, it's too connected now.

[00:18:25] Like please no more referrals anymore.

[00:18:27] I said that jokingly but she, I sat down with her.

[00:18:31] I just felt something.

[00:18:33] I felt good.

[00:18:33] I felt at home.

[00:18:34] I felt at ease and anyone who does therapy after

[00:18:37] a good therapy session, you feel like a million bucks.

[00:18:40] Like, you know when you finish a good workout,

[00:18:42] you know, get berries, glasses or something,

[00:18:43] you feel like a million bucks.

[00:18:45] She's like, oh yeah, I feel like I'm the most

[00:18:46] jacked guy in the world.

[00:18:48] You finish a good therapy session,

[00:18:49] that puts any workout to shame.

[00:18:51] I feel like I can walk out of there and I'm just,

[00:18:53] what are we doing today?

[00:18:54] How am I conquering the world?

[00:18:55] It's like Ricky, it's 9 p.m.

[00:18:56] Like let's go to bed.

[00:18:58] But I love it.

[00:18:58] Okay so what would you say then to the guys

[00:19:01] out there listening to this, watching this,

[00:19:03] even some of whom are probably in your circle

[00:19:05] see this, hear this, know you and are still resistant to it.

[00:19:09] What would you say to them?

[00:19:10] How do you encourage them to go out and get that kind of help

[00:19:13] because we still struggle.

[00:19:15] Guys have this barrier that's set on us from society

[00:19:19] but also self-inflicted.

[00:19:21] Or we just go, if we were to express ourselves this way,

[00:19:24] we're going to get shunned for it.

[00:19:27] I had on a music artist who talked about how

[00:19:30] he's celebrated for his vulnerability

[00:19:33] because he's got a big platform.

[00:19:36] Someone sees you, sees the social media accounts and goes,

[00:19:39] well it's easy to express vulnerability

[00:19:41] because all the comments are supporting you

[00:19:43] but if I were to express vulnerability

[00:19:44] to my closest people I might get shunned and shut down.

[00:19:48] What do you say to those guys?

[00:19:50] It's never going to be easy.

[00:19:51] And when I, in 2017 when I started going to therapy

[00:19:54] I didn't have any of the social media stuff.

[00:19:56] Like this is all the last couple years

[00:19:57] but when I started I was, you know,

[00:19:59] I had no social media following.

[00:20:00] I was working in construction which I still do

[00:20:02] and I was doing other odds and ends but

[00:20:05] I remember telling my friends

[00:20:06] and they all said the same thing like,

[00:20:07] what? You suffer from depression since when?

[00:20:09] How? You're always smiling.

[00:20:10] You're always happy.

[00:20:12] I put on a smile every time I went out

[00:20:14] and I tried to live life as best as I could

[00:20:17] when I was suffering.

[00:20:18] Some days you couldn't, some days you could.

[00:20:20] Some days you put on that mask

[00:20:21] and you wear that character

[00:20:24] but some days you couldn't.

[00:20:26] And anybody that's listening that's thinking,

[00:20:28] I don't know if it's for me, I don't know.

[00:20:31] You sometimes you don't know what's for you until you try it.

[00:20:34] Your favorite food in the world,

[00:20:35] you didn't know was your favorite food

[00:20:37] until you ate it for the first time.

[00:20:38] Your favorite restaurant, your favorite person,

[00:20:40] your favorite whatever.

[00:20:42] You didn't know how important that person

[00:20:44] or that thing was to you until you tried it

[00:20:46] for the first time.

[00:20:47] So what do you have to lose?

[00:20:48] Go there, sit there.

[00:20:49] If it doesn't work there's not,

[00:20:51] you lost nothing.

[00:20:52] It's an hour maybe a little bit long

[00:20:54] and a little bit short or whatever

[00:20:55] but you can sit there

[00:20:57] and tell someone about your life

[00:20:59] and the worst case scenario, you talked for an hour

[00:21:02] and there's nothing wrong with that.

[00:21:04] Best case scenario, you opened up things

[00:21:06] that you never knew were inside of you.

[00:21:08] You got to talk about your feelings and emotions

[00:21:11] in ways that you didn't even know was possible.

[00:21:14] And sometimes you walk out of there and say,

[00:21:15] holy crap I didn't realize how much I love that.

[00:21:19] And I've told so many of my friends

[00:21:20] and a lot of my friends have listened

[00:21:22] and like even though they're not battling,

[00:21:23] even though they're not struggling,

[00:21:25] they'll go just because they know how important it is

[00:21:28] and they know how much of a difference it made in my life.

[00:21:31] And I was never suicidal.

[00:21:32] I was never thinking about taking my own life

[00:21:34] but I remember my darkest days,

[00:21:36] I didn't want to get out of bed.

[00:21:37] I was hoping I wouldn't wake up.

[00:21:38] I was like you know what?

[00:21:40] That like if I can get to the place I am now

[00:21:43] from that place, imagine what it could do to someone

[00:21:47] that's already 10 steps ahead of me.

[00:21:48] All right, I remember all my darkest of days

[00:21:51] and I used to live in city place.

[00:21:54] There was a homeless guy right outside my unit basically.

[00:21:57] He lived right outside of my condo.

[00:21:59] And I remember one morning being jealous of the homeless guy.

[00:22:01] I'm like nobody needs him, nobody's relying on him,

[00:22:03] nobody's breaking his balls, nobody wants anything from him.

[00:22:06] He's just sitting there on the street chilling.

[00:22:09] And I remember being like really,

[00:22:11] I wish I could just do that right now.

[00:22:12] I wish I could just park the car, get out, sit there

[00:22:14] and the world doesn't need me today.

[00:22:17] That's like that's a dark place.

[00:22:19] It's a really dark place for someone

[00:22:20] who's got a good amount of things going for him.

[00:22:23] But at that point it didn't matter to me.

