The Secret To Building Confidence & Mental Resilience: Raia Carey | Ep.118 - Gent's Talk

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Stress isn't necessarily bad for you. It's how you think it impacts you.

[00:00:05] [SPEAKER_02]: Raia Carey is a motivational speaker, life coach and consultant

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: who helps people tap into their potential through building confidence, authenticity and mental resilience.

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: They had a case study where one group saw the stressor as a positive

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and the other group saw the stressor as a negative.

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: The group that saw it as a negative had physical impacts.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Their arteries were clogged, their blood pressure was high.

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00]: The people who deemed stress a positive in some way had none of those symptoms.

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Does the negative self-talk, the imposter syndrome, does that lead to a lack of confidence

[00:00:41] [SPEAKER_01]: or does a lack of confidence lead to imposter syndrome?

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone could be confident and be heavily experiencing imposter syndrome.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_00]: So if your negative self-talk is saying your failure, your never will do this,

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_00]: you can **** and then all of a sudden it starts to subside.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_01]: If someone comes to you and says, Raia, I'm struggling with confidence,

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_01]: what's the first thing they should do?

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So...

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Raia, welcome to Gents Talk.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for having me.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm really excited to have this conversation

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_01]: and I can't believe it's taken us this long to even come across one another.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I've seen your work at a distance, but to finally just like,

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_01]: hey, I'm Samira, you're Raia, nice to meet you.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_01]: The timing was right.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And then we really made it happen quickly.

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Very quickly.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll just meet you. See you next week.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, exactly.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_01]: See you next week and then next week, next week we're going to be working together again.

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Literally, yeah.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_01]: You're a keynote speaker, you're a motivational speaker,

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_01]: you talk about so many topics that resonate with me,

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_01]: resonate with the audience and I'm excited to dive into them

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_01]: because one of the things that I think,

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_01]: when you and I connected sort of for our pre-episode taping,

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_01]: we talked about resilience, mentally, confidence, imposter syndrome.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_01]: We did it yet.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_01]: And that one's a personal, personal favorite of mine

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_01]: because that's the one that I struggle with the most.

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I say this all the time on the episodes,

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_01]: half the time I don't think anyone is ever watching.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_01]: And I get a random message saying, hey, I saw the episode, I loved it.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm just like, oh, somebody watch, this is great.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_01]: One person.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_01]: But that's part of the, I guess, the journey that I think so many people struggle with.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_01]: I've had award-winning artists, millionaire entrepreneurs, billionaire entrepreneurs,

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_01]: experts, everyone talk about how to some degree they've struggled with that.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: For sure.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm turning to you, Coach Carey.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Help me understand how it works.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Help me understand, you know, how to identify when it's happening,

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01]: maybe what triggers it and how to resolve it.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Because I think imposter syndrome affects confidence.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_01]: For sure.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_01]: And then ultimately affects your ability to be resilient.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_01]: So why don't we start there?

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, whoo-hoo, coming in hot.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, with my background in psychology and just with the work that I do that you mentioned,

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: imposter syndrome was a topic that was coming up a lot.

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: So I wanted to do a deep dive for myself so I could better understand it

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and then teach people how to move through it.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So first and foremost, the name is so, you know, negative.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: So naturally people attach something bigger than what it is to it.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Imposter syndrome.

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not a syndrome.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: It's literally our negative self-talk taking up a little bit more real estate in our mind

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and our mental space than it probably needs to.

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: You know how every person kind of has that, you know, good side talking to them

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: or that negative side?

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: That's essentially in its essence what imposter syndrome is.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: It's that self-doubt, it's that negative self-talk.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, I don't think there's a way that each person can fully be rid of it forever.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I think that is a natural part of life.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Like do I deserve this?

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Am I meant for this?

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: These questions will come up, but I think we can get rooted in that understanding ourselves

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and valuing ourselves and having that love and respect that we are so much more

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_00]: anchored that when it does show up, we're not impacted so negatively.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's really important that people recognize that it really comes down to language.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you had a big deliverable do the next day and you say,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: wow, I'm such an idiot.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't believe I didn't do that.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: They're not going to pick me anyways.

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to fail.

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Naturally, that's the aura and the energy and the vibration that you're putting out.

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: And now you've put yourself in this box.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: But if you shift it to, I'm trying my best.

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I've done other things in the past that have helped me get to a place that I'm here.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So that stands to reason that I could probably get to this next place.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And then what's important is that our negative self talk is never prepared for rebuttals.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: So our subconscious is more of an output function, right?

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So it can say things, but it can't really rebuttal.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: So if your negative self talk is saying your failure, your nevel do this,

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: you can give it examples of how you have and then all of a sudden it starts to subside.

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_00]: And I think for me, that is the biggest thing I want to teach people about imposter syndrome

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: is really reprogramming the language that you're using.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you're talking to yourself or about yourself.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_01]: So it's so it's about, I guess one thing that you could potentially do in that scenario

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_01]: is maybe just keep a list of some of your.

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Totally.

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I like to call it where the receipts?

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Show me the receipts, right?

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I can never do this.

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, really?

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: You've done it 10 other times in your life.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Just remind yourself of that.

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: That's not going to completely get rid of it, but it'll stop the negative self

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: talk from showing up as much because now you've given it an example and it's not

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: prepared to combat that.

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_01]: What's the biggest misunderstanding around imposter syndrome?

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: It's not a syndrome.

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_01]: What do you call it?

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't figured out an exact good name that resonates for me, but maybe I would

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: call it imposter thinking.

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: So what's the biggest misconception around imposter thinking?

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I would say the biggest misconception is that it's something that people can't get

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: out of and it's something that has to stay permanently and something that people

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: can't move through.

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_00]: So let's say someone wants to apply to be a CEO or whatever it might be something

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: really big.

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I think people think that imposter syndrome is the reason they can actually

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_00]: achieve it.

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_00]: When it's a contributor, but it's not the reason unless it absolutely

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: stops you from taking any actionable steps forward.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_00]: But you can still get back and still take actionable steps.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: It's never a fully shut down or complete hindering forever, but it's going to

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: poke you and prod you and really see how bad do you want this?

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Is there what steps do you struggle with it to I presume?

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Of course.

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, everybody does.

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_01]: What do you do when that's happening?

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_01]: So you the coach, the motivational speaker, the keynote speaker who talks

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_01]: about pressure.

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: When that happens to you, what do you do?

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So the steps that I've created for people are really because I did it

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: for myself.

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't speak to people about something I haven't done or put myself

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: through that to me wouldn't be integral as a coach.

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't ask my clients to go somewhere I've never been.

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_00]: So I really number one keep my receipts.

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: So if I constantly go back to that and like something you have written down.

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I have a note in my phone.

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Then I'm really big on language, even just with everything I do on my work

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_00]: like as a coach, I'm listening to what people are saying, but I'm

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: hearing what they're not saying.

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So for me, the language is the biggest one and not just in those

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_00]: moments, but it's really just like yoga is a practice because you do

[00:08:24] [SPEAKER_00]: it consistently.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00]: So is your language.

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So no matter the day, no matter what I'm going through, I always come back

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_00]: to how am I talking to myself and a great way to kind of instill

[00:08:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that in each person more on the subconscious level is affirmations.

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_00]: So the reason affirmations work so well and yes, social media

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_00]: has kind of made it seem like it's just affirmations and I'm

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: gonna feel great.

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: It's more of a science backed because the more you say it, the more

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_00]: you feel it, the more you believe it.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: So every single day a person said to themselves, I'm strong.

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I love myself.

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm important.

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm valued whatever resonates for them over time their subconscious

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_00]: is going to be like, okay, let's keep this and then on those tough

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: moments, your subconscious is supporting you subconsciously so

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_00]: that your conscious mind doesn't have to do as much work.

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So that's the goal that I hope and wish for everyone that they

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_00]: get to a place where it's a little bit more embedded in their

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_00]: subconscious so that moving through their day to day that

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: language doesn't take them down as much.

[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_00]: It might still be there, but it won't take them to a zero.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_01]: So the language is the key part of the whole huge problem

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_01]: huge because I know that when I struggle with it, I've

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_01]: tried to do the receipts thing and sometimes it works.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'll take a step back and go, okay.

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_01]: If you truly think Samir for a moment that no one's actually

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_01]: watching the podcast that you just dropped because let's

[00:09:51] [SPEAKER_01]: say, I don't know some clip you posted online didn't do very

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_01]: well that day.

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_01]: And suddenly that's the reason why you think nobody watches

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_01]: the entirety of the podcast.

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_01]: But here you are.

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_01]: You've done talks.

[00:10:04] [SPEAKER_01]: You've spoken to incredible people.

[00:10:06] [SPEAKER_01]: You've traveled for it.

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_01]: You've done a B and C.

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Those are the receipts.

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_03]: For sure.

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_01]: But then there are times still where I look at that and I go,

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_01]: that's great, but that's in the past.

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_01]: What am I doing now?

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_01]: What's next?

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_01]: And thief is the or thief is the comparison is a thief of

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_00]: joy.

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I got you.

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_01]: And then I start looking at other podcasts that are similar

[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_01]: to this one or ones that I aspire to become like.

[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Right.

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_01]: And I go.

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_01]: There's a reason why I don't have those numbers or

[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_01]: whatever the case may be.

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_01]: And so I don't know what to do in those moments.

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Great.

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's work on that right now.

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're if you're open to it.

[00:10:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, please.

[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Because just this week I've struggled with that.

[00:10:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[00:10:48] [SPEAKER_00]: But for sure, how could you not?

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_00]: But let's look at it as you care about this work and

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_00]: you also care about being successful to great things.

[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_00]: But it just feels like they're a little bit out of balance.

