Drugs Took Over My Life, Rehab & the Realities of Detoxing: Danny Fernandes | Ep 100 - Gent's Talk

[00:00:00] In the last 10 years, things happened that I wish never did.

[00:00:03] Like four times I was dead.

[00:00:04] Danny Fernandez is a Juno nominated Canadian singer and songwriter who climbed the charts

[00:00:09] with his R&B and pop music.

[00:00:11] His rise to fame was quick.

[00:00:13] You were nominated for Juno alongside Drake and Justin Bieber.

[00:00:17] What happened from there?

[00:00:19] Drugs.

[00:00:20] The dentist had prescribed me like some painkillers and I just never took them.

[00:00:23] They just sat in my cupboard.

[00:00:24] And then I was in a bad relationship and I remember taking that one and that was

[00:00:27] it game over.

[00:00:28] Being away from that shit, bro, is like the hardest thing I've tried to do.

[00:00:31] Why?

[00:00:34] My family was called into the hospital saying he's not going to make it through the night.

[00:00:37] I had no life.

[00:00:38] Like I was like a fucking just a body with no soul.

[00:00:43] What would you say then to someone currently struggling with addiction?

[00:00:50] Don't be afraid to ask for help.

[00:00:52] We're ashamed to ask for help.

[00:00:54] It's a hard thing to ask for help for.

[00:00:57] Because not a lot of people will know how to help you.

[00:01:24] Danny welcome to the Gents Talk podcast.

[00:01:26] Thank you for having me.

[00:01:27] I know you and I have had this conversation now over the span of, I think, almost a year

[00:01:31] and a half when we first connected.

[00:01:34] And wanted to get you on so we can have a conversation just about your journey because

[00:01:42] you've been on quite a ride these last few years, this last decade, this last

[00:01:47] little while between the music career and then family.

[00:01:52] You've talked openly about your challenges with mental health and addiction and all

[00:01:55] those things. And I think this could be an opportunity just to have an authentic

[00:02:00] conversation in long form because, I mean, you know this better than anybody.

[00:02:05] Social media is, you know, bite sized information is never really good for

[00:02:09] anybody. So this is an opportunity just to have a real honest conversation about

[00:02:14] Danny Fernandez, the man behind the persona.

[00:02:17] You know, for a long time, anybody who recognizes you knows you as that rising

[00:02:21] pop star, that R&B star.

[00:02:26] And life has, I guess, taken a very different turn from what you perhaps expected when

[00:02:30] you were at the top of your game.

[00:02:32] So, you know, where where has Danny Fernandez been, let's say in the last

[00:02:37] decade? What's the story there?

[00:02:42] I've been seeing a lot of things that I wish I never did, to be honest with

[00:02:48] you. To be honest, man, the way I see it is that I have I live two

[00:02:54] different lives. I'm two different people.

[00:02:57] At least I feel I'm the Danny Fernandez, the singer, songwriter, whatever the

[00:03:02] case. And then I'm Daniel also.

[00:03:04] And I feel like I kind of let the Danny take over the whole.

[00:03:11] Everything, I mean, at the end of the day, when I was younger, I couldn't

[00:03:14] imagine the things that happened to me happening, like the success and all

[00:03:18] those things like those are things that I just wished I had.

[00:03:21] And then eventually they started coming true.

[00:03:26] And to be honest, in the last 10 years, like I said, things happened that

[00:03:32] I wish never did, but I can't go back and change that.

[00:03:37] Things that were out of my control.

[00:03:43] I don't even know where to start, man.

[00:03:44] There's so much. Can I swear?

[00:03:46] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:03:48] So much shit has happened to me in the last 10 years.

[00:03:51] I'd say maybe 11, 12 years actually.

[00:03:55] And why don't we start with, you know, the rise to fame?

[00:03:59] I mean, if I read it correctly and correct me if I'm wrong, you were

[00:04:04] nominated for a Juno alongside Drake and Justin Bieber.

[00:04:08] So to get that kind of a nomination really tells puts everybody on

[00:04:14] notice. Danny Fernandez has arrived.

[00:04:17] Your music career is about to take off.

[00:04:20] What happened from there?

[00:04:22] Oh, that was my first year, bro.

[00:04:24] My first year as an artist.

[00:04:25] I was it was 2009.

[00:04:27] I got nominated for the Junos.

[00:04:29] And I think this was before Drake or before Bieber.

[00:04:32] I mean, Drake was there.

[00:04:34] I think I have a photo with him from the Junos that year.

[00:04:37] To be honest, that was just the beginning.

[00:04:40] That was before anything even happened.

[00:04:41] I had just released like my thing, like Private Dancer or something.

[00:04:44] Yeah. And everything after that went upward until about like 2013.

[00:04:51] Then it just started going.

[00:04:53] What was the catalyst?

[00:04:54] What happened?

[00:04:55] Drugs. It was unexpected, to be honest.

[00:04:58] Like I had my teeth done.

[00:05:01] They're veneers and the dentist had prescribed me like some pain

[00:05:03] killers and I just never took them.

[00:05:05] They just sat in my cupboard.

[00:05:07] And then I was in a bad relationship and ended up moving out and taking

[00:05:12] them with me. And then I was just out of curiosity just to see what

[00:05:17] they were, what they would do or how I would feel.

[00:05:20] And I remember taking that one and that was it game over from there.

[00:05:23] And the dentist is going to be like, here, you take these pills.

[00:05:25] You're going to be fucking addicted to them for the rest of your life.

[00:05:28] Because if that was the case and I would have known that I probably

[00:05:30] would never started.

[00:05:32] And everything from that moment on was my brain just switched.

[00:05:37] Now everything was about that.

[00:05:39] I needed that. I needed to find that.

[00:05:40] How was it going to get that?

[00:05:42] Because that was taking everything that I cared about, making me not care

[00:05:46] about it. Like I had no fucking cares in the world, bro.

[00:05:49] Like if I had that, I was good.

[00:05:51] I didn't care about anything that you could say whatever the fuck you

[00:05:54] wanted to say to me didn't matter.

[00:05:55] It couldn't hurt me. I was un fucking touchable until they got to the

[00:05:59] point where it's like I was in denial about the whole thing.

[00:06:02] I was like, there's no way I have a problem.

[00:06:03] Like I don't have a fucking problem.

[00:06:04] So they came to the point where I stopped taking it and I got really sick

[00:06:07] and then I realized that I had a fucking problem.

[00:06:10] And then from then on, it was a struggle to get away from that shit,

[00:06:13] bro. It's like the hardest thing I've tried to do.

[00:06:16] And I've been through some shit like to sit on here.

[00:06:19] I can talk to you for like a whole week about the things I've been

[00:06:22] through. And it's a lot of.

[00:06:27] I mean, I did a lot of things that I wasn't happy or proud of,

[00:06:30] to be honest. I mean, at the same time, but I knew it wasn't me.

[00:06:34] Like the way person I am.

[00:06:38] I would have never done those things if I'm not going to say

[00:06:41] I'm putting all the blame on that shit, because realistically it is that

[00:06:44] shit that made me do all those things that I would have never done

[00:06:47] if I wasn't using.

[00:06:50] Did you ever try to seek help?

[00:06:51] Yeah, but that's all I did.

[00:06:54] That's all I do to this day.

[00:06:56] I brought I went to seven fucking rehabilitation centers, seven of them.

[00:07:00] Why didn't they work?

[00:07:01] I didn't want them to.

[00:07:03] So it was a you thing.