[00:22:25] I was just like you know what?

[00:22:26] I want to just disappear from the world.

[00:22:28] And therapy was a big reason I got past that.

[00:22:30] To where I am now, I'm not saying it was just therapy.

[00:22:33] I have amazing friends, I have amazing family,

[00:22:35] I've got everything else sorted again.

[00:22:38] But therapy was what helped me get back to who I am

[00:22:41] and helped me get to the places I am now.

[00:22:43] And for anyone listening, if you think that it can't,

[00:22:46] you think you're the best version of yourself,

[00:22:48] go to therapy, see if there's a better version of you.

[00:22:50] And if there's not, then at least you know

[00:22:51] you're out the best version of yourself.

[00:22:53] You talked about the pillars in your life falling.

[00:22:57] What were those pillars?

[00:23:00] I think our lives are held up by these pillars.

[00:23:03] Your family is a very big part of your life.

[00:23:06] Me, my mom, my dad, my brother,

[00:23:09] now my sister-in-law, my little nephew

[00:23:11] are a big massive part of my life.

[00:23:13] My friends, another big part of my life.

[00:23:15] My career, my career goals and what I'm doing,

[00:23:18] the majority of my week, big goals.

[00:23:21] My relationships, I think for anyone who says

[00:23:25] their relationships aren't a big part of their lives,

[00:23:27] even if you're single, the want to find a relationship

[00:23:30] weighs on you and whatever stage you are

[00:23:33] in your phases of love, it weighs on you a lot.

[00:23:37] Your hobbies and your interests

[00:23:39] and the things you love doing,

[00:23:40] those are what basically make a person, in my opinion.

[00:23:44] Right? Obviously there's a lot more to it

[00:23:45] than just out your health and whatever.

[00:23:48] But those were the big things and my family

[00:23:51] wasn't as strong as we are now because we're changing in life.

[00:23:54] I wasn't living with my brother at the time

[00:23:56] for the first time in many years.

[00:23:58] My parents were focusing on work and doing other things.

[00:24:01] Friends, we weren't going out seeing each other

[00:24:03] as much as we were because some friends were traveling,

[00:24:06] some friends had girlfriends now,

[00:24:07] they weren't coming out as much

[00:24:08] and we weren't as tight of a knit as we used to be.

[00:24:12] I wasn't playing as many sports as I was.

[00:24:14] My hobbies that I used to love doing,

[00:24:16] I wasn't playing just because of the time of the year,

[00:24:18] my relationship.

[00:24:19] I was the most toxic relationship ever

[00:24:23] and you can't get out of it because sometimes

[00:24:25] you love the person and you can't step out of it

[00:24:27] because again, you know it's toxic but here you are.

[00:24:31] I forget the other pillar

[00:24:32] but I mean a lot of the times that...

[00:24:34] Well let's talk about the toxic part

[00:24:36] because I think that's such a powerful point

[00:24:38] when it comes to dating and relationships today.

[00:24:42] There's so many people I encounter

[00:24:43] who talk about having been in a toxic relationship

[00:24:48] or in one now and it's almost like they're completely helpless.

[00:24:54] They're self-aware enough to know that they're in it

[00:24:57] or that they were in it but for so long

[00:24:59] they were unable to get out of it

[00:25:01] or right now still can't find a way out.

[00:25:04] It's tough.

[00:25:05] What's happening there?

[00:25:06] I think the problem is you love the person so much

[00:25:09] and you know you love the person

[00:25:10] and your mind is telling you to get out

[00:25:12] because it's toxic but your heart is telling you to stay.

[00:25:15] Is it love though or is it just comfort and the discomfort?

[00:25:18] It depends. Everybody's different obviously.

[00:25:19] I know with mine it was love.

[00:25:20] Like I was with one of my long-term girlfriends

[00:25:24] when I was younger I was loved.

[00:25:25] Like I was obsessed with her.

[00:25:27] I was in love with her.

[00:25:28] We had so much fun but there were some big characteristics

[00:25:31] between us that just didn't click.

[00:25:33] I made it really toxic and it was so tough

[00:25:36] and we used to fight so bad and I was part of it.

[00:25:39] Anyone that's in a toxic relationship,

[00:25:42] I'm not saying both people are always toxic

[00:25:45] but usually it takes two to tango.

[00:25:47] I was here and I was like oh my ex was so toxic,

[00:25:49] my ex was so toxic.

[00:25:51] Did you play a part in this

[00:25:53] or were you completely innocent in this?

[00:25:56] Because if you were completely innocent

[00:25:57] maybe you would have walked away a little bit earlier.

[00:25:59] Sometimes maybe you poked at their insecurities

[00:26:01] or maybe you did certain things that didn't help

[00:26:04] that other person and created that toxic environment.

[00:26:08] So sometimes it's tough to leave

[00:26:10] I've been there and I've had relationships too

[00:26:13] even one of my previous relationships

[00:26:15] where they'll just walk away

[00:26:17] and it's like good for you.

[00:26:19] I don't have that strength to just walk away

[00:26:21] from something that's not going right.

[00:26:23] I'm the type that I'll fight.

[00:26:24] I'll do everything I can to make it work

[00:26:26] and I'll try and clear the toxic air

[00:26:29] or the toxic water and make it work again.

[00:26:31] But some people are like no this is toxic, I'm out.

[00:26:33] And sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but it's tough.

[00:26:36] I used to be that way.

[00:26:37] I used to be the I'll fight for it

[00:26:38] no matter what and then I went through a really shitty divorce

[00:26:44] and that created this sort of guardrail.

[00:26:47] And now I'm at a point where any relationship

[00:26:52] not just romantic friendships family business

[00:26:57] if I find that it's toxic I'm out.

[00:26:59] And you know what the pain of ripping off that bandaid like that

[00:27:04] is much easier than prolonging that pain

[00:27:07] and ultimately making it worse.