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_00]: So there's a number one.

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_00]: You said, well, no one's watching this podcast.

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_00]: But that's not true.

[00:11:05] [SPEAKER_00]: But let's shift what you attach your value of success

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_00]: to people watching this.

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_03]: Okay.

[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_00]: For a lot of people when it comes to imposter syndrome

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and also comes down to their value, like where do they get

[00:11:17] [SPEAKER_00]: their own personal value?

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Which is tricky because a lot of people don't know

[00:11:21] [SPEAKER_00]: what their values are where they get it from.

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_00]: So what if we shifted that to I'm passionate about my

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_00]: work and these conversations I know well could help

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_00]: even one person.

[00:11:31] [SPEAKER_00]: And if it helps even one person, then I know I'm

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_00]: continuing on my path.

[00:11:36] [SPEAKER_00]: That one's going to empower you to not care about the

[00:11:39] [SPEAKER_00]: numbers and care about your craft more.

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_00]: And inevitably the numbers and the impact will continue

[00:11:44] [SPEAKER_00]: to grow.

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_00]: But that allows you to serve from here because

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_00]: in the day you're serving, you're providing impact for

[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_00]: humans to learn from.

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_00]: So the number doesn't matter like if we think about it

[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_00]: when social media first came out one like was cool

[00:12:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and then it got completely misconstrued.

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So that's even what I had to do for myself if I said

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_00]: if they can help one person, then I'm doing my

[00:12:08] [SPEAKER_00]: life's work.

[00:12:08] [SPEAKER_01]: It's fascinating you talk about that because I when I

[00:12:11] [SPEAKER_01]: was preparing for a TED Talk, I was reading a book

[00:12:15] [SPEAKER_01]: called Talk Like Ted and in it there was references

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_01]: to videos that you know surpassed a million views

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and how that was like exponentially incredible

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_01]: and every single way.

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_01]: And today you'll see a video of a cat doing nothing

[00:12:31] [SPEAKER_01]: just sitting there and that'll get like 10 million

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_01]: views and you go like what has happened here.

[00:12:39] [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes that pisses me off.

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_01]: You're like the cat really?

[00:12:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly.

[00:12:45] [SPEAKER_01]: No value, but it made people laugh.

[00:12:47] [SPEAKER_01]: It made people laugh right exactly.

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_01]: But I look at that and I go okay.

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm trying to look at this to your point from

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_01]: the lens of why do I even do this right and it's to

[00:13:03] [SPEAKER_01]: help people.

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_01]: It's because I came from a position of you know being

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_01]: in a dark hole trying to overcome that learning

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_01]: through the pain and then going there's got to be

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_01]: others out there that feel some some of this in

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_01]: some way and if I can lend my voice or at least

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_01]: create a platform that lends itself to the narrative

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_01]: to the conversation maybe that helps and to your

[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_01]: point when I get that one message from someone

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_01]: my whole day is made my whole week is made.

[00:13:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Those are your receipts.

[00:13:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.

[00:13:29] [SPEAKER_01]: I screenshot them and I put them together and I was

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_01]: thinking the other day too you know I posted a video

[00:13:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and it barely got 200 views and I was just like it was

[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_01]: and then of course what do I do?

[00:13:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I start doom scrolling and I see other videos doing

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_01]: extremely well and I see people I know you know post

[00:13:48] [SPEAKER_01]: a video and it does well and a part of me just gets

[00:13:51] [SPEAKER_01]: a little upset by that not a little I get upset by

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_01]: it and then I stopped myself and I thought

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been in a room where I've presented to 200 people

[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_01]: that's real impact.

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_01]: That's worth more in that moment if I could capture

[00:14:06] [SPEAKER_01]: that feeling worth more to me than a million view

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_01]: for sure video for sure and I'm trying to like

[00:14:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I guess how do I bottle that and keep going.

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_00]: That's a tough one.

[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Can you exactly bottle it probably not but maybe

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_00]: you can shift the comparison to aspire.

[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a very very tiny difference but one will empower

[00:14:34] [SPEAKER_00]: you and omit positive frequency and energy in your

[00:14:37] [SPEAKER_00]: body if I'm going to geek out a little bit on science

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_00]: and my psychology background you know there's

[00:14:41] [SPEAKER_00]: anabolic energy and there's catabolic energy

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and a bulk energy creates catabolic energy destroys

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_00]: like on atoms and cell.

[00:14:50] [SPEAKER_00]: So the negative language we say is like really

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_00]: literally releasing catabolic energy.

[00:14:57] [SPEAKER_00]: You're you're you have energy right you every person

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_00]: does but then the positive and I don't mean like

[00:15:04] [SPEAKER_00]: rainbows and butterflies but I mean empowering that

[00:15:07] [SPEAKER_00]: naturally releases anabolic energy.

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_00]: So that's why I think if you shift from comparison

[00:15:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to aspire yeah there's going to be tons of podcasts

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_00]: that you look up to rather than being like

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_00]: why aren't I like that it's maybe I can ask

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_00]: questions and see exactly how they did it

[00:15:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and then work towards that.

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_01]: So it's reframing the way you look at a problem precisely

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and you can pretty much apply that to everything.

[00:15:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Those are my three tips is language receipts

[00:15:32] [SPEAKER_00]: refrain but it's a practice.

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Right like I may not experience imposter syndrome

[00:15:40] [SPEAKER_00]: every day anymore but it still happens here and there

[00:15:42] [SPEAKER_00]: but I do this work every single day every single

[00:15:45] [SPEAKER_00]: day it takes work for me to show about my best

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_00]: but I have a really strong default of the strong

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_00]: foundation so a tough moment isn't going to bring me

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to a zero a tough moment almost like a video game.

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_00]: You know when you're playing a video game and then

[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_00]: you lose you don't go all the way back to the beginning.

[00:16:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you'll go back from to like level three or four

[00:16:04] [SPEAKER_00]: or five which is much easier to get to level 10 from

[00:16:07] [SPEAKER_00]: four versus one same with your energy.

[00:16:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Is there does imposter does the negative self talk

[00:16:16] [SPEAKER_01]: imposter syndrome does that lead to a lack of

[00:16:20] [SPEAKER_01]: confidence or does a lack of confidence lead to imposter

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_01]: syndrome which way does it go.

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I think they're interchangeable depending on the person

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_00]: so if a person is relatively confident but then

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_00]: they're experiencing a lot of imposter syndrome in their

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_00]: external environments and they don't have those tools

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_00]: in place.

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah that'll take their confidence to a zero

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_00]: but if they're experiencing imposter syndrome and already

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_00]: aren't confident it's going to take them way lower than a zero.

[00:16:56] [SPEAKER_00]: So I think that it happens no matter what but the important

[00:16:59] [SPEAKER_00]: thing about confidence is that knowing within yourself

[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_00]: you know and I think every I've always said that everyone

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_00]: has access to it because how you feel about yourself how

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_00]: you talk about yourself transcends and it really

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_00]: impacts how you show up in the world so I don't I don't

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00]: think there's like chicken or the egg.

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay for for confidence in imposter syndrome because they

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_00]: are you know it's a delicate dance because someone could be

[00:17:25] [SPEAKER_00]: confident and be heavily experiencing imposter syndrome

[00:17:29] [SPEAKER_00]: but then I imagine a lot of people would see that person

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_00]: as their demeanor coming off as cocky because if you're

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_00]: inauthentic people can feel it yes right so that's

[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_00]: someone who's feeling imposter syndrome but trying to mask

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_00]: it.

[00:17:42] [SPEAKER_01]: The compensator right.

[00:17:44] [SPEAKER_00]: So that's why I feel like that one's a tricky one

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_00]: they're very deeply connected.

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_01]: If someone comes to you and says Ray I'm struggling

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_01]: with confidence what's the first thing they should do.

[00:17:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not confident in my natural state.

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I consider myself average whatever help me.

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_01]: What does that look like.

[00:18:08] [SPEAKER_00]: My number one would be to ask a couple of questions

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_00]: you know let's bring it a little bit more to the

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_00]: surface what makes you feel like you're not confident

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_00]: has anyone ever told you that you don't seem like

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_00]: a confident person depending on what I get from those

[00:18:21] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll ask two more questions and this has been the two

[00:18:25] [SPEAKER_00]: questions I've asked for years because it always

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_00]: helps me bring things to the surface but also shows

[00:18:30] [SPEAKER_00]: them oh where's this coming from so I'll always

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_00]: ask tell me one thing you're proud of and tell

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_00]: me one thing you feel as though you can improve

[00:18:37] [SPEAKER_00]: upon major power in these two questions because

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_00]: when you're proud of something everyone can talk

[00:18:42] [SPEAKER_00]: about it they're beaming their could talk for

[00:18:46] [SPEAKER_00]: hours or if they have nothing to talk about that

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell me a lot too and then on the improve

[00:18:53] [SPEAKER_00]: upon that's where I can pull a lot of things that

[00:18:57] [SPEAKER_00]: they might feel like they need to work on but

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe it's just a shift I'll give you an example

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I was gonna work with a client a few years ago

[00:19:03] [SPEAKER_00]: same thing said I'm not confident you know

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00]: looking down his shoulders down we just meant

[00:19:09] [SPEAKER_00]: for coffee because I wanted to see if this was

[00:19:11] [SPEAKER_00]: a client I wanted to take on and it kept saying

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_00]: couple important things I'm the only person in my

[00:19:17] [SPEAKER_00]: company that doesn't have a post-secondary

[00:19:19] [SPEAKER_00]: education very upset this that I said okay I hear

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: you and then I just shifted it and I said

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_00]: why is it that it's a negative that you are

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_00]: the only person without post-secondary