[00:07:04] Yeah, I mean, they were giving me the tools that I needed, but I just didn't.

[00:07:08] I didn't care.

[00:07:10] What needed to happen for you to care more?

[00:07:16] Little by little, I started losing things like,

[00:07:19] but like big things like not like like, OK, I lost my job.

[00:07:22] No, it's not a big deal.

[00:07:24] But like the severity of the losses got bigger and bigger

[00:07:27] and bigger and bigger.

[00:07:28] And then it came to the point where I just like, I can't do this anymore.

[00:07:31] Like what? Like my life was like four times I was dead.

[00:07:35] And I don't know, God, no, he just doesn't want me to go.

[00:07:39] Like there was times where like my family was called into the hospital

[00:07:42] saying he's not going to make it through the night.

[00:07:44] And here I am today.

[00:07:46] So it's mind blowing.

[00:07:48] Like I'm not even joking, I'm not even exaggerating.

[00:07:50] But like four times, like I was gone.

[00:07:53] And then even the most fucked up part is that it didn't stop me.

[00:07:56] Didn't scare me enough.

[00:07:58] OK, I just I my my brain wasn't ready to quit that.

[00:08:02] This is like something about it.

[00:08:03] I loved so much that I just didn't want to stop.

[00:08:06] And it was doing nothing for me, like I wasn't getting high.

[00:08:09] It's not like something that was bringing me joy now.

[00:08:11] Now is something I needed so I can function throughout my day.

[00:08:14] Well, what exactly was it doing?

[00:08:16] If it wasn't getting you a high, but you're saying

[00:08:18] you're describing it as something that was just

[00:08:21] removing your cares from the world and, you know, to some degree,

[00:08:24] as you speak of that, I can almost understand why

[00:08:27] something like that would be so attractive to not have to worry about

[00:08:31] stressors or as an artist.

[00:08:33] People criticizing you online or whatever the case may be.

[00:08:36] But if it's not those things, if it's not if it just removed

[00:08:40] the care in the world, but it didn't give you that high.

[00:08:42] What was it about it that was so attractive?

[00:08:44] To be honest, I don't even know the answer to that.

[00:08:47] It was just I guess it became a habit

[00:08:48] and it was something I was used to.

[00:08:50] And at the end of the day, if I didn't if I stopped taking it, I get like

[00:08:53] super sick, like that feeling of of

[00:08:57] I don't even know how to explain.

[00:08:58] If you've never gone through it, if you never felt it,

[00:09:01] I don't even know how to tell you how it feels.

[00:09:03] Like it's just a brutal feeling.

[00:09:05] Like I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy,

[00:09:07] like the feeling of withdrawal, of not having it, of not like

[00:09:11] just talking about it makes me fucking it's bad.

[00:09:15] What what don't people understand

[00:09:18] about someone who is struggling with addiction?

[00:09:22] Is that it's a sickness, sick disease, like cancer.

[00:09:25] Like we say someone has cancer, you feel bad for that person.

[00:09:27] But you say this person's an addict, they don't feel bad for you.

[00:09:30] I mean, it's the same thing.

[00:09:31] So there's still a stigma around.

[00:09:32] Yeah. And there's not enough attention brought to that.

[00:09:35] So so take, for instance,

[00:09:38] if you have cancer or something, you do a treatment,

[00:09:40] you go through chemotherapy or you do whatever the case is, those treatments.

[00:09:43] So in order for an addict to get help,

[00:09:47] do you know how expensive it is to get help?

[00:09:49] If you're broke, rehabs like 50 grand, 30 grand, 20 grand.

[00:09:53] Like, how the fuck are you supposed to get help if you have to pay

[00:09:55] fucking 30 dollars to get help?

[00:09:57] Well, I didn't know it was that expensive.

[00:09:59] So like so take, for instance, there's an injection I get.

[00:10:01] It's called sublicate.

[00:10:02] So it's it's like a form of suboxone, which you probably don't know.

[00:10:06] It's box and is it's like an opiate replacement.

[00:10:07] So it's like you don't get the withdrawals.

[00:10:09] So it takes cravings away.

[00:10:11] It takes all those things away.

[00:10:12] And that's a pill form.

[00:10:13] But they have an injection

[00:10:16] and it lasts for a month, 30 days.

[00:10:19] You don't have to worry about anything.

[00:10:20] You don't have to wake up in the morning, take a pill every day.

[00:10:21] You're fine for us. Just a one.

[00:10:23] That's the one.

[00:10:23] But that injection is like fucking a thousand dollars.

[00:10:26] Can get very expensive.

[00:10:28] I need to go to a drug addict.

[00:10:29] Would you rather pay a thousand dollars for this injection

[00:10:31] or would you rather buy drugs?

[00:10:32] What are they going to say?

[00:10:33] Right.

[00:10:35] It doesn't make sense.

[00:10:36] And I just feel like people are not getting enough help.

[00:10:39] I mean, there's people out there who want the help, but they one,

[00:10:41] they don't know where to go.

[00:10:42] And two, it's just becoming too expensive.

[00:10:45] So they just say, fuck it.

[00:10:47] Why would I do that?

[00:10:48] And in order to want to stop, you have to want to stop like

[00:10:52] in order to be ready to stop that, you have to want to stop.

[00:10:55] Do you want to stop? Of course.

[00:10:56] I've been wanting to stop for a long time.

[00:10:58] I've stopped.

[00:10:59] What was the trigger moment to make you to you talked about how your brain

[00:11:04] you just didn't want to for a period of time.

[00:11:06] What had to happen for you to finally go?

[00:11:09] I want to stop.

[00:11:12] To be honest, it was when I looked back at like photos of me

[00:11:15] like while I was going through all that and I just saw like

[00:11:19] I had no life, like I was like a fucking just a body with no soul.

[00:11:24] And I look sick.

[00:11:25] I look like I'm not saying I look better now,

[00:11:28] but I'm just saying like I look like like that guy's life sucked.

[00:11:33] You know, like I don't want to go through with that guy's going through.

[00:11:36] And to think about all the shit that I've been through in the last

[00:11:38] fucking 12 years, bro, it's just like people don't understand.

[00:11:41] You know, people are going to come online

[00:11:42] and they're going to say whatever the fuck they want to say about you,

[00:11:44] but they don't know what the fuck you went through.

[00:11:45] They don't know anything about you.

[00:11:47] They know what people tell you. That's it.

[00:11:49] They hear things from this person or they hear things from that person,

[00:11:52] but they don't actually know what it is.

[00:11:55] I went through or what I'm going through.

[00:11:58] You know, everyone's just like, oh, he's a fucking drug addict. OK.

[00:12:01] Are you comfortable sharing? 100 percent.

[00:12:03] So I've always made it open, bro. I've never hid it from anybody.

[00:12:06] I've always been open and honest about this

[00:12:08] because maybe one day I can help somebody.

[00:12:09] But I'm saying like if someone came to me and be like.

[00:12:13] Oh, you use drugs. I'm not going to lie 100 percent.

[00:12:18] I mean, I'm a fucking human being, bro.

[00:12:20] Right. You know, what was the the hardest thing?

[00:12:24] What was the most difficult thing you had to.

[00:12:29] Lose. To get to where you are today, my kids.

[00:12:36] I didn't lose them, but they

[00:12:39] the mom took them away and moved them across province.

[00:12:42] That shit was hard, bro.

[00:12:46] And how do you feel about that now?

[00:12:48] I'm working on getting them back.