[00:27:09] Yeah, but it's a process.

[00:27:10] But again it took you that painful divorce to see that.

[00:27:14] I'm sure maybe 10 years ago sometimes you would let the toxicity slide a little bit

[00:27:19] because you're in it.

[00:27:20] Oh yeah.

[00:27:20] And you go through that monumental change in your life

[00:27:23] where you're like whoa holy crap I never want to be in this spot ever again.

[00:27:28] And it's kind of one of the things that I guess

[00:27:29] I don't want to speak on your behalf

[00:27:31] but probably you learned from that divorce.

[00:27:32] You said hey I went through this this sucked.

[00:27:35] This was painful.

[00:27:37] Same with me and my ex.

[00:27:38] When me and my ex broke up I remember I've been single for four years

[00:27:42] since my long term ex minus my little relationship I had recently.

[00:27:45] I was single for four years because I said I knew how toxic that relationship was.

[00:27:50] I knew how hard it was.

[00:27:50] I knew how much it strained me, my mind, my body, my everything.

[00:27:54] I won't get in another relationship until one I'm mentally there

[00:27:57] and I know what I want and I know the type of person I want.

[00:28:00] And then two like I know that I'm mature enough to not be jealous

[00:28:03] because I was part of the toxic problem too.

[00:28:06] I got jealous over things that shouldn't have been jealous about.

[00:28:09] We've all been there and anybody says they're never jealous.

[00:28:11] Okay maybe you're not as jealous but everybody's jealous

[00:28:14] and to be a little bit jealous is healthy in a sense right?

[00:28:18] You know you should love your partner that much

[00:28:21] where a little bit of jealousy is okay.

[00:28:22] I'm not saying you should be jealous

[00:28:24] because they're wearing a certain outfit to a bar or club like that.

[00:28:26] And that's very where we draw the line but

[00:28:28] you know to not want your partner flirting with other people like yeah okay that's

[00:28:32] you know you can see that that would make someone jealous.

[00:28:35] But I think a little bit of jealousy is fine and you know if you can learn how to not

[00:28:41] add to the toxicity of a relationship then you know that you're ready to go into another one.

[00:28:47] And I was single for literally four years from my previous ex was before COVID.

[00:28:53] So you know 20 we broke up in 2020 early 2020

[00:28:56] and then I dated someone recently for about a month and a half two months

[00:28:59] and it was almost four years between the moments between the two relationships.

[00:29:04] You think you're ready for a relationship?

[00:29:05] Yeah the problem is I know what I want now

[00:29:08] and I'm looking for a very specific person.

[00:29:11] What's that?

[00:29:12] I'm looking for someone who's beautiful inside and out,

[00:29:15] someone who's caring, someone who's family oriented,

[00:29:17] someone who loves the things I love you know loves going for walks,

[00:29:20] loves being outside you know is very confident with who they are

[00:29:23] and who I am in our relationship and what we're about together.

[00:29:25] Someone who's goal driven and wants to I don't want to say take over the world

[00:29:30] but someone who wants to celebrate the winds and someone who strives to be better every single day.

[00:29:36] And you know I thought I met somebody and it didn't work out and it's not that I'm

[00:29:42] staying away from love because it didn't work.

[00:29:44] It's like no it didn't work and it broke my heart

[00:29:47] but at the same time you know I was single for four years.

[00:29:49] I'm ready to get back on the horse.

[00:29:51] Okay sometimes you know you're not as I'm not on dating apps swiping every day trying to

[00:29:56] meet my person but if I meet my person then I'm more than happy with it and I'd be excited for it

[00:30:01] but am I actively doing everything I can to go out there and find someone?

[00:30:05] No because I think it should happen naturally.

[00:30:08] I think it should happen organically just you know I'm so driven with all my other goals.

[00:30:11] Relationship goals is very it's like the last thing on my to-do list.

[00:30:15] It's like finding a girlfriend is literally the last thing on my goals for the year.

[00:30:19] It's always at the very bottom.

[00:30:20] I set all my goals every year and I look at my goals every year and

[00:30:23] literally the relationships is always at the bottom.

[00:30:26] You know I got my friendships and my personal goals.

[00:30:28] I got my health goals, I got my career goals, I got all my random things I do goals.

[00:30:33] The relationship's always at the bottom.

[00:30:34] It happens I'd love it you know again I met somebody recently and it was magical.

[00:30:39] It was one of the best relationships I've ever had.

[00:30:41] It didn't work and you move on and that's how it goes but I do think I'm ready.

[00:30:46] It's just you know when I meet my person it's not easy because again I'm

[00:30:49] possibly one of the pickiest men on this planet and I do believe people should be picky.

[00:30:54] I think if everybody was a little bit pickier they would find their perfect person

[00:30:57] just you know sometimes it's tough because society tells us we should be married with

[00:31:01] kids by 30.

[00:31:02] You know our family and friends put pressure on us like I don't know if you've got

[00:31:05] siblings as soon as my brother got married or found his partner got engaged

[00:31:09] the your next comments.

[00:31:12] Yeah you're next you know how's your dating going?

[00:31:15] It happens at the wedding too.

[00:31:17] Before the wedding it starts I started dating my previous girlfriend you know earlier this year

[00:31:21] and there was a girl, look she's one of you guys getting married it's like we literally just started dating.

[00:31:27] You know it's like okay well if you guys said I love you it's like why is that the

[00:31:30] don't you want to know what she does?

[00:31:32] Don't you want to know who she is?

[00:31:32] Like don't you want to hear about her?

[00:31:34] It's like why is it okay we're getting married you're next.

[00:31:37] It's like what if I don't want to be next?

[00:31:39] What if I want to take my sweet ass time?

[00:31:41] What if I want to travel the world with my person before we get married?