[00:19:32] [SPEAKER_00]: education but you're at the same level and

[00:19:34] [SPEAKER_00]: same pay as everyone else who wasted

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_00]: thousands fifty thousand dollars or more on

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00]: post-secondary education tell me why that makes

[00:19:41] [SPEAKER_00]: you feel upset and he paused and he paused

[00:19:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and all of a sudden his shoulders got more prominent

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and his eye contact was better and he said

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe it's not a bad thing maybe I worked really

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_00]: hard to get here and I'm on the same level

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_00]: as everybody else and I said exactly

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_00]: he never became a client

[00:20:04] [SPEAKER_00]: he just needed that one shift

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_01]: to reframe the reframe right and then I would

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_00]: say there's a few other key things that help

[00:20:12] [SPEAKER_00]: build confidence I think a lot of people think

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_00]: it's external and external is great but temporary

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_00]: you're like oh all my friends make me feel

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_00]: confident that's external you can't harness

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_00]: that on your tough days sometimes it has to

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_00]: be able to be something you can bring from

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_01]: within so we put a lot of emphasis on external

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_00]: validation we do too much and then naturally

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_00]: when we're not getting in or a tough day or

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_00]: a bad day it's inaccessible but here and here

[00:20:40] [SPEAKER_00]: is always accessible so I like to say you know

[00:20:43] [SPEAKER_00]: always thinking about joy what are the things

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to help you feel joy because those are the

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_00]: things that are naturally going to refill

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_00]: your energy on a good day on a bad day

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_00]: for someone who doesn't know what joy is

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: for themselves okay that's okay you can figure

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_00]: that out that takes time but another easy one

[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_00]: is selflessness because I'm trying to go from

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_00]: catabolic to anabolic even if people don't

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_00]: know what that means right and let's say

[00:21:06] [SPEAKER_00]: you see someone walking down the stairs

[00:21:09] [SPEAKER_00]: with a stroller and you offer to help

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_00]: that naturally is going to omit a new

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_00]: frequency and happy hormones to your

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_00]: brain but you will never see that person

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_00]: again it doesn't matter because you did

[00:21:22] [SPEAKER_00]: something without expecting anything in

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_00]: return that is the magic of joy or

[00:21:28] [SPEAKER_00]: sorry selflessness because you're not

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_00]: expecting anything in return I think a

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_00]: lot of people think it's doing

[00:21:33] [SPEAKER_00]: something to expect something else in

[00:21:35] [SPEAKER_00]: return so there's lots of little things

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: that can contribute to someone's

[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_00]: confidence but it's a matter of I like to

[00:21:41] [SPEAKER_00]: call them tools and everybody has them

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's a matter of picking them up

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_00]: from wherever they are and putting them

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_00]: in a place that you can consistently

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_00]: come back to and that kind of becomes

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_00]: your self-care practice in a way that

[00:21:53] [SPEAKER_00]: might be reading that might be swimming

[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_00]: that might be constantly helping a

[00:21:56] [SPEAKER_00]: stranger boundaries people realize

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_00]: boundaries are a huge pillar yeah in

[00:22:02] [SPEAKER_00]: confidence and that was asking me why is

[00:22:04] [SPEAKER_00]: it boundaries so important and I like

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_00]: hey let me talk about that

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_00]: banners are important because I think we

[00:22:14] [SPEAKER_00]: all know you know they help you respect

[00:22:16] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself and teach others how to respect

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_00]: you great but here's where they get

[00:22:20] [SPEAKER_00]: tricky is because you know when we're

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_00]: implementing new boundaries the people

[00:22:24] [SPEAKER_00]: who are impacted by them respond

[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_00]: negatively so then naturally we're

[00:22:28] [SPEAKER_00]: kind of like who I don't want to

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_00]: maintain this boundary now but that is

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_00]: where you need to maintain that boundary

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and then the most beautiful thing is

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_00]: that when you honor the boundaries you

[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_00]: have implemented for yourself or at

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_00]: least try to what you build a self-

[00:22:43] [SPEAKER_00]: trust and naturally when you trust

[00:22:46] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself you trust your decisions you

[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_00]: more decisive and then you're building

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_00]: confidence so that's why boundaries are

[00:22:52] [SPEAKER_00]: so important and people don't realize

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_00]: this hopefully now everybody will yeah

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_01]: no yeah I was thinking as you were

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_01]: talking about boundaries is a relatively

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_01]: new thing for me maybe in the last year

[00:23:07] [SPEAKER_01]: have I started to learn how to set

[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_01]: boundaries for example the other day I

[00:23:11] [SPEAKER_01]: got a text message from someone so

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01]: there's a lot that I'm doing right now

[00:23:18] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah and so my schedule for the most

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: part is just all over the place

[00:23:22] [SPEAKER_01]: honestly it does seem and we talked

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_01]: before we started rolling about you

[00:23:26] [SPEAKER_01]: know sometimes you have to reschedule

[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_01]: meetings and stuff like that and

[00:23:29] [SPEAKER_01]: sometimes you're just not available and

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_01]: it's not for not wanting to or not

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_01]: caring to talk to someone it's just that

[00:23:35] [SPEAKER_01]: your schedule is literally just packed

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah and capacity yes and so your bandwidth

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_01]: is not there and if you were to even if

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_01]: you were able to pick up the phone and

[00:23:44] [SPEAKER_01]: speak to the person there's nothing left

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_01]: in you to actually give them right real

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_00]: connection like speak about what right

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I got nothing and so I often

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_01]: sometimes get these kinds of messages

[00:23:56] [SPEAKER_01]: of you know oh you're too busy now or

[00:24:00] [SPEAKER_01]: you're too big shot just and I know it's

[00:24:04] [SPEAKER_01]: that in a joking way and I don't think

[00:24:05] [SPEAKER_01]: that the individuals mean it in a

[00:24:07] [SPEAKER_01]: malicious way but to me it always bothered

[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_01]: me and only recently have I started

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_01]: literally just saying I don't appreciate

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_01]: that comment for sure and I find that

[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_01]: it's worked sure but it took me a

[00:24:23] [SPEAKER_01]: while to get there because I didn't

[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_01]: want to I don't enjoy confrontation

[00:24:28] [SPEAKER_01]: no one does and I just sometimes I'm

[00:24:33] [SPEAKER_01]: more quickly to just be like whatever

[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_01]: just say what you need to say get it out

[00:24:36] [SPEAKER_01]: of your system so you feel like you've

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_01]: said it but I'm okay well that internal

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_00]: self because you weren't trusting

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself you weren't putting yourself

[00:24:42] [SPEAKER_00]: first you really are putting others

[00:24:44] [SPEAKER_00]: first and I think that comments like

[00:24:46] [SPEAKER_00]: that are also from a place of ego for

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_00]: the other person there's a little

[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_00]: bit of that resentment or jealousy

[00:24:53] [SPEAKER_00]: even a little bit but I've also realized

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_00]: when you're on the path to get to where

[00:25:00] [SPEAKER_00]: you're going whether that's your career

[00:25:02] [SPEAKER_00]: etc. you're gonna disappoint people I had

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_00]: to really make peace with I disappoint

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_00]: someone every single day which pains

[00:25:10] [SPEAKER_00]: me tremendously but then it also I to

[00:25:13] [SPEAKER_00]: remind myself that I change lives

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_00]: every single day and the people who

[00:25:18] [SPEAKER_00]: recognize that know that if you need

[00:25:21] [SPEAKER_00]: me I will be there aside from that I

[00:25:25] [SPEAKER_00]: will see you when I can because I will

[00:25:27] [SPEAKER_00]: be present and I will be full of energy

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and that's what that's the best I can do

[00:25:32] [SPEAKER_00]: right now and some people understand

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_00]: that and some people don't and I think

[00:25:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that the people understand that will

[00:25:38] [SPEAKER_00]: continue on the journey with you it's

[00:25:42] [SPEAKER_00]: a hard one though it's so hard it really

[00:25:44] [SPEAKER_00]: makes me sad like when you said that

[00:25:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I took a big deep breath because same

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_00]: you're too busy or you didn't call me

[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_00]: back or it's like I didn't call you

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_00]: back because I had 35 missed calls and

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: a hundred texts per day and if I think

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00]: about what it what's my priority it's

[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_00]: gonna be work and my parents and if I

[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_00]: have the capacity out of those 35 one

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_00]: person can get called back and that means

[00:26:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm missing out on another 34 people

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_00]: that care about me it's really tough

[00:26:16] [SPEAKER_00]: it's really tough but I think

[00:26:19] [SPEAKER_00]: reminding people that I'm not going

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_00]: anywhere I'm all here but I'm really

[00:26:23] [SPEAKER_00]: locked in on this journey right now

[00:26:25] [SPEAKER_01]: how do you share that with people

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_01]: because you also run the risk of sharing

[00:26:31] [SPEAKER_01]: it in a way where it makes it sound like

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_01]: they're just not important enough

[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_00]: yeah and I which is not the case not

[00:26:38] [SPEAKER_00]: true yes not the case at all but when

[00:26:41] [SPEAKER_00]: you're on your journey you know

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes you have to disappear it's

[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_00]: not because we're disappearing is because

[00:26:46] [SPEAKER_00]: we're really putting all of our energy

[00:26:48] [SPEAKER_00]: into a few things that require our

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_00]: utmost attention so instead of teaching

[00:26:54] [SPEAKER_00]: people about that I took a different

[00:26:56] [SPEAKER_00]: approach to really just say okay like

[00:26:58] [SPEAKER_00]: what are my friends link love languages

[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_00]: some people love calls I'm a texture

[00:27:03] [SPEAKER_00]: because I can text everybody back at a

[00:27:05] [SPEAKER_00]: time rather than one call as an example

[00:27:09] [SPEAKER_00]: so for the friends who like calls if

[00:27:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I have a moment in my day and capacity