[00:12:50] It's going to take time, but whatever it is, what it is, they're good.

[00:12:53] I'm not worried about them.

[00:12:54] Do you feel

[00:12:59] you've shown up as a father? 100 percent.

[00:13:03] When I was in their actual presence, I was the best dad in the world, bro.

[00:13:07] You know, just things happen.

[00:13:09] And like I said, it's out of my control.

[00:13:12] I can't go and change what happened.

[00:13:16] If you can, when you talked about seeing old photos

[00:13:20] of a young Danny or Daniel, for that matter,

[00:13:25] because you talked about two personas.

[00:13:27] So if you if you can

[00:13:30] go back and talk to young Daniel

[00:13:33] before all of this happened, what would you say?

[00:13:42] To be honest, bro, I I'm a very give you the shirt off my back kind of guy.

[00:13:47] And I don't I don't have expectations for other people to do the same for me.

[00:13:51] But if I were to if I were to know or

[00:13:57] knowing what I know now, if I knew that back then,

[00:14:00] I would have been a completely different person.

[00:14:04] You know, everyone else is like a grab kind of guy, you know,

[00:14:06] and they give me this, give me this, give me this.

[00:14:07] But when it comes down to me, fucking bro,

[00:14:09] when this shit happened and people found out I was using drugs,

[00:14:11] all my friends are friends gone.

[00:14:15] Like that disappeared.

[00:14:17] And these people couldn't do anything without me, bro.

[00:14:19] They couldn't go to clubs.

[00:14:20] They couldn't get into clubs. They couldn't.

[00:14:21] Well, it's that shit hurt me more than, let's say,

[00:14:25] my kids being taken away from me.

[00:14:27] These are these people were like my family, bro.

[00:14:29] These guys were like, like, like closer to me than my own my own brothers.

[00:14:34] And for them to just pick up and just leave like that for no reason,

[00:14:38] not even trying to help me or ask me if I need help or anything like that.

[00:14:42] They're just fucking dipped gone just like that.

[00:14:45] After everything I did for those people.

[00:14:48] That makes sense to me.

[00:14:51] Was it all worth it? No, definitely not.

[00:14:56] The music career, the film.

[00:14:58] No, I mean, I love music.

[00:14:59] I love performing. I love doing all that shit.

[00:15:01] But I never did that because I wanted to be famous, bro.

[00:15:03] I just did it because I love music

[00:15:05] and I couldn't control what came with it. You know?

[00:15:10] At the same time, I don't regret it.

[00:15:12] Like I loved my career. I loved what I love.

[00:15:14] I'm 38 years old.

[00:15:16] I've accomplished your young man more things in my life

[00:15:19] that people will ever do in five lifetimes.

[00:15:22] You know,

[00:15:25] I'm very content with.

[00:15:28] With my life right now,

[00:15:29] I'm just trying to fucking pick myself back up, to be honest.

[00:15:32] What does that look like?

[00:15:35] I'm doing like a lot of therapy and like, you know,

[00:15:39] talking to people is the hardest thing, especially if you don't understand.

[00:15:43] I'm mostly about like addiction and whatnot.

[00:15:44] Like I was depressed. I was devastated.

[00:15:47] I didn't want to do anything.

[00:15:49] All I cared about was was doing that shit. That's it.

[00:15:52] As you go through this journey, through therapy and all these things,

[00:15:55] what are you learning about addiction?

[00:15:58] The more you got to love yourself, bro.

[00:16:00] That's what that's what that's what it comes down to.

[00:16:04] Did you love yourself at all? Definitely not. Why?

[00:16:07] I just felt like I was

[00:16:10] I wasn't a good person.

[00:16:11] Not saying I wasn't a good person, but I felt like I wasn't.

[00:16:15] Worth it. Yeah.

[00:16:17] Like I was a waste of fucking space.

[00:16:21] That negative self-talk and. Yeah.

[00:16:23] Fuck you right up. Yeah.

[00:16:26] How do you

[00:16:28] knowing that, how do you come out of that?

[00:16:30] How do you counter that?

[00:16:31] Because that negative self-talk doesn't go away.

[00:16:34] No, it lives with you for a very long time.

[00:16:37] And I believe it doesn't ever go away.

[00:16:39] You know how you manage it.

[00:16:40] It's like my bro, I'm going to be a drug addict for the rest of my life.

[00:16:44] Just how it is, even though I'm not doing drugs,

[00:16:47] but I'll have that title attached to me forever.

[00:16:53] But to be honest, I just try to wake up and just be positive all the time.

[00:16:57] Know today is going to be a good day.

[00:16:58] You know, I'm going to do something for myself today.

[00:17:00] I'm going to fucking go for a walk or like.

[00:17:04] Affirmation, bro. Yeah.

[00:17:06] So it's about to be honest.

[00:17:08] And you learn a lot of that shit, bro.

[00:17:09] I go to like meetings and groups and like 12 steps and all that shit.

[00:17:12] And it's all about being positive and and doing something for yourself.

[00:17:18] You know, taking care of yourself, because I wasn't doing that

[00:17:21] for a very long time.

[00:17:23] So what can if if someone knows someone's struggling with that,

[00:17:27] you talked about how your friends essentially ditched you

[00:17:29] and in your moment of need.

[00:17:32] If. If I have a friend struggling with something like that,

[00:17:37] what could I do?

[00:17:38] How can I show up better for that friend?

[00:17:43] To be honest, I don't really think there's anything you do.

[00:17:45] Just know this just just that friend knowing that you're there

[00:17:48] if he needs something would be probably enough.

[00:17:51] They just so you feel like he doesn't he's not doing it alone.

[00:17:54] Like, so he's not by himself, you know, that's the worst feeling, bro.

[00:17:57] When you don't have anybody you can fucking go to. Right.

[00:18:00] Because I wonder, you know, when you care about someone.

[00:18:06] When they go through a moment in their lives

[00:18:08] where there's a serious amount of struggle,

[00:18:11] that person can become self-destructive.

[00:18:14] And as a person on the outside watching that happen,

[00:18:18] you care for the person, you feel for them, you want to support them,

[00:18:20] you want to be there for them.

[00:18:21] But at some point, that self-destructiveness

[00:18:25] can start to bleed into your own life and you have to protect your peace.

[00:18:31] Is it possible that some of the people in your circle

[00:18:33] were doing that to protect their peace?

[00:18:38] You never had a chance to have those conversations.

[00:18:40] Would you want to?

[00:18:41] I mean, I don't care anymore.

[00:18:43] Then if they if they were or if they care about me

[00:18:46] in any sort of way other than the things that I was doing for them,

[00:18:49] I don't think they would have did what they did

[00:18:51] or the way that they were.

[00:18:52] Yeah. Yeah.

[00:18:55] So now in your recovery process, you said you're not doing drugs currently

[00:19:00] and hopefully that lasts for a very, very long time for you.

[00:19:07] What is that?

[00:19:07] Walk us through what that process consistently looks like,

[00:19:11] because I think the thing that really stands out to me is that this isn't a,

[00:19:15] you know, if you went if you had a flu, you go to the doctor,

[00:19:18] you get some antibiotics, you feel better, then you go back to normalcy.

[00:19:22] You're living with this essentially day in and day out,

[00:19:25] every minute of every day for essentially the rest of your life. Yeah.

[00:19:29] Well, for the rest of your life.

[00:19:30] What is what does that process look like?