[00:31:44] What if I want to have kids before we settle down?

[00:31:47] What if I want to do anything I want to do but against society and the external pressures

[00:31:52] kind of force you but I uh I'm very thankful that I don't give a fuck what other people think

[00:31:57] and I'm almost I don't want to say I'm too selfish but I am selfish to the point where

[00:32:02] I live outside of my close circle I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.

[00:32:07] You can think this great you that's your life you go do that for yourself.

[00:32:10] I'm going to do what makes me happy because at the end of the day when I put my head on my

[00:32:14] bed and I close my eyes and I go to bed you you you nobody's with me it is me my own thoughts

[00:32:19] my own feelings my own actions my own words and I'm gonna be happy with that person when I go

[00:32:23] to bed at night because if not it's a slippery slope and you know people are always trying

[00:32:27] to please other people well what are those other people doing for you when you go to

[00:32:32] bed at night fuck off you are the one that you got to deal with each and every

[00:32:36] single waking moment in your own mind and the mind is more powerful than anything else in

[00:32:40] this world and anyone disagrees with that is completely out to lunch the mind is everything

[00:32:45] and if you're not happy with what's going on in your mind you are in big big trouble.

[00:32:50] So the dating scene today a lot of comments that we've received on the pod whenever we've

[00:32:58] had dating conversations have been around how when guys open up and talk about

[00:33:03] you know this is my boundary or this is what I'm looking for or I need someone that I can be myself

[00:33:10] and if I am going through a tough day I can express that to my partner we've had comments saying if

[00:33:15] you do something like that you're not gonna find a partner do you agree with that?

[00:33:21] I oh that's a tough one I agree with it in a sense but it's also you know maybe you're

[00:33:28] not sure find your person yet it might be a little bit harder too but at the end of the

[00:33:31] day like I said this part you have to be yourself you have to tell people your boundaries tell people

[00:33:36] what you want tell people what you don't want I'd rather break not going on a second or a third date

[00:33:41] than tell someone my boundaries 10 20 dates in when I really care about this person but then we

[00:33:45] find out that our core values don't fully align or my long-term goals and your long-term goals

[00:33:50] don't align then all right shit we're in trouble here because now it's too we're too far gone

[00:33:56] to leave you know after 20 dates your good chance you might have real serious feelings for something

[00:34:02] you might be in love what now but you you don't want kids I want kids oh well shit we should have

[00:34:07] talked about this early on and I'm not saying on a first date you're dropping you know I want

[00:34:11] kids I don't want kids I want to get married by this age like you know but there's subtle ways

[00:34:14] to to introduce things and I'll give an example maybe about two years ago I went on a date with

[00:34:19] with a mother beautiful lady she's got a seven-year-old daughter and we had an amazing time

[00:34:25] literally an amazing time I knew she had a daughter there's nothing wrong with that

[00:34:28] we went on a second day and on the second day she asked like what are we I was like well I'm not

[00:34:32] I don't I don't want to put labels on anything or now that's not how I work I like to just

[00:34:35] see where things take us I like you let's keep hanging out let's keep doing this didn't work

[00:34:40] for her she's like no it's not gonna work for me I've got very set timelines I want this to

[00:34:45] happen by this day and I was like cool I respect that thank you just that doesn't work for me

[00:34:49] we had a great night after that we didn't talk she's now got everything she wants with

[00:34:54] a different man and I'm I couldn't be happier for her just I wasn't what she was looking for

[00:34:58] and there's nothing wrong with that you are never going to be everybody's cup of tea

[00:35:03] but there is someone out there that you will be their perfect cup of tea and I strongly believe

[00:35:07] that I believe everyone's got a soulmate out there I believe everyone's got like 10 soulmates

[00:35:10] out there you just gotta go and find them 10 soulmates maybe 20 I've heard I've heard the

[00:35:15] the multiple soulmates yeah I don't believe that there's only one person for you out there

[00:35:18] because what if my one person lives in like Brazil I'm Brazilian I could go down to Brazil

[00:35:23] and find a soulmate like my mom and dad my dad's from Canada my mom's from Brazil how they met

[00:35:28] is the craziest story ever they were soulmates they're still together after 40 years and they

[00:35:33] are yin and yang two complete opposites but they match each other perfectly and they're still

[00:35:38] together 40 I think they're gonna be on 40 years soon actually what have you learned from that

[00:35:43] relationship I learned that you don't have to be the same person you know which is so important

[00:35:48] which is am I my previous actually most of my relationships we've been very similar

[00:35:53] even my previous relationship we were identical like we were two peas in a pod and it didn't work

[00:35:58] and sometimes I was like why didn't work we're the same person this should have worked perfectly

[00:36:02] and we have the same goals we're same driven we love to travel we love our families there was

[00:36:06] so many boxes that got checked that doesn't mean it that doesn't mean you're perfect for

[00:36:10] one another sometimes you need someone who's maybe a type A or a type B maybe you need

[00:36:15] someone that's a little bit more forgiving and someone that's a little bit more understanding

[00:36:19] maybe you need someone that's more going to someone's little more you don't know as long

[00:36:23] as you find that person that you match with perfectly and it's tough to find that person

[00:36:27] obviously if it was easy everybody would be doing it and everyone would be married 40 years

[00:36:31] it's not easy to do let's call spades made it's fucking tough to find your person

[00:36:35] but I've always said I won't get married until I find what they have and they showed me that

[00:36:41] you know they're gonna fight they all I've seen if mom I know my I know my mom's listening to this

[00:36:46] I've seen some fucking fights I've seen fights are like oh shit man is this the one like is this the

[00:36:52] one that ends it but they always come back to each other and they love each other so much and

[00:36:57] that's what I want I want to I want to grow old with somebody I want to grow old and

[00:37:01] until I do until I find that exact person I will happily be single and I will happily be