[00:27:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll randomly call them and that lands

[00:27:16] [SPEAKER_00]: really well even if it's five minutes

[00:27:18] [SPEAKER_00]: call them to make that plan instead of

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_00]: texting it's a small shift but nobody's

[00:27:24] [SPEAKER_00]: mad if you have something in the cow

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and especially if they like calls that I

[00:27:28] [SPEAKER_00]: called them so that's what I try to do

[00:27:30] [SPEAKER_00]: just five minutes just want to check in

[00:27:32] [SPEAKER_00]: thinking about you sending you a lot of

[00:27:34] [SPEAKER_00]: love let's get something in do these

[00:27:36] [SPEAKER_00]: dates work for you and then I probably

[00:27:38] [SPEAKER_00]: won't talk to them again until the

[00:27:40] [SPEAKER_00]: next month when we have our plan

[00:27:41] [SPEAKER_00]: right but I think the people who

[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_00]: take it negatively or maybe not the

[00:27:46] [SPEAKER_00]: people who see the work that I'm doing

[00:27:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and that's okay so always have love for

[00:27:52] [SPEAKER_00]: them but the people who are coming with

[00:27:53] [SPEAKER_00]: me on the journey the close friends who

[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_00]: get it get it I may not see some friends

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_00]: for six months and then when we do it's

[00:27:59] [SPEAKER_00]: like no time has passed that's the

[00:28:01] [SPEAKER_00]: support I need right now because when

[00:28:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel angst and stress and resentment

[00:28:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and sadness it's way more difficult

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_00]: for me to show up in the world in my

[00:28:12] [SPEAKER_00]: life that I need to do and I serve

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_00]: all day so I have to be able to show

[00:28:15] [SPEAKER_00]: up as my best so I want people around

[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_00]: me who are going to pour into that in

[00:28:20] [SPEAKER_01]: some way I can see how all of that can

[00:28:29] [SPEAKER_01]: impact your confidence on a day-to-day

[00:28:34] [SPEAKER_01]: basis for sure because that's just

[00:28:36] [SPEAKER_01]: another thing that's tripping away at

[00:28:38] [SPEAKER_01]: your energy your ability to focus on

[00:28:41] [SPEAKER_01]: your journey and all of those okay

[00:28:42] [SPEAKER_00]: you're not wrong because I had their

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_01]: times where I feel it right and I

[00:28:49] [SPEAKER_01]: was just like exhausted and I've done

[00:28:52] [SPEAKER_01]: the you know I'll still pick up the phone

[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and call there's times where I regretfully

[00:28:57] [SPEAKER_01]: will pick up the phone and be on the

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_01]: phone but I'm not listening yeah and I

[00:29:03] [SPEAKER_01]: feel terrible at the end because I'm

[00:29:05] [SPEAKER_01]: in the middle of an email but I know

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_01]: if I don't pick up this call that

[00:29:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I've already now not been able to

[00:29:09] [SPEAKER_01]: pick up twice mm-hmm I'm going to a

[00:29:13] [SPEAKER_01]: be upset about it because I didn't

[00:29:14] [SPEAKER_01]: show up for my friend yeah and be

[00:29:18] [SPEAKER_01]: this person I've been on the I've been

[00:29:20] [SPEAKER_01]: on the other side where I've called

[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_01]: people and they've just been too busy

[00:29:23] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah and I felt like oh I'm clearly not

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_01]: important enough if I was you would have

[00:29:29] [SPEAKER_01]: picked up or in the age of social media

[00:29:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I saw you post a story yeah how are

[00:29:33] [SPEAKER_00]: you posting and not texting me back it's

[00:29:35] [SPEAKER_00]: so real right but I'm like I have a

[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_00]: social media manager she's posting not

[00:29:39] [SPEAKER_01]: me but like it's this constant you

[00:29:42] [SPEAKER_01]: know balancing act of your journey for

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_01]: sure because I think to your point that

[00:29:48] [SPEAKER_01]: is the priority it is right like when you

[00:29:50] [SPEAKER_01]: finally locked in to the thing that

[00:29:54] [SPEAKER_01]: fulfills you gives you passion drives

[00:29:57] [SPEAKER_01]: you yeah you can you may not know what

[00:29:59] [SPEAKER_01]: the end destination is but you know

[00:30:01] [SPEAKER_01]: you're going in that general direction

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_01]: for sure everything else almost has to

[00:30:07] [SPEAKER_01]: support it or not be a part of it it's

[00:30:09] [SPEAKER_00]: one of the way yet 100% you know when

[00:30:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's inevitable that some people

[00:30:14] [SPEAKER_00]: will be feel sad or take it personal for

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_00]: sure and you know I try my best to at

[00:30:22] [SPEAKER_00]: least be super mindful if I know that

[00:30:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I have messed up like I missed the call

[00:30:27] [SPEAKER_00]: or I didn't show up to the event or I

[00:30:29] [SPEAKER_00]: had to cancel last minute I'll try to

[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_00]: make a note and give some extra energy

[00:30:33] [SPEAKER_00]: to that person to that friendship to

[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_00]: that relationship to remind them that

[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just human nobody's perfect I

[00:30:41] [SPEAKER_00]: recognize that this is an important

[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship to both of us how can I do

[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_00]: better and often try to send those texts

[00:30:48] [SPEAKER_00]: like hey I appreciate you being patient

[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_00]: with me like what can I do to support you

[00:30:53] [SPEAKER_00]: better or to show up better and it's really

[00:30:56] [SPEAKER_00]: humbling experience to be honest but if

[00:31:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not willing to grow and if I'm

[00:31:02] [SPEAKER_00]: not willing to listen to the people who

[00:31:03] [SPEAKER_00]: love and support me then I don't think

[00:31:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I could show up as my best it's a

[00:31:10] [SPEAKER_00]: tough conversation

[00:31:11] [SPEAKER_01]: what about mental resilience you know

[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_01]: there's like you we've all encountered

[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_01]: people who no matter how tough life gets

[00:31:19] [SPEAKER_01]: whether it's at work family they just

[00:31:22] [SPEAKER_01]: seem to be able to bounce back from it

[00:31:25] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah they'll go through it they'll have

[00:31:27] [SPEAKER_01]: their time their moments where they're

[00:31:28] [SPEAKER_01]: really in the depths of their pain

[00:31:31] [SPEAKER_01]: their hurt their frustration their

[00:31:32] [SPEAKER_01]: stress but then they just bounce back

[00:31:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and they're ready to go I like to

[00:31:37] [SPEAKER_01]: think of myself as someone who's mentally

[00:31:39] [SPEAKER_01]: resilient and I've encountered people

[00:31:43] [SPEAKER_01]: who because I'm aware of both myself and

[00:31:48] [SPEAKER_01]: other people who are mentally resilient

[00:31:50] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah when I come across someone who

[00:31:52] [SPEAKER_01]: isn't like I'm like what I don't quite

[00:31:57] [SPEAKER_01]: know what the the difference is there

[00:31:59] [SPEAKER_01]: so if someone's listening watching this

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_01]: and goes I know that I struggle when

[00:32:03] [SPEAKER_01]: something gets too stressful I break

[00:32:05] [SPEAKER_01]: down I shut down I can't function

[00:32:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm overwhelmed what could they do to

[00:32:10] [SPEAKER_01]: build that resiliency yeah great

[00:32:12] [SPEAKER_00]: question building resiliency is tough

[00:32:17] [SPEAKER_00]: because it's almost like trial and

[00:32:19] [SPEAKER_00]: error you have to go through it and get

[00:32:22] [SPEAKER_01]: up you have to wrap some you have to

[00:32:24] [SPEAKER_00]: fall and get up yet the fall and get

[00:32:27] [SPEAKER_00]: up because each time you learn something

[00:32:28] [SPEAKER_00]: new but what I will say is that I

[00:32:33] [SPEAKER_00]: also think we put way too much pressure

[00:32:34] [SPEAKER_00]: on ourselves if someone is overwhelmed

[00:32:36] [SPEAKER_00]: it's too much my number one suggestion

[00:32:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to all of my clients is to shut it down

[00:32:42] [SPEAKER_00]: cancel everything clear that calendar

[00:32:46] [SPEAKER_00]: obviously within reason of the person

[00:32:48] [SPEAKER_00]: schedule do something like literally

[00:32:51] [SPEAKER_00]: just rest or go for a walk that's

[00:32:53] [SPEAKER_00]: available to you or hang out with a

[00:32:55] [SPEAKER_00]: friend who you can feel your best

[00:32:57] [SPEAKER_00]: around or call your parents or go for

[00:32:59] [SPEAKER_00]: a workout or just something that you

[00:33:01] [SPEAKER_00]: know will shift your energy have an

[00:33:04] [SPEAKER_00]: amazing sleep wake up early and try

[00:33:07] [SPEAKER_00]: again but plan for your day a little

[00:33:10] [SPEAKER_00]: bit differently I don't think there's

[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_00]: anything wrong with shutting it down

[00:33:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I shut it down all the time I get

[00:33:15] [SPEAKER_00]: overwhelmed all the time but I have

[00:33:19] [SPEAKER_00]: the luxury where I can shift my

[00:33:20] [SPEAKER_00]: calendar a little bit you know to an

[00:33:23] [SPEAKER_00]: extent if I have to shift a meeting I

[00:33:25] [SPEAKER_00]: can do that and I will take full

[00:33:29] [SPEAKER_00]: responsibility and always do that

[00:33:30] [SPEAKER_00]: say hey goddess move these around

[00:33:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just don't have the capacity or