[00:19:37] I try to stay away from anything that's going to upset me

[00:19:42] because that's when I wouldn't use most is when I was like someone

[00:19:45] who hurt my feelings or I'd get upset or something like that.

[00:19:48] I would just use and just forget about it.

[00:19:51] So I try to.

[00:19:54] Find things that make me happy and just try to

[00:19:57] the end of the day, but I'm not considering lying

[00:19:59] and tell you I don't think about it every day because I do.

[00:20:02] But I also think about what it did, and that's kind of what

[00:20:07] gets me to the point where it's just like it's not worth it anymore.

[00:20:10] But fuck, well, like I said, I just try to stay positive.

[00:20:14] I wake up and today is a good day.

[00:20:17] You know, and the worst part is that when I was doing that,

[00:20:20] I didn't care about anything.

[00:20:22] So now that I'm not, everything is just like fucking

[00:20:26] like fastballs.

[00:20:28] Now you're feeling every single fucking thing.

[00:20:30] I had no feelings, but I had no emotions when I was doing that shit.

[00:20:32] Like you could look at me and talk to me.

[00:20:34] I wouldn't be listening to.

[00:20:37] So if I met you in that stage, what would I have seen?

[00:20:41] What would I? I mean, I wouldn't have been an asshole or anything like that.

[00:20:44] I'm still like it.

[00:20:45] At the end of the day, people I was doing it and people didn't even know

[00:20:47] I was doing it through your functional.

[00:20:49] Yeah, completely functional.

[00:20:51] Just like certain things I just wouldn't care about.

[00:20:56] How does someone.

[00:20:59] Avoid this trap, because you talked about how you went to the dentist,

[00:21:05] you got the veneers, you didn't even take the meds right away

[00:21:08] because you didn't feel you needed them.

[00:21:10] But then you said actually, I want to go there a moment.

[00:21:13] Then you said you decided you wanted to try them just to see.

[00:21:17] Yeah, was there something happening?

[00:21:19] Yeah, I was fucking OK, so I was the relationship,

[00:21:22] which just went terribly wrong.

[00:21:24] Things happened that I would never thought were going to happen.

[00:21:26] I was just sad I didn't know what to do.

[00:21:27] So and I'm not a big like weed guy.

[00:21:30] So I just said, you know what?

[00:21:31] Let me see what the fuck this will do.

[00:21:32] It took it, bro.

[00:21:33] And from that moment on, I said, I want to feel this way for the rest of my life.

[00:21:37] And I did for the next 10 years.

[00:21:39] That's fucked up.

[00:21:43] That's a long time. Yeah.

[00:21:45] Even doctors would be like, I don't know how you're alive.

[00:21:47] The amount of shit I was doing, the doctors are like,

[00:21:50] you're like a fucking superhero.

[00:21:52] Not something to be proud of, but sure.

[00:21:55] Does it give you a a newfound hope?

[00:21:58] That you can turn your life around.

[00:22:00] It sounds like you're doing it in anybody's life around, but you just got to want to.

[00:22:04] And you want to 100 percent.

[00:22:06] So what drives you now?

[00:22:09] What's your motivation to to not fall back into that?

[00:22:12] To be honest, I've been posting things on my Instagram

[00:22:14] and I've been getting like a lot of positive feedback about so many things

[00:22:17] like people, people telling like, sure, I'm not that I need fucking validation

[00:22:20] from anybody, but it makes me feel good to see that people still care.

[00:22:23] You know, even people that don't know me or whatever the case is, it's just like

[00:22:28] I'm worth something. You know?

[00:22:31] Do you believe you're worth?

[00:22:32] I definitely do.

[00:22:34] Because you talked about the self-talk, right?

[00:22:36] Yeah, I definitely know I'm worth something.

[00:22:37] External validation is good.

[00:22:40] It's nice. Everybody wants it.

[00:22:41] But if those comments turn sour,

[00:22:45] you know, I sincerely hope for you that that doesn't send you down.

[00:22:48] There's been some sourness, bro.

[00:22:50] Like I've learned to like just put that in the back of my head

[00:22:53] and forget about it.

[00:22:56] I got to ask you about something, because as part of my

[00:23:00] research into guests,

[00:23:04] you know, I try to find like what you've been up to the last little while.

[00:23:09] And I think just by the way, you're looking at me, you know where I am.

[00:23:12] I know exactly what you're going with this.

[00:23:13] But I feel obligated

[00:23:16] to hear in your words as opposed to what I just see online,

[00:23:19] because anybody who runs a search of Danny Fernandez,

[00:23:21] the first thing that pops up.

[00:23:22] Yeah. What happened there?

[00:23:25] The way I understood it was you were working

[00:23:30] with aspiring artists

[00:23:33] and there was some exchange of funds.

[00:23:35] And I understand that there's a legal process and, you know,

[00:23:38] there's some things that you can and can't speak about.

[00:23:40] And it's totally up to your comfort level here.

[00:23:42] So please feel free to stop me anytime.

[00:23:45] What happened there?

[00:23:47] So I'll tell you what happened.

[00:23:48] So I think it was three people.

[00:23:51] So the first guy who actually initiated all of that, his name was.

[00:23:57] Let's let's not.

[00:23:58] OK, so whatever.

[00:23:59] So this person.

[00:24:01] So I had done songs with this guy, had shot music videos with this guy.

[00:24:04] This guy has come on stage with me and performed the songs.

[00:24:07] He's opened up for me in different shows.

[00:24:09] So now what this man thought was that he was going to be a fucking superstar.

[00:24:12] Doesn't work like that, bro.

[00:24:13] So he's like, OK, well, I'm giving you all this money,

[00:24:15] but nothing's happening.

[00:24:17] How the fuck is that my fault?

[00:24:19] So clearly he wasn't happy with the outcome of whatever it is

[00:24:21] he thought he was going to get.

[00:24:24] Done. So he calls fucking whoever wrote that fucking shit.

[00:24:27] And then he got in touch with this person who I also did the same thing

[00:24:30] with, I didn't know I flew to fucking Vancouver.

[00:24:33] I shot a music video with this guy.

[00:24:34] I recorded the song in the studio.

[00:24:35] All these things cost money.

[00:24:37] You're coming to me because you want something for me.

[00:24:38] I don't need anything from you.

[00:24:40] So this is what it costs. Same thing.

[00:24:44] And then he got in touch with the other guy and just it was like

[00:24:46] a circle of fucking bullshit.

[00:24:48] And then the worst part is that they didn't even come to me.

[00:24:51] The people who wrote the article didn't ask me my point of view of everything.

[00:24:56] So obviously, they just want the fucking dirt.

[00:24:58] They don't care about all the good shit that I did

[00:24:59] because they didn't mention any of those things that I did.

[00:25:01] They didn't mention I did music videos with these people.

[00:25:03] They don't mention that he did shows with me.

[00:25:05] They don't mention that.

[00:25:06] What do they say? I took his money and take fucking shit, bro.

[00:25:10] You paid me for the work I did.

[00:25:12] I don't steal from people. I don't take shit from people.

[00:25:15] I did the work. You paid me whatever happened after that.

[00:25:17] That's on you. That's not on me.

[00:25:19] That's it. That's what happened.

[00:25:21] So in that article, because I did end up reading it,

[00:25:25] it talked about how you put out an apology, essentially saying

[00:25:31] because you were using drugs heavily at that time,

[00:25:35] you were just simply not yourself.

[00:25:39] Thoughts on that? Like, is that true?

[00:25:41] It's definitely not true. Who said that?