[00:37:06] out here doing the bullshit I'm doing on a daily basis and having fun and living life and traveling

[00:37:12] and beating to the sound of my own drum because at the end of the day like I said I'm I care about

[00:37:17] me and my happiness the most right now and so I meet my person to say hey this is us now

[00:37:22] I'm gonna keep doing my own shit and one day I will find the person I you know I joke about

[00:37:26] it all the time like fuck it's tough right but I do believe everyone's got their person or

[00:37:29] their persons out there you just gotta go and find them and sometimes they're not always

[00:37:33] in plain sight sometimes you have to work to find them sometimes it sometimes the person might be

[00:37:38] right there you just didn't even know it like how many times do we hear stories about people dating

[00:37:42] someone they met in high school like 10 years later that's just hey maybe you've got a group

[00:37:46] maybe you gotta grow maybe the timing wasn't right before you never know well you talked about

[00:37:50] how tough it is to find people in the space why is it so tough these days I mean I

[00:37:58] my theory on this is so I'm in a relationship it's a wonderful relationship and I'm every time I talk

[00:38:07] to someone who's single and tells me about what dating is like today I'm just like I don't want

[00:38:11] to be a part of that it's to your point earlier it's like oh I can just find another one

[00:38:17] it's very quick to just jump to the next and everyone's afraid of telling each other

[00:38:22] what they think how they feel because everyone's just playing a game with each other

[00:38:26] and I think deep down ultimately everyone just is yearning for someone to want them as much as they

[00:38:33] want the other person but nobody wants to just say it it's tough because 20 30 years ago you dated

[00:38:40] people from your hometown because that's what you had accessibility to now there's thousands of people

[00:38:46] hundreds of thousands of people literally just a swipe away and I wish we can go back to our

[00:38:51] parents time we're roughly the same age I wish we go back to our parents time where it was

[00:38:55] if it's broken you're not throwing it out you're fixing it like there's that old Chinese proverb I

[00:39:00] think where it's you know when glass shatters they put it back together with like a special

[00:39:03] gold or glue to make it stronger more beautiful than it used to be I don't know the exact quote but

[00:39:08] you know that's what our a lot of our parents like you know the divorce rate 20 years ago

[00:39:13] isn't what it is now a lot of times people if it's broken okay well I can go on this

[00:39:17] happen oh look at look at this beautiful girl or beautiful man and okay let me just

[00:39:21] swipe right oh they swipe right with me too look at that whereas 20 30 years ago people didn't have

[00:39:26] that those options so I uh I'm of the strong believer that dating is the same as it is now

[00:39:31] then it was 23 years the only difference is the options if someone is the type of person that

[00:39:37] they meet someone and they love them and they want to see it through then they'll see it

[00:39:41] through and sometimes you do your best and you can't I uh I've decided to stay single until

[00:39:47] I meet someone that's gonna you know I don't want to go to war with me but no relationship is easy

[00:39:51] like I told you I've seen my mom and dad go to war but they went to war together and it wasn't

[00:39:56] mom versus dad it was mom and dad versus the problem that's what you're looking at

[00:40:01] yeah and you know again I was in a previous uh I was in a relationship earlier this year and

[00:40:05] you know he thought this was my person I you know it was a short relationship but

[00:40:09] I was like this is it this is my this is my person I might marry this fucking person

[00:40:13] and it didn't we went to war and it quickly became you know me versus her and I was like hey I'm not

[00:40:18] this isn't me versus you I'm I'm on your side let's make this work and sometimes you can't

[00:40:24] sometimes you know people don't have the same willingness to fight that you do

[00:40:28] and again just showed me that it wasn't my person I'm not talking about what I'm saying that

[00:40:33] she's a bad person because she didn't want to go to war she's no she wanted different things than

[00:40:37] and that's tough to look it's tough to look inside like fuck you know I've got I check off the boxes

[00:40:44] and I still wasn't enough so it's tough like that hits you like a fucking ton of bricks sometimes

[00:40:48] like shit what talking about goals like hey there was one of the goals when we started dating

[00:40:52] okay like I want to I want to see this through and then two months later you're broken up

[00:40:58] you're not even talking blocked and everything it's like shit all right let's look back on this

[00:41:01] relationship what could I have done differently what could I have done better and sometimes

[00:41:05] there's nothing you can do sometimes you're just not going to be enough for that person

[00:41:09] there's nothing wrong with that because to somebody else you will be the perfect amount of

[00:41:14] enoughness that's even worse it is now it is now but it's also why I believe that

[00:41:19] whenever we like in the past anytime a relationship has gone wrong I've always wanted

[00:41:24] some form of closure and it wasn't until I got older that I realized even if I got it

[00:41:29] it wouldn't have made doesn't make a difference a difference at all we all want closure but

[00:41:33] does closure really mean anything no no because ultimately your ability to move forward and move

[00:41:39] on is going to come from within you it's not going to come from anything that person says

[00:41:43] they could humor you they can put on a show and make you really believe everything and you'll still

[00:41:50] feel like shit on the inside it won't take away the fact that that person that you wanted there

[00:41:55] is no longer there it'll maybe make you feel better for a day if that's it it might give

[00:42:01] temporary reliefness but that's not what you're looking for long term that's not going to help

[00:42:05] you heal it's not going to help you move on and be a better person it's not and you know like even

[00:42:10] me I had to look deep inside after my previous really because the first person I dated in four

[00:42:15] in four years was the first time I gave my heart to someone that you trusted them to protect it

[00:42:19] and they didn't and it fucking sucks and I remember seeing that I think like why do why

[00:42:25] do I even bother I can just keep being single just keep you know strutting along doing my same

[00:42:31] old bullshit and I can just keep being me but then you're like you know what this is the person

[00:42:36] and I made a mistake I I I can openly admit it wasn't the right person I I thought it was it was