[00:33:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll take put blocks in my calendar so

[00:33:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I would say give yourself up a system

[00:33:41] [SPEAKER_00]: of what to do when you do feel

[00:33:43] [SPEAKER_00]: overwhelmed so that way it's readily

[00:33:46] [SPEAKER_00]: available to you rather than us feeling

[00:33:47] [SPEAKER_00]: like oh my god I'm feeling off this

[00:33:49] [SPEAKER_00]: is not good I don't like this I'm

[00:33:51] [SPEAKER_00]: gonna fail I'm not gonna get it done

[00:33:53] [SPEAKER_00]: we're scrambling but if you give

[00:33:55] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself a system of some kind say

[00:33:57] [SPEAKER_00]: okay when I feel overwhelmed I do a

[00:34:00] [SPEAKER_00]: B.C. then that means you're gonna go

[00:34:02] [SPEAKER_00]: to it right away implement it right away

[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and probably immediately start feeling

[00:34:07] [SPEAKER_00]: better it's the scramble that I think

[00:34:10] [SPEAKER_00]: takes people lower than it might need

[00:34:12] [SPEAKER_00]: to yeah that's right but it's like oh

[00:34:17] [SPEAKER_00]: cool I felt this before and the last

[00:34:21] [SPEAKER_00]: time I felt this I did this this and

[00:34:24] [SPEAKER_00]: this just having a plan immediately

[00:34:29] [SPEAKER_00]: will start calming the nervous system

[00:34:32] [SPEAKER_01]: sometimes there's a paralysis of in like

[00:34:34] [SPEAKER_01]: from there's only almost too much to do

[00:34:38] [SPEAKER_01]: you don't know where to start that you

[00:34:39] [SPEAKER_01]: just shut down yeah find yourself sitting

[00:34:41] [SPEAKER_01]: staring at a screen for an hour I don't

[00:34:44] [SPEAKER_01]: know where to begin yeah I think there's

[00:34:45] [SPEAKER_00]: a big stigma about shutting it down

[00:34:47] [SPEAKER_00]: but let's debunk that shutting it down

[00:34:50] [SPEAKER_00]: is not a bad thing it's just not a

[00:34:51] [SPEAKER_00]: place for you to stay yeah right

[00:34:54] [SPEAKER_00]: nothing grows there if we think about

[00:34:56] [SPEAKER_00]: how stress has been studied in the last

[00:35:00] [SPEAKER_00]: let's say 40 years it was studied as

[00:35:02] [SPEAKER_00]: one way up until about 1965 stress bad

[00:35:06] [SPEAKER_00]: for you cardiac arrest 19th killer in

[00:35:10] [SPEAKER_00]: the world and then in about 1965 new

[00:35:16] [SPEAKER_00]: psychology started to study it

[00:35:17] [SPEAKER_00]: differently and realized that there

[00:35:20] [SPEAKER_00]: is good stress bad stress and I was

[00:35:23] [SPEAKER_00]: fascinated when I learned this because

[00:35:25] [SPEAKER_00]: stress was always such a big topic

[00:35:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and I like you're in the hospital for

[00:35:29] [SPEAKER_00]: stress so many things and what they

[00:35:32] [SPEAKER_00]: realized after years of case studies is

[00:35:35] [SPEAKER_00]: that stress isn't necessarily bad for

[00:35:38] [SPEAKER_00]: you it's how you think it impacts you

[00:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: so for example they had a case study

[00:35:45] [SPEAKER_00]: where one group had the stress same

[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_00]: stressors same stressors but one

[00:35:50] [SPEAKER_00]: group saw the stressor as a positive

[00:35:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and the other group saw the stressor

[00:35:54] [SPEAKER_00]: as a negative the group that saw it

[00:35:56] [SPEAKER_00]: as a negative had physical impacts

[00:36:00] [SPEAKER_00]: their stresses were level their arteries

[00:36:03] [SPEAKER_00]: were clogged their blood pressure was

[00:36:05] [SPEAKER_00]: high the people who deemed stress a

[00:36:08] [SPEAKER_00]: positive in some way had none of those

[00:36:10] [SPEAKER_00]: symptoms so what that showed us is that

[00:36:14] [SPEAKER_00]: if you attach a different meaning to

[00:36:16] [SPEAKER_00]: the stressor you may be experiencing

[00:36:18] [SPEAKER_00]: it'll allow your heart to your arteries

[00:36:21] [SPEAKER_00]: to remain the same because when

[00:36:23] [SPEAKER_00]: you're stressing you see it negative

[00:36:24] [SPEAKER_00]: they start to close that's why it's

[00:36:26] [SPEAKER_00]: attached to cardiac arrest but if you

[00:36:28] [SPEAKER_00]: attach a positive they remain the same

[00:36:30] [SPEAKER_00]: meaning it's no longer a danger zone

[00:36:32] [SPEAKER_00]: for your physical body and I think

[00:36:35] [SPEAKER_00]: people have got it really misconstrued

[00:36:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that stress is like this and I'll be

[00:36:38] [SPEAKER_00]: all place that we live in for months

[00:36:40] [SPEAKER_00]: days years when really it's it was

[00:36:43] [SPEAKER_00]: in its four humans to get through

[00:36:46] [SPEAKER_00]: something stress is there to help you

[00:36:48] [SPEAKER_00]: achieve something so you know let's

[00:36:52] [SPEAKER_00]: okay an easy example is you're studying

[00:36:55] [SPEAKER_00]: for an all nighter because you have an exam

[00:36:56] [SPEAKER_00]: the next day somehow you have energy

[00:36:59] [SPEAKER_00]: somehow you're up till 4 a.m.

[00:37:01] [SPEAKER_00]: somehow you're writing notes taking

[00:37:02] [SPEAKER_00]: things in but then you write the exam

[00:37:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and then you go home we go to sleep

[00:37:07] [SPEAKER_00]: the problem is now that we're you know

[00:37:09] [SPEAKER_00]: older and in our jobs and careers

[00:37:11] [SPEAKER_00]: that we try to maintain that energy

[00:37:14] [SPEAKER_00]: really were stressed and we finished

[00:37:16] [SPEAKER_00]: the exam and now we're going to go to

[00:37:17] [SPEAKER_00]: work and now we're gonna go have

[00:37:18] [SPEAKER_00]: meetings impossible yeah and now

[00:37:21] [SPEAKER_00]: we're in the burnout so stress is to

[00:37:24] [SPEAKER_00]: help you achieve something and then

[00:37:26] [SPEAKER_00]: you go back down but most people are

[00:37:28] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to achieve it and stay and that

[00:37:31] [SPEAKER_00]: would impact some negatively so stress

[00:37:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and overwhelm are all connected but

[00:37:38] [SPEAKER_00]: the research shows us that when you

[00:37:39] [SPEAKER_00]: take that time to slow down and come

[00:37:42] [SPEAKER_00]: back just like when you're working

[00:37:43] [SPEAKER_00]: out a hit workout great but if you're

[00:37:46] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to also build muscle and

[00:37:49] [SPEAKER_00]: support your joints are going a

[00:37:51] [SPEAKER_00]: little bit slower same thing yeah so

[00:37:55] [SPEAKER_00]: the overwhelm on the shutdown is not a

[00:37:57] [SPEAKER_00]: bad thing it's you literally reprogramming

[00:38:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and rehabilitating your nervous system

[00:38:02] [SPEAKER_00]: so that you can show up again the next

[00:38:04] [SPEAKER_01]: day what about the people who work in

[00:38:07] [SPEAKER_01]: the traditional corporate environment

[00:38:09] [SPEAKER_01]: that doesn't allow them to shut down

[00:38:12] [SPEAKER_01]: because they could be stressed they

[00:38:14] [SPEAKER_01]: could find themselves in a stressful

[00:38:15] [SPEAKER_01]: situation looking to complete a

[00:38:17] [SPEAKER_01]: deliverable for their boss for a

[00:38:19] [SPEAKER_01]: client whatever they work they work till

[00:38:22] [SPEAKER_01]: midnight the work till to they get it

[00:38:24] [SPEAKER_01]: done they present the next morning and

[00:38:26] [SPEAKER_01]: then to your point rather than shutting

[00:38:28] [SPEAKER_01]: down they now have to jump into more

[00:38:30] [SPEAKER_01]: meetings and basically immediately

[00:38:32] [SPEAKER_01]: shift to the next deliverable yeah I

[00:38:35] [SPEAKER_00]: would say seasons and reasons so yes

[00:38:39] [SPEAKER_00]: in the corporate space that happens a

[00:38:40] [SPEAKER_00]: lot but most companies now are talking

[00:38:43] [SPEAKER_00]: about mental health more so than ever

[00:38:45] [SPEAKER_00]: before most companies if you're full

[00:38:48] [SPEAKER_00]: time you have access to some kind of

[00:38:50] [SPEAKER_00]: benefits you have access to some kind

[00:38:52] [SPEAKER_00]: of day off so unless those meetings

[00:38:57] [SPEAKER_00]: after you handed in that deliverable

[00:38:58] [SPEAKER_00]: are extremely important and you have to

[00:39:01] [SPEAKER_00]: be there you take that day off

[00:39:04] [SPEAKER_00]: that's what I would recommend because

[00:39:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's also easy to think I

[00:39:09] [SPEAKER_00]: don't want to take a day off more

[00:39:11] [SPEAKER_00]: work this and that but you need to

[00:39:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and maybe you schedule it on a Friday

[00:39:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and then you also schedule a Monday off