[00:25:42] It says I didn't even read it, bro. OK.

[00:25:44] I have no idea what the fuck it even says.

[00:25:46] It said again, I could be wrong.

[00:25:48] But the way I remember it was and I read it this morning,

[00:25:52] it said that it quoted you as basically saying,

[00:25:56] you know, you apologized for it and that you were using drugs,

[00:25:59] but you just weren't in the right state of mind.

[00:26:01] And that's what happens when you use drugs type of thing.

[00:26:04] And the reason I was asking about this was, again,

[00:26:06] because number one, if someone searches up

[00:26:07] what's Danny Fernandez been up to, that shit's there.

[00:26:10] That comes up.

[00:26:12] But also, I'm really trying to understand

[00:26:14] what happens to a person when they are in that phase

[00:26:19] of just using drugs all the time and how that can change a personality.

[00:26:24] I believe people also knew I was using drugs.

[00:26:27] Like I said, I didn't hide it from anybody,

[00:26:29] including the people that. Yeah. OK.

[00:26:34] But then they it's it's I have nothing to hide from people.

[00:26:38] And I never made any promises to any of those people,

[00:26:41] saying that I was going to make them fucking famous

[00:26:42] because it doesn't work like that. I can't do that.

[00:26:45] I don't think they understand the amount of work

[00:26:47] that goes into even having a start to your career. Right.

[00:26:51] Like they thought they were going to meet me.

[00:26:52] They were going to be fucking famous.

[00:26:53] Doesn't look like that.

[00:26:54] And I told them right from the beginning, don't.

[00:26:56] It's all good, bro.

[00:26:57] The other day, I can't control people say or do.

[00:26:59] I just can't control my shit. That's it.

[00:27:02] So how do you feel today?

[00:27:05] Knowing something like that pops up.

[00:27:09] I mean, you and I briefly talked, what am I going to do a year and a half ago?

[00:27:12] This is the first time we're sitting face to face.

[00:27:15] And we're having this conversation.

[00:27:18] Right. And it's not meant to to to poke at you.

[00:27:22] It's more so I'm trying to understand.

[00:27:24] Well, I was kind of I knew it was going to come anyway.

[00:27:25] So I'm trying to understand the the psychology of where you were.

[00:27:31] Because you talked about it.

[00:27:32] And this happened like five years ago, bro.

[00:27:34] It didn't happen like yesterday.

[00:27:36] That shit was like, fuck, like 2018, 2019.

[00:27:41] Is that the what would you

[00:27:44] at what point would you call the peak of?

[00:27:46] Well, I was bad, bro. I was real bad.

[00:27:51] How often were you using?

[00:27:52] Every day all day.

[00:27:56] So how do you?

[00:27:59] I'm still very curious.

[00:28:00] How do you come out of that?

[00:28:02] Is it just one day you wake up and know?

[00:28:03] No, no, no.

[00:28:06] So first you have to detox yourself, which is like five days of death.

[00:28:11] And I did that withdrawal that you're.

[00:28:12] Yeah, I did.

[00:28:13] I did that maybe like seven times myself.

[00:28:15] So worse feeling the world, though.

[00:28:16] And then every time I would do it, I'd be like, why the fuck do I get back into it?

[00:28:19] And then I would get back into it and back and forth back and forth

[00:28:21] until the last time. I'm like, I can't do this anymore.

[00:28:24] It's it's so fucking brutal, man.

[00:28:26] I can't even explain it to you.

[00:28:27] Try to help me understand what happens in those

[00:28:29] because there could be someone listening watching this for five days.

[00:28:32] So insomnia is out of this world.

[00:28:34] You're sweating, you're hot, you're cold, you're fucking

[00:28:38] shitting your brains out all day.

[00:28:41] Your legs are restless.

[00:28:43] You're nauseous.

[00:28:45] You're it's just you don't eat.

[00:28:47] You don't sleep.

[00:28:48] And like

[00:28:50] my mood is like, don't even talk, don't even look at me.

[00:28:53] That's how bad it is.

[00:28:54] It's just I don't even know how to explain the feeling to you.

[00:28:57] It's just bad. Yeah.

[00:28:59] Yeah. And that's if I when you say five days, that's

[00:29:02] it's a standard like, yeah, it's like four or five days, five days.

[00:29:05] And then you're not 100 percent.

[00:29:08] You're probably like 70 percent.

[00:29:10] But all that shit is out of your system.

[00:29:13] OK, and then what happens?

[00:29:15] Then what happens when you know whatever you let happen?

[00:29:18] OK, so from there, it's just a matter of.

[00:29:19] They're not into your life is starting all over again without drugs.

[00:29:26] What has to happen from here for you to believe

[00:29:30] you're winning this battle?

[00:29:32] I already feel like I'm winning. Good.

[00:29:35] I mean, I like to think that I'm winning.

[00:29:37] Is every day that I'm not doing drugs, I'm winning, bro.

[00:29:40] Hmm. That's how it is to me.

[00:29:41] Every day counts as a day.

[00:29:43] And does the the drugs piece also tie into alcohol or is it?

[00:29:46] No, I don't drink. You don't drink.

[00:29:48] OK. It's not like I was doing fucking needles and it was just like

[00:29:52] I was doing moxies, like pills.

[00:29:54] I wasn't like fucking jabbing needles into my arm or doing coke

[00:29:56] or anything like that. I was just like that was my thing.

[00:30:00] And this is something that was prescribed by a dentist.

[00:30:01] Mm hmm. Percocets like painkillers. Right.

[00:30:05] And can anyone just pick these up?

[00:30:07] No. So how are they be prescribed to you?

[00:30:09] So how are you getting them? I was buying them off the street.

[00:30:12] Which you also have to be careful about because they could be laced

[00:30:15] with like more fake shit. Yeah.

[00:30:18] So what would you say then to someone currently

[00:30:22] struggling with addiction right now?

[00:30:27] Hearing this, listening to this, they happen across this.

[00:30:31] Whatever fate or circumstances,

[00:30:34] whatever fate or circumstances,

[00:30:37] they find themselves listening to you speak.

[00:30:39] Honestly, I would say don't be afraid to ask for help.

[00:30:44] But first of all, no one wants to go to somebody like, hey,

[00:30:47] I'm a fucking I'm a drug addict.

[00:30:49] No one's going to say that to anybody.

[00:30:50] You know what I mean?

[00:30:50] Like it's not like you have any conversation with somebody

[00:30:52] all of a sudden stop and tell you something

[00:30:54] and you're not going to say that somebody.

[00:30:56] But I feel like, well,

[00:30:59] if you're able to one, be open about it and talk to somebody about it,

[00:31:02] then that's a start.

[00:31:04] Because if you're most of the people that are doing drugs are in denial,

[00:31:07] they don't think they have a problem.

[00:31:08] And I was like that for a very long time.

[00:31:11] But I feel like that's that's that's the beginning of it,

[00:31:15] because then maybe that person can help you some way possible

[00:31:18] or find somebody to help you or if you don't ask for help,

[00:31:21] you're never going to get it.

[00:31:23] And that's the problem.

[00:31:24] We're ashamed to ask for help.

[00:31:28] It's a hard thing to ask for help for.

[00:31:29] Yeah, because not a lot of people will know how to help you.

[00:31:33] I mean, again, I'm that's why I asked.

[00:31:36] I'm like, what can someone who knows someone struggling with something

[00:31:38] like this even do? Like I wouldn't even know if you said some.

[00:31:42] I need some help.