[00:42:42] in and it's tough because it weighed on me a lot like what could I have done differently

[00:42:47] why didn't this work and I evaluated this relationship just like I would any other goal

[00:42:51] that I didn't achieve and the first thing you do is you look at yourself you look in the mirror say

[00:42:55] fuck like if I had done this differently with this relationship of work you know if I had

[00:43:00] tried harder here if I didn't say this if I maybe I was more clear about this and that would it

[00:43:06] have worked and ultimately no it wouldn't have because no matter what I would have done differently

[00:43:11] I wouldn't have been enough for her and you know when you finally come to that realization

[00:43:15] you know you're journaling all your thoughts and you're like fuck no matter what I did I

[00:43:20] wasn't enough that's a tough pill to swallow I was gonna say does that make you feel less than

[00:43:25] in the in the short term it does you know but I do believe that everything happens for a reason

[00:43:29] and you know being pushed to that point of not being enough made me work on myself harder

[00:43:34] put made me put my head down work on my career work on my health physical and mental

[00:43:39] made me work on new projects made me you know quit trying to chase these highs and stay home

[00:43:44] and stay put and focus on me because not being enough is tough it is falling I'm one of the most

[00:43:51] confident people you'll ever meet too so to not be enough for someone holy fuck like that popped

[00:43:57] my balloon big time but it brought me brought me back down to reality brought me back to my roots

[00:44:02] it brought me back to the things that really mattered to me and who I am at my core my

[00:44:06] pillars you know stick to those pillars and make sure all those pillars are good

[00:44:10] and that's what I did you know we've been broken up for many months now and

[00:44:14] I'm not saying I'm the best version of myself but I've done things in the last

[00:44:17] since this break of that I would have never thought imaginable I wrote a fucking book

[00:44:21] I'm borderline illiterate literally and I wrote a fucking book I'm like I'm not good with words

[00:44:27] and I wrote a poetry book about love so what the fuck you know I've lost 10 pounds I was

[00:44:32] never big but I got in the best shape of my life accidentally because the gym is one thing

[00:44:37] that's always been a steady thing for me my entire life got back in the gym two times a day

[00:44:42] I was eating healthy because I was like you know what I'm putting all this bullshit processed

[00:44:45] food in my body let me get on a diet let me start intermittent fasting let me start focusing on

[00:44:49] what I'm putting in my body now walking with my mom and dad that's a big thing about the

[00:44:54] step child too it's like I get to walk with my mom and like I said earlier my mom's my

[00:44:58] fucking rock I love this lady to death I died would you know she kills someone I'm saying

[00:45:03] where are we burying the body I wouldn't even think twice this is my person and I get to

[00:45:08] spend so much more time with her my career I put my head down I got back to work and I

[00:45:11] started focusing on that because sometimes in your relationship let me leave work early

[00:45:15] to do this let me go here do this like let me hey no let's let's get back to work

[00:45:19] let's start focusing again let's focus on the projects whether it's the pickleball

[00:45:23] team the podcast my day job the one of the other million other things I'm trying to

[00:45:28] hey let's let's focus in on this let's stop planning travels let's stop running away from

[00:45:32] our problems let's sit here let's face them let's get better because maybe I wasn't enough

[00:45:37] and then at the end of the day once you kind of reach that point where I'm not saying you're

[00:45:42] over them and you realize oh I'm better than them no it's not that but once you reach that

[00:45:45] point you're like fuck it it wasn't me but at least I got to that point where it wasn't

[00:45:49] me and I'm like yeah at least I'm the best version myself now so the next person I meet

[00:45:53] isn't going to meet this half-assed version of me they're going to meet the best possible

[00:45:57] version of myself because I don't want to introduce anybody to a lesser version of myself how do you

[00:46:02] maintain that version of you in any new relationships because we let that version go

[00:46:07] and then when we leave a relationship we have this trip on our shoulders and we go fuck I'm

[00:46:12] going to make this new version the best version of me and it's just a rinse and repeat yeah

[00:46:16] but how do you maintain yourself throughout I think the biggest thing is finding a partner

[00:46:23] that aligns with the best version of yourself you know I I've always said this I can't date someone

[00:46:28] who doesn't work out because I love physical fitness I love running half marathons I love

[00:46:33] going for walks I love going to the gym I love doing these random workout classes

[00:46:37] well if I dated someone who didn't love those things then I would stop loving them as much

[00:46:43] I love to travel traveling fills my cup it makes me whole if I dated someone who

[00:46:47] didn't love to travel then I might stop traveling so to maintain this to maintain this high version

[00:46:52] of yourself that I hold so like to me personally I hold this this new version of me that I am now

[00:46:57] like I'm I'm holding on to this because I I'm really I feel that I'm not one of the best

[00:47:01] stages in my life ever the next person I meet will have to be at the same level because if

[00:47:07] I'm you know let's say I'm 99 out of 100 right now well if I date someone who's 80 they're

[00:47:13] 80 out of their 100 or maybe they're an 80 out of 100 to me well now we're at 99 plus 80 was that 179

[00:47:19] well now divided by two we're only half the person we're you know we're not 99 percent each but if I

[00:47:24] meet a person who's like me who's got the same goals who's got the same drive the same interests

[00:47:28] hobbies well yeah maybe they're a 99 100 together we're almost we're almost whole together

[00:47:34] I think that's a big thing uh but what the fuck do I know I'm single here so

[00:47:39] maybe you can provide some insight on that one um honestly it's it's I guess a mixture of what you said

[00:47:46] but also understanding that you are who you are and you maintain that form of self that you never

[00:47:54] never shift for anyone else yeah right like your foundation is who you are

[00:47:59] and when someone enters your life whether it's your partner your friend your family member

[00:48:04] they will they will color your person but your foundation stays the same who you are yeah so instead