[00:39:18] [SPEAKER_00]: that means now you got four days so you

[00:39:20] [SPEAKER_00]: can come back stronger at the end of the

[00:39:21] [SPEAKER_00]: day any company I've ever worked with

[00:39:24] [SPEAKER_00]: would rather their employees come back

[00:39:25] [SPEAKER_00]: stronger and better and feeling amazing

[00:39:28] [SPEAKER_00]: than pushing through course it's

[00:39:30] [SPEAKER_00]: actually more cost-effective for the

[00:39:32] [SPEAKER_00]: large companies as well because if

[00:39:33] [SPEAKER_00]: everyone's on sick leave that's not

[00:39:35] [SPEAKER_01]: a good thing for anyone no so their

[00:39:37] [SPEAKER_00]: ROI is ensuring that their team members

[00:39:40] [SPEAKER_00]: feel good and healthy and are mentally

[00:39:43] [SPEAKER_00]: in a positive space or a healthier

[00:39:46] [SPEAKER_00]: space or more conducive space so finding

[00:39:48] [SPEAKER_01]: corporations are

[00:39:51] [SPEAKER_01]: does this resonate with them I would say

[00:39:55] [SPEAKER_00]: for most of them it does yeah now that

[00:39:57] [SPEAKER_00]: the research has shown you don't want

[00:40:00] [SPEAKER_00]: your people burnt down and miserable

[00:40:01] [SPEAKER_00]: that's also going to impact morale

[00:40:04] [SPEAKER_00]: numbers metrics data everything but

[00:40:07] [SPEAKER_00]: if you spend a little bit more in their

[00:40:11] [SPEAKER_00]: health benefits they have access to

[00:40:13] [SPEAKER_00]: therapy massage a day off they're

[00:40:17] [SPEAKER_00]: going to show up 10 times better and

[00:40:19] [SPEAKER_00]: naturally as humans when we're taking

[00:40:20] [SPEAKER_00]: care of we're going to pull that extra

[00:40:22] [SPEAKER_00]: all nighter knowing that I can support

[00:40:25] [SPEAKER_00]: myself with a day off after when people

[00:40:28] [SPEAKER_00]: are taking care they naturally want to

[00:40:30] [SPEAKER_00]: do better so I think a lot of companies

[00:40:33] [SPEAKER_00]: are receptive to this shift for sure

[00:40:37] [SPEAKER_00]: especially after you know covid and

[00:40:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I was gonna say right there's a few

[00:40:44] [SPEAKER_01]: companies out there that are still

[00:40:46] [SPEAKER_01]: hybrid models yeah people can work from

[00:40:48] [SPEAKER_01]: home because I think people have come to

[00:40:50] [SPEAKER_01]: terms with this reality of I can no

[00:40:53] [SPEAKER_01]: longer balance everything on a Saturday

[00:40:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and Sunday literally which is what we

[00:41:00] [SPEAKER_00]: used to do yeah you know how are you

[00:41:02] [SPEAKER_00]: going to take your kid to a haircut

[00:41:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and all your meetings and go to the

[00:41:05] [SPEAKER_00]: bank and you have a day and a half

[00:41:07] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah it just doesn't doesn't work and

[00:41:10] [SPEAKER_01]: so there's I've seen companies who said

[00:41:12] [SPEAKER_01]: okay listen we totally get it we're

[00:41:14] [SPEAKER_01]: going to keep some form of a hybrid

[00:41:16] [SPEAKER_01]: model because we also believe in you

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_01]: know still some level of being in the

[00:41:21] [SPEAKER_01]: office once twice a day which I actually

[00:41:23] [SPEAKER_01]: agree with because I think for sure you

[00:41:24] [SPEAKER_01]: build bonds and relationships with

[00:41:26] [SPEAKER_01]: your work your co-workers your

[00:41:27] [SPEAKER_01]: employers your staff whatever the

[00:41:29] [SPEAKER_00]: case may be a little bit of morale

[00:41:31] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah but then there are some companies

[00:41:34] [SPEAKER_01]: who are just very much like nope back in

[00:41:36] [SPEAKER_01]: the office five days a week very rigid

[00:41:38] [SPEAKER_01]: and so I've seen and spoken to people

[00:41:41] [SPEAKER_01]: who work for those kinds of organizations

[00:41:43] [SPEAKER_01]: who have told me that they've they

[00:41:45] [SPEAKER_01]: struggle yeah more than ever more than

[00:41:47] [SPEAKER_01]: pre-pandemic because they've learned

[00:41:50] [SPEAKER_01]: what it's like to find some level of

[00:41:52] [SPEAKER_01]: balance and then there's also big

[00:41:56] [SPEAKER_01]: personalities online who are in the

[00:41:58] [SPEAKER_01]: entrepreneurship space different types

[00:42:00] [SPEAKER_01]: of entrepreneurs who talk about how

[00:42:02] [SPEAKER_01]: you know unless you've got people

[00:42:04] [SPEAKER_01]: coming back into the office all the time

[00:42:06] [SPEAKER_01]: you're not driven you're not going to

[00:42:08] [SPEAKER_01]: achieve any measure of success and so

[00:42:10] [SPEAKER_01]: it's also reinforcing this notion that

[00:42:12] [SPEAKER_01]: unless you're basically working to burn

[00:42:14] [SPEAKER_01]: out right you're not going to achieve

[00:42:16] [SPEAKER_01]: any level of success in your life and

[00:42:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I think that's such a dangerous message

[00:42:21] [SPEAKER_00]: so dangerous I would say for a lot of

[00:42:24] [SPEAKER_00]: the companies when they compared

[00:42:25] [SPEAKER_00]: numbers of being in office versus

[00:42:28] [SPEAKER_00]: not weren't that different no if

[00:42:32] [SPEAKER_01]: anything I think people started

[00:42:33] [SPEAKER_01]: working more yeah because everyone would

[00:42:35] [SPEAKER_00]: rather work till 9 p.m. on a Thursday

[00:42:38] [SPEAKER_00]: if you're getting Friday off right so

[00:42:41] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of companies did summer Fridays

[00:42:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and things like that so however I do

[00:42:46] [SPEAKER_00]: agree that there's probably some industries

[00:42:49] [SPEAKER_00]: where you need people in office a little

[00:42:51] [SPEAKER_00]: bit more sure absolutely but again I

[00:42:53] [SPEAKER_00]: think there's everything within reason

[00:42:56] [SPEAKER_00]: depending on the industry but I think

[00:42:59] [SPEAKER_00]: at the same time that's why it's so

[00:43:02] [SPEAKER_00]: important for people to have those

[00:43:03] [SPEAKER_00]: internal tools and that system for

[00:43:05] [SPEAKER_00]: themselves so that way you feel you're

[00:43:08] [SPEAKER_00]: a little bit more proactive right so if

[00:43:11] [SPEAKER_00]: someone is in finance let's say and they

[00:43:13] [SPEAKER_00]: know that end of March is a really intense

[00:43:16] [SPEAKER_00]: super time for them because it's the end

[00:43:18] [SPEAKER_00]: of the fiscal or end of April they might

[00:43:22] [SPEAKER_00]: prepare differently so yeah like the

[00:43:25] [SPEAKER_00]: external things are always going to be

[00:43:27] [SPEAKER_00]: there which is inevitable but can you

[00:43:30] [SPEAKER_00]: really focus on what is best for you so

[00:43:33] [SPEAKER_00]: that we're talking about the companies

[00:43:34] [SPEAKER_00]: but the company's might not change so

[00:43:37] [SPEAKER_00]: it's up to each person to implement a

[00:43:40] [SPEAKER_00]: system that works for them doesn't mean

[00:43:41] [SPEAKER_00]: has to be perfect doesn't have to be

[00:43:43] [SPEAKER_00]: every day but you need to be able to

[00:43:45] [SPEAKER_00]: know and feel when you're getting

[00:43:46] [SPEAKER_00]: overwhelmed you need to know when to

[00:43:48] [SPEAKER_00]: take a day off you need to know when

[00:43:49] [SPEAKER_00]: to delegate or delete as my mentor

[00:43:52] [SPEAKER_00]: likes to say and then I think each

[00:43:55] [SPEAKER_00]: person can be show up a little bit

[00:43:57] [SPEAKER_00]: better or feel better no matter the

[00:43:59] [SPEAKER_00]: environment they might be in what advice

[00:44:03] [SPEAKER_01]: would you give to people who understand

[00:44:08] [SPEAKER_01]: these concepts want to make this change

[00:44:11] [SPEAKER_01]: in their life it'll require that they

[00:44:13] [SPEAKER_01]: have a conversation with their boss

[00:44:15] [SPEAKER_01]: their employer their partner to basically

[00:44:19] [SPEAKER_01]: say I need to set boundaries I mean

[00:44:22] [SPEAKER_01]: setting boundaries with your friend is

[00:44:24] [SPEAKER_01]: as difficult but setting boundaries

[00:44:26] [SPEAKER_01]: with your employer is just a whole

[00:44:28] [SPEAKER_01]: other ballgame yeah what would you say

[00:44:29] [SPEAKER_00]: to those people I would say really take

[00:44:31] [SPEAKER_00]: some time and understand what that would

[00:44:33] [SPEAKER_00]: look like for you write those down and

[00:44:37] [SPEAKER_00]: then share that with them in a more

[00:44:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and a good conducive way like

[00:44:41] [SPEAKER_00]: collaborative because I think again in

[00:44:43] [SPEAKER_00]: every industry there's room for boundaries

[00:44:45] [SPEAKER_00]: for example someone could block their

[00:44:47] [SPEAKER_00]: calendar every day from nine to ten

[00:44:49] [SPEAKER_00]: that is my time to check my emails

[00:44:52] [SPEAKER_00]: please don't book me for meetings to

[00:44:54] [SPEAKER_00]: accept like what employer is going to be

[00:44:56] [SPEAKER_00]: like absolutely not unless it's a major

[00:45:00] [SPEAKER_00]: emergency and the CEO needs to have a

[00:45:02] [SPEAKER_00]: meeting with you most companies like

[00:45:04] [SPEAKER_00]: okay but did you get your work done right

[00:45:07] [SPEAKER_00]: so I think there is ways to empower

[00:45:09] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself and have those conversations