[00:31:42] I wouldn't even know where to point you to say maybe go and seek

[00:31:46] professional help somewhere.

[00:31:47] That's the only answer to that question.

[00:31:52] So what happens from here?

[00:31:54] Like what? What's the path forward?

[00:31:57] How do you do you feel like you're living a normal life?

[00:32:01] Normal? Yeah, I guess.

[00:32:04] Yeah, I guess so. What's normal?

[00:32:07] Fair. What is normal these days?

[00:32:09] I don't know. But I feel like I'm doing all right right now.

[00:32:12] What would you say to your fans when you talked about how,

[00:32:18] you know, when you post something on on social media, you know, you see the.

[00:32:22] I mean, the fans who are still with me to this day,

[00:32:25] they know that I'm a human being and that I make mistakes and that I'm fucking

[00:32:30] I'm just a regular person.

[00:32:32] You know what I mean? And they don't.

[00:32:34] I mean, at the end of the day, I'm not doing anything that's affecting them

[00:32:38] realistically.

[00:32:40] So anybody who is still here and who's still rocking with me,

[00:32:45] then they understand in their and their fans, you know,

[00:32:48] so and I appreciate that.

[00:32:50] What about the ones that saw the

[00:32:54] the downfall and said,

[00:32:56] I can't support this anymore?

[00:32:58] And that's on them.

[00:32:58] Oh, I can't say anything about that.

[00:33:01] That's not what you want to say. That's their choices.

[00:33:04] Like I said, I have never done anything to those people for them

[00:33:07] to even say that way, you know, but even look at Bieber, well,

[00:33:13] he still has fans.

[00:33:15] That kid has done some done some fucked up shit, but like he's he's

[00:33:19] he's had his challenge. Yeah.

[00:33:20] You know, I mean, everyone has challenges, but just because I'm

[00:33:22] I'm in a spotlight and they see something bad happening,

[00:33:26] they can't judge me on that because they don't know what really happened.

[00:33:30] You know, all they know is what they hear or what they see.

[00:33:36] You talked about your kids a little earlier.

[00:33:38] Can we can we have a conversation about that?

[00:33:44] I'm not going to necessarily pry into

[00:33:47] to why the kids aren't in your life anymore,

[00:33:50] but I'm curious about your perspective on fatherhood in general.

[00:33:56] How old are your kids, if I may ask?

[00:33:58] Seven and four.

[00:34:01] And what was the last time you saw them?

[00:34:03] Last year.

[00:34:05] It's a long time.

[00:34:07] I went two years without seeing them.

[00:34:10] They've been gone for like three years now.

[00:34:12] August this year will be three years.

[00:34:15] And what have you learned from that entire process

[00:34:20] just not being able to see them?

[00:34:22] I feel like, to be honest, my kids made me a better person, bro.

[00:34:25] Like those were my they were my fucking my life.

[00:34:28] You know, I lived for them.

[00:34:30] Nothing else mattered except for those kids.

[00:34:33] And then when they were gone, I was a disaster.

[00:34:36] I didn't know what to do

[00:34:37] because I didn't know that they left.

[00:34:39] Like they were just gone.

[00:34:44] And like even that, I feel like.

[00:34:49] I don't want to speak about her because she's a great mother,

[00:34:51] but I feel like she knew that that was going to make me worse.

[00:34:55] By doing something like that was going to make matters worse

[00:35:00] in my part, in my end, like drug wise.

[00:35:04] Were you were you using it?

[00:35:07] So then it makes me question again.

[00:35:09] But I wasn't using in front of my kids.

[00:35:10] I wasn't bringing drugs into my home.

[00:35:12] I was like doing it.

[00:35:13] If I went to my car and then came back inside,

[00:35:16] I didn't bring anything into the house to like, you know.

[00:35:19] So it makes me quite.

[00:35:20] And it didn't.

[00:35:21] At the end of the day, I want you to understand something.

[00:35:22] When I say I was using drugs, just because I say that

[00:35:25] doesn't mean I was fucking acting like an idiot or it was just making me normal.

[00:35:29] I see. Or what my version I thought normal was like I wasn't

[00:35:34] being stupid or anything like I was just normal

[00:35:37] because I didn't want to get sick.

[00:35:39] So I was just using the drugs just to be able to function in my day.

[00:35:42] Like it wasn't making me act dumb or do anything fucking stupid.

[00:35:45] It was just like, I just needed it so I can live.

[00:35:48] Because that high point was gone a long time ago.

[00:35:51] Now I was just doing it so I can maintain my life.

[00:35:54] So at the end of the day, it's not like I was fucking acting

[00:35:56] like a retard or excuse my language, I shouldn't say retard, but

[00:35:59] like acting dumb or doing anything inappropriate.

[00:36:03] So if I was a fly on the wall

[00:36:07] watching these interactions happen, I would have just seen a normal.

[00:36:10] Yeah. A great fucking dad.

[00:36:14] I did everything for those kids.

[00:36:15] My oldest daughter was like my sidekick, bro.

[00:36:18] I did everything with her dance, swimming, soccer, fucking gymnastics.

[00:36:23] She was like a little model.

[00:36:24] So I did auditions with her commercials like that kid was with me everywhere.

[00:36:30] You know.

[00:36:32] And all of a sudden just boom gone, broke me.

[00:36:35] Do you feel.

[00:36:38] Where you're at today in your life, in your recovery.

[00:36:43] That you could be the father you want to 100 percent.

[00:36:46] Million percent.

[00:36:49] What kind of father?

[00:36:50] What what does

[00:36:52] what does Daniel look like as a father?

[00:36:56] Those kids were like I said, they were my life.

[00:36:58] I woke up in the morning, I took my daughter to school,

[00:37:00] picked her up from school, made her lunches to go to school.

[00:37:03] I did. So the mom worked.

[00:37:06] So from 7 a.m. to like 7, 8 p.m.

[00:37:08] she'd work and those kids would be mine all day.

[00:37:13] Imagine spending that much time with your kids

[00:37:15] and then one day waking up and they're not there anymore.

[00:37:18] That's fucked up.

[00:37:20] When I say I did literally everything with those kids,

[00:37:22] I did everything with those kids, bro.

[00:37:23] I went I had set up a pool in our front yard or like just shit to like,

[00:37:27] you know, take my daughter on bike rides or fucking like anything.

[00:37:31] I was a dad.

[00:37:32] I did things that I had to do.

[00:37:35] You know.

[00:37:36] And if you could say something to them right now,

[00:37:45] what would you want them to do?

[00:37:46] The thing is that they don't know like about my addiction or anything like that.

[00:37:50] They're too young, but I just don't want them to think that I don't want them,

[00:37:54] you know, because that's not the case.

[00:37:56] Like, I wish every day that I had them.

[00:38:01] So, yeah, I still talk to them.

[00:38:05] But it's not the same.

[00:38:06] They're young, you know, on FaceTime and they're fucking distracted

[00:38:09] in two seconds and then the phone call ends, you know?

[00:38:13] Yeah.

[00:38:17] When you talk about

[00:38:21] being a rising artist,

[00:38:24] the fame generally comes with money.

[00:38:26] Money comes the ability to buy things you've never had,

[00:38:30] experience things you never thought you would.

[00:38:34] And I'm not I'm not trying to stereotype,

[00:38:38] but any time I've read stories or heard stories about artists,

[00:38:42] creatives who've come into money and then find themselves

[00:38:46] struggling with an addiction, they generally spend frivolously

[00:38:52] on that addiction.