[00:48:13] of I used to be this kid where you know if my girlfriend at the time wanted me to be funny

[00:48:20] I would do whatever it took to make her laugh if you wanted me to be serious I'd do whatever it

[00:48:24] took to just stay serious the whole time I molded myself to fit that person after I split up with

[00:48:31] my ex I realized I'm like I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore I have no identity I don't

[00:48:38] know what I like I don't know what I don't like because everything was tied to who that person was

[00:48:42] I was so-and-so's husband I was so-and-so's son-in-law I was so-and-so's brother-in-law

[00:48:46] that's it that was my identity in a box that relationship ends and I'm sitting there during

[00:48:52] the pandemic going I don't know who the fuck I am anymore I don't know where I'm going I

[00:48:56] don't know what I'm doing and so building that version of me up got me to a point where now I

[00:49:02] very much believe that that version will stay throughout any relationships I have because I

[00:49:09] can't afford and risk to lose myself like that again well there's uh I read this quote actually

[00:49:15] funny enough I made a tick talk about it and the quote said most people think the hardest part

[00:49:20] is losing is losing the person you love but in reality the hardest thing is losing yourself

[00:49:24] and loving someone else so much that you forget that you matter too and like it gives me goosebumps

[00:49:30] even just saying this and I still like I barely rarely remember the quotes I read I remember

[00:49:34] that one because it's true sometimes you could love someone so much and just want to be enough

[00:49:39] for them that you forget that you matter too and I've always like strongly believe that you

[00:49:46] always need to put yourself first because there's a reason when you're on the plane they tell

[00:49:50] you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others there's a reason because you

[00:49:55] can't help others if you're not full if you're not whole there's nothing you can do and I strongly

[00:50:00] believe when you are the best version of yourself everyone around you will benefit

[00:50:06] because like I'll speak personally I don't have many talents I'm a very talentless person

[00:50:12] one talent I have is I can make people feel good about themselves I can sit down

[00:50:15] with someone and make them feel good make them feel whole make them smile bring

[00:50:19] bring a light to their life that's one talent I have when I'm not me I'm nobody nobody's shining

[00:50:25] around me for sure because I don't have any light to give I don't have any glow I don't have any

[00:50:30] vibes for lack of a better word but when I'm me and I'm this whole person that I normally am

[00:50:35] and when I'm at my best people just want to they we can sit beside each other and just crush

[00:50:41] goals together because I'm at my best version and I think that's the same for everybody else

[00:50:45] if you're not the best version of yourself you can't help others you know you can't be in a

[00:50:50] relationship if you don't love yourself that's one of the biggest things I've learned I've met

[00:50:55] women that you know I thought I was gonna love but they didn't even love themselves they didn't

[00:50:59] they they were missing a part of themselves and then trying to find it in somebody else

[00:51:03] you can't do that I think that's the biggest thing there is it's trying to a lot of people

[00:51:08] are trying to find themselves in someone else yeah and it doesn't work because ultimately

[00:51:12] you're just gonna try to fit yourself into that and go oh there I am well think about how many people

[00:51:18] try and change who they are or don't show their full true selves because they're scared that the

[00:51:23] other person might not like them but what happens in a year from now what you're gonna keep wearing

[00:51:26] this mask you're gonna keep wearing this like keep this facade up eventually you're gonna you're

[00:51:31] not going to be able to and then what and then what happens I always tell people like look if

[00:51:35] you're a little bit crazy be a little bit crazy if you're a lover be a lover if you're

[00:51:38] if you're a fighter be a fighter but be who you are because there's someone out there for everyone

[00:51:42] I know I can be a lot oh my like whoever dates me like they're like I tick talk I'm fucking 34 years

[00:51:48] old and I tick talk so I'm a lot I get it I'm I travel a mile a hundred miles a minute I'm

[00:51:55] doing a million different things every fucking day I won't deny that I won't hide that because

[00:52:01] the person I'm gonna be with I don't want them to think that I'm this other type of person

[00:52:05] no this is who I am if you don't like it no big deal like I have many women that have curved me

[00:52:11] or many women that didn't want to go on dates with me that didn't like me didn't want to get to know

[00:52:14] me because like hey this is what I don't like about you and I respect it hey cool I'm not going to

[00:52:18] change and I'm glad you tell me this up front so we don't waste each other's time tell me hey

[00:52:22] you know what Ricky can't stand that you tick talk I hate it no problem cool no big deal

[00:52:27] what's more separate hey Rick I hate that you're always doing this this and this I can't

[00:52:32] I don't like that hey no problem appreciate the honesty I got no problem with that because that's who

[00:52:36] I am I'm not going to change to fit someone else's mold if I'm a round peg I'm not trying to fit in

[00:52:42] a square hole if I'm a square peg I'm not trying to fit in a round hole I am me I'm this whatever

[00:52:47] shape I am and I'm gonna find the exact hole that I'm gonna fit in perfect for a lack of a

[00:52:53] better expression but you got what I'm saying right I get what you're saying yeah um so Ricky

[00:52:58] what do you got coming up what are you working on all these goals all these different projects that

[00:53:02] you're on so this week yeah the book is I never thought in a million years I was gonna write a book

[00:53:10] it's I again like I said I'm borderline illiterate I'm I'm just not good with words and after my

[00:53:16] recent breakup I journal a lot it's mostly chicken scratch and I'm going through all my my

[00:53:22] journal entries and I've got so many random thoughts because it's not I do a gratitude

[00:53:25] to journal you know five minute journal a lot of people do but then I just have a book of notes

[00:53:28] and it just says random shit depending on how I'm feeling and I said I've been doing this for years so

[00:53:34] sometimes they're you know like why can't I find somebody like what is literally what is wrong with

[00:53:38] me like I've been single for four years why can't I find somebody or hey I can't wait to