[00:45:11] [SPEAKER_00]: about what little things are important

[00:45:13] [SPEAKER_00]: to you or every day blocking your lunch

[00:45:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and saying 12 to 1 I am out for lunch

[00:45:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to go look at the sky the

[00:45:21] [SPEAKER_00]: trees eat a meal connect with a friend

[00:45:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll come back get my work done so

[00:45:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I think there is room and I think it's a

[00:45:28] [SPEAKER_00]: collaborative process for all and all

[00:45:30] [SPEAKER_00]: people leaders I think are a little bit

[00:45:32] [SPEAKER_00]: more on that path now than ever before

[00:45:34] [SPEAKER_01]: you say people leader what does that mean

[00:45:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I think I know what you mean yeah and

[00:45:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I guess anyone who more than one or

[00:45:43] [SPEAKER_00]: two people report to them okay you

[00:45:45] [SPEAKER_00]: know so like they're the person who

[00:45:47] [SPEAKER_00]: would be their direct first person

[00:45:50] [SPEAKER_00]: to bring those potential suggestions

[00:45:52] [SPEAKER_01]: to so I thought something different

[00:45:54] [SPEAKER_00]: actually well that that too that works

[00:45:57] [SPEAKER_00]: to yeah yeah I have this yeah because

[00:45:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I think that you know we throw the word

[00:46:02] [SPEAKER_01]: leader around a little loosely these

[00:46:04] [SPEAKER_00]: days tell me tell me more what do you

[00:46:06] [SPEAKER_01]: mean by loosely well I think anybody

[00:46:08] [SPEAKER_01]: that's in a position of authority is

[00:46:09] [SPEAKER_01]: considered a leader especially in a lot

[00:46:11] [SPEAKER_01]: of corporate settings and I don't think

[00:46:12] [SPEAKER_01]: that's the case I think you could be

[00:46:14] [SPEAKER_01]: a manager because that's what you're

[00:46:16] [SPEAKER_01]: doing you're managing but to be a

[00:46:18] [SPEAKER_01]: leader I think requires a level of

[00:46:20] [SPEAKER_01]: emotional intelligence that a lot of

[00:46:22] [SPEAKER_01]: managers don't have I've worked with

[00:46:25] [SPEAKER_01]: managers who you can empty your soul to

[00:46:32] [SPEAKER_01]: them right because there's just that

[00:46:33] [SPEAKER_01]: level of connection and you always

[00:46:35] [SPEAKER_01]: felt like they had your back and you

[00:46:38] [SPEAKER_01]: would work the extra hour if you

[00:46:40] [SPEAKER_01]: needed to and you never once thought

[00:46:42] [SPEAKER_01]: for sure badly about it and then

[00:46:45] [SPEAKER_01]: you've I've had managers where I was

[00:46:48] [SPEAKER_01]: like I would not lift my pinky finger

[00:46:51] [SPEAKER_01]: for you literally awful leader right and

[00:46:56] [SPEAKER_01]: oftentimes I've noticed these are

[00:46:58] [SPEAKER_01]: individuals who were extremely

[00:46:59] [SPEAKER_01]: successful in an isolated role that

[00:47:01] [SPEAKER_01]: required them to with no oversight on

[00:47:04] [SPEAKER_01]: other people yep and that measure of

[00:47:06] [SPEAKER_01]: success afforded them a promotion into

[00:47:08] [SPEAKER_01]: a position that oversees other people

[00:47:10] [SPEAKER_01]: and they think that that same approach

[00:47:12] [SPEAKER_01]: works for them but now you're

[00:47:14] [SPEAKER_01]: overseeing other people and it

[00:47:15] [SPEAKER_01]: doesn't doesn't work yeah and so

[00:47:17] [SPEAKER_01]: there's a conflict there and suddenly

[00:47:18] [SPEAKER_01]: you have people within that team

[00:47:20] [SPEAKER_01]: where they're dropping out burning out

[00:47:23] [SPEAKER_01]: not interested checking out mentally

[00:47:25] [SPEAKER_01]: and I've been part of those teams

[00:47:27] [SPEAKER_01]: and I've seen superstar performers

[00:47:31] [SPEAKER_01]: suddenly become the equivalent of

[00:47:33] [SPEAKER_01]: someone who's just like I can't even

[00:47:34] [SPEAKER_01]: believe you saw the job yeah and it's

[00:47:37] [SPEAKER_01]: so unfortunate to see that these

[00:47:39] [SPEAKER_01]: individuals are in these leadership

[00:47:41] [SPEAKER_01]: positions why I say it's thrown out

[00:47:43] [SPEAKER_00]: loosely no that's totally fair I

[00:47:44] [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't exactly what I was thinking

[00:47:46] [SPEAKER_00]: but I like that because I also think

[00:47:49] [SPEAKER_00]: on the flip side a coordinator could

[00:47:51] [SPEAKER_00]: be a leader a junior could be a leader

[00:47:54] [SPEAKER_00]: leader is necessarily attached to your

[00:47:57] [SPEAKER_00]: title to your point which I think is

[00:47:58] [SPEAKER_00]: great because you know for the first

[00:48:01] [SPEAKER_00]: time ever in the last let's say five

[00:48:03] [SPEAKER_00]: to ten years EQ has become equally

[00:48:06] [SPEAKER_00]: important to IQ if not more yep but

[00:48:09] [SPEAKER_00]: as you said a lot of the leaders and

[00:48:10] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of people were never taught with

[00:48:13] [SPEAKER_00]: that so I also have compassion for those

[00:48:15] [SPEAKER_00]: leaders because out of nowhere now

[00:48:17] [SPEAKER_00]: they're like hey we need you to actually

[00:48:19] [SPEAKER_00]: implement all these new skills that no

[00:48:21] [SPEAKER_00]: one ever talked to you about and you're

[00:48:22] [SPEAKER_00]: now you know a COO and you've been in

[00:48:26] [SPEAKER_00]: this role for 20 years that's difficult

[00:48:28] [SPEAKER_00]: to unlearn and relearn so you can

[00:48:31] [SPEAKER_00]: better accommodate other humans yeah

[00:48:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I have compassion for those leaders

[00:48:36] [SPEAKER_01]: as well yeah it's a struggle but I think

[00:48:41] [SPEAKER_01]: it reinforces this idea that eat to

[00:48:44] [SPEAKER_01]: your point EQ has become so much more

[00:48:46] [SPEAKER_01]: valuable yeah me too because I think

[00:48:50] [SPEAKER_01]: that it actually builds a better team

[00:48:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean I'm a sports fan in general I love

[00:48:54] [SPEAKER_01]: watching sports and I've always been

[00:48:57] [SPEAKER_01]: fascinated by the idea of why some

[00:49:00] [SPEAKER_01]: teams will make the captain of the

[00:49:02] [SPEAKER_01]: team a person who may not necessarily

[00:49:04] [SPEAKER_01]: be the best performer on the team

[00:49:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and oftentimes when you listen to the

[00:49:09] [SPEAKER_01]: press conferences they would talk about

[00:49:11] [SPEAKER_01]: how this person was the most standup

[00:49:14] [SPEAKER_01]: individual in the dressing room they

[00:49:16] [SPEAKER_01]: are you know that the rest of the team

[00:49:19] [SPEAKER_01]: loves them they listen to them and I

[00:49:22] [SPEAKER_01]: thought oh so it's not about how many

[00:49:25] [SPEAKER_01]: points you put up or how big your

[00:49:27] [SPEAKER_01]: contract is or whatever the case may be

[00:49:29] [SPEAKER_00]: yeah it's morale and just you know as

[00:49:32] [SPEAKER_00]: someone who was always felt like I was

[00:49:33] [SPEAKER_00]: in more of an EQ person my whole life

[00:49:37] [SPEAKER_00]: you know I was always even like in

[00:49:39] [SPEAKER_00]: grade four when I was like I talk

[00:49:40] [SPEAKER_00]: about energy I remember being like

[00:49:43] [SPEAKER_00]: ooh please don't yell at me you know

[00:49:45] [SPEAKER_00]: like anyone like I can I won't listen

[00:49:47] [SPEAKER_00]: if you're yelling at me and I never

[00:49:49] [SPEAKER_00]: thought that those skills would be

[00:49:51] [SPEAKER_00]: rewarded because when I looked around

[00:49:53] [SPEAKER_00]: at the world it wasn't it wasn't a

[00:49:57] [SPEAKER_00]: place for it but then I grew up and

[00:49:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I was like whoa the world is shifting

[00:50:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and now caring about feelings and

[00:50:04] [SPEAKER_00]: being a different style of leader is

[00:50:06] [SPEAKER_00]: supported and that's what you know

[00:50:08] [SPEAKER_00]: really inspired me to kind of go

[00:50:11] [SPEAKER_00]: deeper in this work you know I

[00:50:12] [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't a confident kid at first I

[00:50:17] [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't I didn't really like going to

[00:50:19] [SPEAKER_00]: school or doing any of that I was

[00:50:20] [SPEAKER_00]: bullied so much and naturally my

[00:50:24] [SPEAKER_00]: response was okay let me bully them

[00:50:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna bully so that I don't get

[00:50:29] [SPEAKER_00]: bullied yeah but then because I feel

[00:50:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a very intuitive person I naturally