[00:38:55] Has that been something that you've also had to deal with over the years?

[00:38:59] Spending a lot of money on drugs.

[00:39:00] Yeah.

[00:39:00] 100 percent.

[00:39:02] Probably a couple million actually.

[00:39:04] Wow.

[00:39:04] Yeah. Makes me sick in my stomach.

[00:39:09] Wow.

[00:39:09] Yeah, they're not cheap, bro.

[00:39:11] No, they're not.

[00:39:13] And like throughout my my addiction, at least a couple of million easy.

[00:39:24] That's a lot of money.

[00:39:25] Yeah, it hurts me to say that.

[00:39:28] I mean, thank you for sharing that, but that's a lot of money.

[00:39:31] Well, these days, too many dollars can't get you anything.

[00:39:34] Maybe not in Toronto.

[00:39:35] Yeah.

[00:39:41] You know, I'm fascinated by this.

[00:39:43] I'm curious.

[00:39:45] Maybe fascinated is not the right word.

[00:39:48] I'm curious.

[00:39:51] There's such complexity here and I can, you know,

[00:39:58] I get the sense that you're you're trying.

[00:40:02] Trying like, like trying, just trying to be better or do better every day.

[00:40:08] And I can't imagine what that's like.

[00:40:11] Sometimes it's OK.

[00:40:12] Sometimes it's not because every time I feel like I'm doing better

[00:40:15] than something happens and it's just like bringing back to like, what the fuck?

[00:40:19] You know, the temptation is always there.

[00:40:21] Yeah, there's always be there.

[00:40:24] But like I said, I have the injection in my stomach, so I can't do it.

[00:40:27] Doesn't allow me to do it.

[00:40:29] Like it blocks it.

[00:40:29] Like, so if I were to do it, nothing would happen.

[00:40:32] What do you mean by injection?

[00:40:33] So I have that. Remember, we were speaking about the injection.

[00:40:35] Oh, the one for money. Yeah. OK.

[00:40:37] So I have it.

[00:40:37] So I can't it doesn't really allow me to do anything.

[00:40:40] They could completely blocks it.

[00:40:42] So if with that and OK, so with that injection,

[00:40:46] if you were to take a pill, nothing would happen.

[00:40:48] Interesting. OK.

[00:40:49] So it'd be a waste of time and money.

[00:40:54] How easily accessible is this?

[00:40:57] So someone who may not necessarily have the resources.

[00:41:00] What we would have to do is you'd have to go on the suboxone first

[00:41:02] for like a week, like the pill form.

[00:41:05] Well, you have to go to like an addictions doctor

[00:41:08] and then you'd see them.

[00:41:09] They give you the suboxone.

[00:41:11] But the problem is the suboxone, you can take the suboxone,

[00:41:13] but you can still use after.

[00:41:16] So I feel like they should just do the injection like right away instead.

[00:41:19] But you can't because you need to have that chemical in your body

[00:41:21] in order to get the injection.

[00:41:24] What I want to do, to be honest, is I want to open some sort of clinic

[00:41:28] where they give that for free

[00:41:30] to people who are serious and people who want to quit using drugs.

[00:41:35] Like that's my goal right now is to be able to help people

[00:41:38] going through what I went through

[00:41:40] and not have to pay for it.

[00:41:43] That's just expensive.

[00:41:44] So a thousand bucks.

[00:41:47] So it's not covered by all hip, it's not covered by anything.

[00:41:49] You just got to pay a thousand dollars.

[00:41:51] And for those who don't know what O-HIP is,

[00:41:53] it's basically our health care system. Yeah.

[00:41:59] I can't imagine there's a lot of people that can afford that.

[00:42:02] Well, there probably isn't.

[00:42:05] Even like insurance companies, only they don't cover the whole thing.

[00:42:07] They probably cover like 80 percent of it.

[00:42:08] So you still have to pay like two hundred bucks.

[00:42:10] Which for some people, especially today is still a lot.

[00:42:14] That extra $200 on top of everything else

[00:42:17] that's rising in prices and all those things.

[00:42:19] Crazy, bro.

[00:42:20] Can make or break a person's finances.

[00:42:22] Yeah.

[00:42:24] How far away are you from doing something like that?

[00:42:27] It's an honorable thing to try and help people.

[00:42:28] I'd say probably by end of the year.

[00:42:30] I'm already in talks with some people.

[00:42:34] I can't do it by myself, that's for sure.

[00:42:35] No, something like that, I imagine, takes a village to put together.

[00:42:40] I have to find like a clinic

[00:42:42] because there's not a lot of clinics who issue that.

[00:42:45] So even the clinic that does it with me.

[00:42:46] The injection itself. Yeah.

[00:42:48] And there's not a lot of addiction doctors out there who think.

[00:42:50] So I've been talking to my doctor about it and the clinic where I do it.

[00:42:55] And I'm trying to find a place that we could just focus on that,

[00:42:59] you know, getting people better every time you walk in

[00:43:02] every month to get this injection.

[00:43:04] What's going through your mind?

[00:43:06] Another month.

[00:43:08] I'm winning.

[00:43:12] Gets tiring. Oh, yeah.

[00:43:13] But at the end of the day, if I want to stop the injection,

[00:43:16] I can stop it because I won't get sick now.

[00:43:18] Like, I'll never feel that sick feeling again.

[00:43:21] The withdrawal.

[00:43:24] But if you don't.

[00:43:25] Because the injection, it's yeah, it's you're supposed to get it

[00:43:27] every 28 days, but it lasts longer and it slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly

[00:43:31] goes away so that you don't get the withdrawal feeling, which is good.

[00:43:35] But I feel like if I were to stop right now, I wouldn't be ready to stop.

[00:43:39] Like, I'll just keep going until I feel like I'm good.

[00:43:41] Right.

[00:43:43] How many more do you think you need?

[00:43:45] Just until you feel just I'm not feeling like I'm ready to be without it.

[00:43:50] What about the music career?

[00:43:52] See what happens. I'm going to put some stuff out.

[00:43:54] So it's something that you're hoping at the same time, if nothing

[00:43:57] happens, I'm not going to be upset about it.

[00:43:59] I had I did my thing, but I was good.

[00:44:01] I did what I had to do.

[00:44:02] I was happy about what happened.

[00:44:04] Nothing comes out of it.

[00:44:05] Nothing. At least I tried.

[00:44:09] And in terms of the when you talked about the circle of friends

[00:44:13] that you had or the ones that you thought were your circle of friends,

[00:44:17] what is your circle of friends today?

[00:44:22] It was like two people.

[00:44:24] Small circle is better, way better.

[00:44:30] And why?

[00:44:32] What have you what have you learned from that experience

[00:44:36] that allows you to pick better friends today?

[00:44:38] These friends are still the friends that I had when I was doing all that.

[00:44:41] My whole career. They're the only ones that stood by.

[00:44:43] I had all the other ones that it was like five people I had that were close to me

[00:44:46] and three of them left and two of them stayed.

[00:44:50] What do you want those two to know?

[00:44:52] All right, I love them.

[00:44:53] They're like my brothers.

[00:44:56] I'd do anything for those guys.

[00:44:58] Sure enough, I would. I'd kill for them.

[00:45:00] Well, let's hope I'm not.

[00:45:02] I know I'm just saying.

[00:45:05] So I'm really trying to, I guess, piece together

[00:45:11] the process of falling into the circle of friends.

[00:45:19] The process of falling into this.