[00:53:42] find someone hey you know what I'm going on a date today maybe this is gonna be my person

[00:53:46] I've had that phase in my life where I wanted to find somebody and I wrote on all these thoughts

[00:53:50] and I met somebody recently this year and I you know fell head over heels madly in love instantly

[00:53:55] love it for sight and I've got all these thoughts and these words about fuck I can't believe I'm

[00:54:01] at this person I can't believe this happened well then you get dumped and then I'm at this point

[00:54:05] where fuck like why me like what the fuck did I do why why am I not enough why wasn't I good

[00:54:11] enough why didn't this work and then you come to the stage where you start to learn to

[00:54:16] rebuild and love yourself again so the book I wrote is it's a collection of poems I've turned all these

[00:54:21] random thoughts and these words into a little bit of poetry it's not you know poems like you would see

[00:54:28] you know roses are red vile it's a blue but they're just my thoughts transformed into poems

[00:54:32] and it's about the four stages of what I believe is love the wanting to find love the finding

[00:54:37] love the losing love and the self-love and it's called heartbreak love guided poetry journal

[00:54:43] so it's the idea behind is that I share with you my feelings and my thoughts through all these

[00:54:48] stages of love and I want you to give me yours I want you to write down your thoughts and your

[00:54:53] feelings and write down what's going on through your mind just as I did over the course of the

[00:54:57] last year and not many people have read it yet it comes out October 22nd uh Priestel starts

[00:55:04] to September 6th and so not many people have read it other than my family and uh and my publisher

[00:55:09] but it's something that was not on the bingo card this year it was not on the goals at

[00:55:13] the beginning of the year um but it's one thing that I'm beyond proud of myself for and when it

[00:55:19] does come out I will definitely be celebrating this because this is a win that I didn't know I

[00:55:24] could do and it's a win that I I don't know how much it really meant to me until I started

[00:55:29] doing it but this was my therapy during this breakup you know writing down all these these

[00:55:34] thoughts and transforming them because I walked myself back through all the stages of love while

[00:55:39] I was heartbroken I was writing down you know so many bad things just like why am I not gonna I'm

[00:55:44] beating myself up I'm thinking if I'm doing this there are millions of other people that are

[00:55:48] doing the exact same thing so let me let me give them a piece of me and a nice that's

[00:55:55] not really bad but let me give them a piece of me in a good way oh hey I'm going through

[00:55:58] this too I'm suffering I'm beating myself up let's let's have this side of me that you

[00:56:03] guys didn't see and then give me something from you you know you're going through heartbreak

[00:56:07] or maybe you found love when people find love they don't you don't reflect on it as much because

[00:56:11] you have it you people reflect when they're missing something they need something well hey

[00:56:16] you know what you have this let's cherish this moment together let's write down what

[00:56:20] makes you so happy about this relationship read read my poem about love and how happy I am

[00:56:25] that I met someone and tell me how happy you are tell me what makes you know what

[00:56:29] brings color to your day with your partner or maybe you're trying to find love and you're

[00:56:33] in the stage that many of us are where it's like fuck like is there someone out there for me

[00:56:38] well yeah there is have hope have faith have you never know every first date might be your

[00:56:41] last first date sometimes we forget that and then there's the obviously the last stage

[00:56:45] about self love that is possibly the hardest but the most important where hey you don't need

[00:56:50] anybody else to feel validated you have yourself and if you learn to love yourself

[00:56:55] you can be happy and the relationship you have with yourself is hands down the most

[00:57:00] important one and I strongly believe that I agree with that 100% so I had to learn self love

[00:57:04] in that process in that journey of mine it was the self love piece that I had to learn to

[00:57:08] I was like wow this is I guess this is what I've been missing this whole time

[00:57:13] and it's tough yeah it's tough to look in the mirror and like not love yourself like it's

[00:57:17] I've been there and holy crap yeah I looked in the mirrors like oh you know she left me

[00:57:22] because I wasn't handsome enough for her she's like fuck like I'm I'm I know what I am I know

[00:57:27] what I look like I'm very happy with it you look in the mirror those days you're saying

[00:57:31] fuck that's why she left me I'm that's why you know it didn't work out because the way I look

[00:57:36] maybe if I dress better maybe if I trim my beard or cut my hair did this difference like whoa

[00:57:40] whoa let's let's backpedal a bit it's not because of the way you look okay well learn to love

[00:57:45] yourself again learn to work on yourself yeah we're not all perfect there's all areas of

[00:57:50] everybody's lives that we can work on including myself yeah okay let's let's get a little bit

[00:57:54] better each day but let's learn to love ourselves and our imperfections because nobody is perfect

[00:57:58] and we know that Ricky thank you so much I appreciate this man this is fun I gotta get

[00:58:03] you on my podcast too let's do it we got 100% yeah great it's a it's nice to be on the other

[00:58:07] side of it usually I'm the one controlling the conversation but it's nice to have uh

[00:58:11] it's how are you doing this no no listen I appreciate you sharing your time with me

[00:58:14] thank you for coming through and just having this conversation I think we need more guys talking

[00:58:18] about these topics especially in the dating space because I think there's a rise in

[00:58:24] we'll call the male influencers who are shutting down this notion of being okay with yourself

[00:58:30] self love expressing yourself as opposed to going back to an older generation model of

[00:58:36] don't express yourself don't show emotions bury it man up shut up all those things that will

[00:58:40] lead to depression lead to addiction lead to suicide so I'm glad to see that what you're

[00:58:46] doing has purpose and meaning even through the social channels you like when you say like

[00:58:51] yeah you're a 34 34 year old man making tiktoks yeah but you're talking about topics that are

[00:58:56] relevant that I think more men need to also understand and listen to so thank you sir

[00:59:00] for for doing those and thank you so much for your time brother I appreciate you I

[00:59:04] appreciate you man thank you so much everybody