[00:50:34] [SPEAKER_00]: didn't like the way it made me feel

[00:50:36] [SPEAKER_00]: to make other people feel how I felt

[00:50:38] [SPEAKER_00]: so then I started to do things

[00:50:41] [SPEAKER_00]: differently and again I was only like

[00:50:43] [SPEAKER_00]: you know in grade four when I started

[00:50:44] [SPEAKER_00]: to think about these things but by the

[00:50:47] [SPEAKER_00]: time I got to grade 10 I was over 600

[00:50:49] [SPEAKER_00]: pounds I first only person of color at

[00:50:52] [SPEAKER_00]: my new school there was a lot coming

[00:50:54] [SPEAKER_00]: at me but I decided to literally lead

[00:50:58] [SPEAKER_00]: with love which is one of my favorite

[00:50:59] [SPEAKER_00]: mantras and show up as my best and

[00:51:03] [SPEAKER_00]: that allowed me to you know not be

[00:51:05] [SPEAKER_00]: the bully support other kids who are

[00:51:07] [SPEAKER_00]: being bullied and I want went on to

[00:51:09] [SPEAKER_00]: become prom queen and voted most

[00:51:11] [SPEAKER_00]: popular kid in school and none of that

[00:51:13] [SPEAKER_00]: matters now because I'm in my 30s but

[00:51:16] [SPEAKER_00]: it's a reminder to me always that it

[00:51:19] [SPEAKER_00]: doesn't matter who you are where you

[00:51:20] [SPEAKER_00]: from or what you look like building

[00:51:22] [SPEAKER_00]: confidence within yourself is only

[00:51:24] [SPEAKER_00]: something that can come from here and

[00:51:25] [SPEAKER_00]: it'll absolutely shift how you show up

[00:51:28] [SPEAKER_00]: in the world because instead of people

[00:51:30] [SPEAKER_00]: seeing me as a 600 pound kid in high

[00:51:32] [SPEAKER_00]: school they saw me as Rhea and

[00:51:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that's invaluable because it made a

[00:51:39] [SPEAKER_00]: difference and it was almost like being

[00:51:43] [SPEAKER_00]: reciprocated me showing up receiving

[00:51:45] [SPEAKER_00]: that I never saw myself as that person

[00:51:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I just saw myself as Rhea and it's been

[00:51:51] [SPEAKER_00]: beautiful journey to see other people

[00:51:52] [SPEAKER_00]: really see me for me because also back

[00:51:55] [SPEAKER_00]: then being masculine and all these

[00:51:57] [SPEAKER_00]: things wasn't really supported you know

[00:52:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I was 50 cent was very big at that

[00:52:05] [SPEAKER_00]: time so we're all wearing the baggy

[00:52:07] [SPEAKER_00]: clothes bandana and you know queer so

[00:52:12] [SPEAKER_00]: people no matter what I showed up as

[00:52:16] [SPEAKER_00]: externally they saw me for me

[00:52:19] [SPEAKER_00]: internally and I think that is the most

[00:52:21] [SPEAKER_00]: beautiful thing that has carried me

[00:52:24] [SPEAKER_00]: through my life to continue to show up

[00:52:26] [SPEAKER_01]: as myself which is a good lesson for

[00:52:28] [SPEAKER_01]: other people exactly as you work with

[00:52:30] [SPEAKER_01]: them but as they listen and watch this

[00:52:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to ask you one more question

[00:52:34] [SPEAKER_01]: please you talked about leaders being

[00:52:40] [SPEAKER_01]: more in touch with their people's

[00:52:41] [SPEAKER_01]: emotions there's also a growing narrative

[00:52:44] [SPEAKER_01]: to say that that's not a conducive

[00:52:48] [SPEAKER_01]: environment for growth and success over

[00:52:53] [SPEAKER_01]: the long term for an organization or a

[00:52:55] [SPEAKER_01]: team where yes to some degree you can

[00:52:59] [SPEAKER_01]: be empathetic but also this isn't a

[00:53:03] [SPEAKER_01]: group therapy session this is work

[00:53:05] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah where's the balance there because

[00:53:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I can understand that argument and go

[00:53:10] [SPEAKER_01]: okay yes I want to be empathetic but

[00:53:12] [SPEAKER_01]: also we're here for a collective

[00:53:13] [SPEAKER_01]: objective sure so there's a time in

[00:53:15] [SPEAKER_00]: place yeah I think that's totally fair

[00:53:17] [SPEAKER_00]: at the end of the day the leader is

[00:53:19] [SPEAKER_00]: not qualified to be the therapist

[00:53:22] [SPEAKER_00]: anyways right but it's a room for

[00:53:25] [SPEAKER_00]: understanding and compassion and that

[00:53:28] [SPEAKER_00]: can look really different for example

[00:53:30] [SPEAKER_00]: if someone says hey I've had a really

[00:53:32] [SPEAKER_00]: tough week some things happened in my

[00:53:35] [SPEAKER_00]: life can I please get an extension on

[00:53:37] [SPEAKER_00]: this deliverable a leader who's coming

[00:53:40] [SPEAKER_00]: from a place of compassion will say I'm

[00:53:43] [SPEAKER_00]: really happy that you told me please

[00:53:45] [SPEAKER_00]: take some time I'll make sure to delegate

[00:53:47] [SPEAKER_00]: this work and why don't you take a

[00:53:49] [SPEAKER_00]: couple days off and let's check in then

[00:53:51] [SPEAKER_00]: so I'm not that leaders isn't there to

[00:53:53] [SPEAKER_00]: give you support all the support

[00:53:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and advice but can they recognize that

[00:53:57] [SPEAKER_00]: humans will go through things and

[00:53:59] [SPEAKER_00]: then right in this moment this team

[00:54:01] [SPEAKER_00]: member needs some support and we're

[00:54:02] [SPEAKER_00]: gonna figure out a way to get that off

[00:54:05] [SPEAKER_00]: their plate and make sure they have a

[00:54:07] [SPEAKER_00]: couple of days and come back

[00:54:09] [SPEAKER_00]: whereas another leader might say okay

[00:54:12] [SPEAKER_00]: you know get that done and then and

[00:54:14] [SPEAKER_00]: then take some time off or okay thanks

[00:54:17] [SPEAKER_00]: why don't you go talk to HR or you

[00:54:19] [SPEAKER_00]: know my personal yeah right I've gotten

[00:54:22] [SPEAKER_01]: those and I was just like thanks yeah

[00:54:24] [SPEAKER_00]: which makes people feel like I'm just

[00:54:26] [SPEAKER_00]: a number I don't matter which

[00:54:27] [SPEAKER_00]: completely removes that leadership

[00:54:29] [SPEAKER_00]: piece right Simon Sennett said it best

[00:54:31] [SPEAKER_00]: he said leaders are build teams where

[00:54:35] [SPEAKER_00]: they know the that leader would do the

[00:54:36] [SPEAKER_00]: same for them I'm gonna do this for them

[00:54:39] [SPEAKER_00]: because I know that they would do this

[00:54:40] [SPEAKER_00]: for me and that's really the same

[00:54:42] [SPEAKER_00]: experience I've had when a leader shows

[00:54:43] [SPEAKER_00]: that they care about me and can lead

[00:54:46] [SPEAKER_00]: with love like yeah you're gonna put

[00:54:47] [SPEAKER_00]: me in my place and I'm still gonna

[00:54:49] [SPEAKER_00]: get reprimanded if I didn't do

[00:54:50] [SPEAKER_00]: something to an extent but you care

[00:54:51] [SPEAKER_00]: about me overall as a human and if

[00:54:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I have that level of respect then I

[00:54:56] [SPEAKER_00]: will go the extra mile for you

[00:54:57] [SPEAKER_00]: because I don't want to disappoint you

[00:54:58] [SPEAKER_00]: or let you down or have you be

[00:55:00] [SPEAKER_00]: impacted negatively but I think it's a

[00:55:02] [SPEAKER_00]: delicate dance on how to really create

[00:55:05] [SPEAKER_00]: that especially in big companies or big

[00:55:08] [SPEAKER_00]: teens yeah but that's why they bring

[00:55:11] [SPEAKER_00]: in people like me

[00:55:13] [SPEAKER_01]: thanks so much my pleasure this is

[00:55:15] [SPEAKER_01]: awesome I learned a ton stress can be

[00:55:19] [SPEAKER_01]: good stress is good just about how

[00:55:21] [SPEAKER_01]: you frame it absolutely and hopefully

[00:55:25] [SPEAKER_00]: no longer feeling as much imposter

[00:55:26] [SPEAKER_00]: yes that's the ultimate we know that

[00:55:29] [SPEAKER_00]: lots of people are watching you better

[00:55:33] [SPEAKER_01]: but subscribe like please just trust me

[00:55:36] [SPEAKER_01]: it'll help me feel a little better

[00:55:38] [SPEAKER_01]: right thank you so much

[00:55:41] [SPEAKER_01]: congrats on the work that you're

[00:55:42] [SPEAKER_01]: doing it's meaningful work I think I

[00:55:45] [SPEAKER_01]: love talking to people who are doing

[00:55:47] [SPEAKER_01]: work that actually help other people

[00:55:50] [SPEAKER_01]: because I think there's so much value

[00:55:52] [SPEAKER_01]: in that and so kudos to you and

[00:55:55] [SPEAKER_01]: your team they deserve a shout out

[00:55:58] [SPEAKER_01]: sure yeah thank you so much for

[00:56:01] [SPEAKER_01]: coming by and maybe we'll do a part

[00:56:04] [SPEAKER_00]: too soon absolutely it's my life's work

[00:56:07] [SPEAKER_00]: so to hear you say that really means

[00:56:08] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot so thank you thank you

[00:56:10] [SPEAKER_01]: who thank you so much everybody