[00:45:22] And I know we've taught and we've touched on it.

[00:45:23] You'll never understand, bro.

[00:45:25] And maybe that maybe that's the case.

[00:45:28] And I'm trying to understand it better so that I can.

[00:45:30] I wish I could understand you better.

[00:45:32] Yeah, no, you'll never understand it.

[00:45:34] People will die trying.

[00:45:38] So what are the signs then of someone who's struggling with addiction?

[00:45:45] Because if you said to me.

[00:45:48] If I saw you in 2019, everyone's different.

[00:45:51] I mean, like if I was using drugs, I'd be I'd be nodding off right now.

[00:45:54] I'm falling asleep right here.

[00:45:55] OK, that's one sign.

[00:46:01] I know for the drug I was using, that's the sign.

[00:46:04] But like other drugs, I don't know because I don't.

[00:46:08] I mean, someone doing coke

[00:46:09] would be bouncing off these walls right now, that's for sure.

[00:46:12] Or like that kind of shit.

[00:46:15] Yeah, well, I sniffle a lot, too, but I don't know, bro.

[00:46:21] And I guess I'm just trying to better understand how we can help.

[00:46:24] Even when you're not a professional like myself, I'm not.

[00:46:30] But neither am I.

[00:46:31] I want to be able to just know what it was like because I've been through it.

[00:46:33] That's it. Right.

[00:46:35] What I would like to be able to do or I'm sure someone listening to this

[00:46:39] might know someone or have a family member struggling with addiction in some way.

[00:46:43] I'm sure somebody would want to know, OK, so what could I do?

[00:46:45] How can I how can I nudge you in the right direction?

[00:46:48] Who can I call?

[00:46:49] There's a thing where you can't force them to do anything

[00:46:53] because you're not going to help them like that.

[00:46:55] So if someone comes, that's why I want to see these videos on Instagram

[00:46:57] of people saying, oh, you need to go to rehab.

[00:46:59] I'm going to put you in a room.

[00:47:01] Don't do that shit. They don't like that shit.

[00:47:03] What you're doing is you're putting them in a situation

[00:47:06] where they feel forced to do that.

[00:47:07] And if they do end up doing that, they're not going to want to be there.

[00:47:10] So whatever you think that they're going to learn,

[00:47:12] they're not going to learn because all they're going to think about

[00:47:14] is fucking doing drugs.

[00:47:14] I can promise you that because that was me.

[00:47:16] I was forced like five times to go into the fucking rehab.

[00:47:18] And I'm just like, I don't want to be here.

[00:47:20] And I can't wait to fucking get out of here.

[00:47:24] Like, you can't do that to a fucking addict.

[00:47:26] That's the worst thing you can do to an addict.

[00:47:28] Just try to force them to do something.

[00:47:29] But then it sounds like the alternative is just to let them be.

[00:47:32] Yeah, and let them figure it out themselves.

[00:47:34] If they want help, if they want help, they'll come to you and ask for it.

[00:47:37] That's what I feel.

[00:47:39] But in that moment, when you were at your at your lowest point,

[00:47:42] you were doing drugs, the most you were.

[00:47:46] Were you even in the state of mind to ask for help?

[00:47:48] No, I didn't want it.

[00:47:50] So if someone was there watching that happen,

[00:47:53] how could they have helped you? Right.

[00:47:55] Like it sounds like the alternative.

[00:47:57] And I'm not saying there's a right or wrong answer.

[00:47:58] That's part of the complexity of this whole thing is

[00:48:01] they could be sitting there thinking to themselves, OK,

[00:48:03] if I can't offer you help because I have to wait for you to come to me,

[00:48:08] but I'm watching you self destruct and blow up your life,

[00:48:12] then what am I going to do or what do I do?

[00:48:14] I care about you. I care about your well-being.

[00:48:16] I care about your family.

[00:48:17] Just have a conversation with them

[00:48:19] and say, just listen, when you're ready for help, just come ask me.

[00:48:21] So it's just letting them know you're there.

[00:48:23] You're there if they need something, you're there.

[00:48:29] And how do you?

[00:48:33] This is a this is a tough one here.

[00:48:38] And this is actually from experience now.

[00:48:42] Someone who is an addict.

[00:48:45] Is self destructing.

[00:48:50] You're offering to help them.

[00:48:53] They don't want to help because they don't think anything is wrong.

[00:48:56] Yeah, denial.

[00:48:58] But their self destruction is bordering on self harm.

[00:49:03] On themselves? Yeah.

[00:49:06] What do you do?

[00:49:08] And I'm not saying that you're going to know the answer or have the right answer,

[00:49:10] but I fucking I have no idea.

[00:49:12] We never been in that specialization before.

[00:49:14] I call somebody.

[00:49:16] If you see that these people,

[00:49:17] you think they're actually going to hurt themselves, call like cops or something

[00:49:20] and say, listen, these people are out of control.

[00:49:23] That could be another good thing is putting having someone get put in jail

[00:49:26] because there's no drugs in jail.

[00:49:28] Forced detox. Yeah, exactly.

[00:49:31] I mean, you know, I don't want anybody to go to jail, but that's

[00:49:33] not sure sometimes that's the best fucking scenario.

[00:49:37] You know, I guess all is to say there's just not enough.

[00:49:42] And maybe I just don't know.

[00:49:43] Not enough awareness.

[00:49:44] There's not enough attention brought into it because people just brush it off.

[00:49:47] Like it's nothing.

[00:49:48] But people dying every day, bro.

[00:49:50] Well, the point you made earlier about how you, you know,

[00:49:53] you'll tell someone, hey, you know, that person is currently

[00:49:56] dealing with cancer, for example. Yeah.

[00:49:58] And you feel bad. Yeah.

[00:50:00] But if you say that person's an addict, you go stay away from me.

[00:50:03] Yeah, exactly.

[00:50:04] It's almost like it's contagious.

[00:50:05] Yeah. It's like don't go near that fucking person.

[00:50:08] That's what they teach you.

[00:50:10] So how do you change the narrative on that?

[00:50:12] I wish I could tell you. I have no idea.

[00:50:14] Well, what would you need to happen for people to to understand you better

[00:50:18] so that they're not judging you? To be honest, bro, I

[00:50:22] there's a show on Disney Plus is called Dope Sick.

[00:50:24] Michael Keaton's in it.

[00:50:25] OK, well, it's it's my life in a fucking series.

[00:50:31] He's a doctor.

[00:50:32] OK, and it's about Purdue Pharma, the people who originated OxyContin.

[00:50:36] OK, so he's prescribing all these people this drug

[00:50:41] that Purdue Pharma is saying that is only one percent addictive, which like

[00:50:46] so and everyone's getting addicted and all these people are dying.

[00:50:49] And then he gets into a car accident.

[00:50:50] Michael Keaton. And then he gets prescribed it and he turns into an addict.

[00:50:55] But if you have time, watch that shit.

[00:50:57] Well, it'll change your whole perspective on.

[00:51:00] Attics in general, and it shows you what they go through from detoxing,

[00:51:05] from fucking everything. It's crazy, bro.

[00:51:08] It's such a good show.

[00:51:09] What's it called? Dope Sick.

[00:51:11] Dope. That's the term when when you're going through a withdrawal,

[00:51:13] people call it's dope sick.

[00:51:15] Interesting. Yeah.

[00:51:16] And there's one on Netflix called Painkiller.

[00:51:18] It's the same idea. The same.

[00:51:19] The painkiller one, I think I've seen the one with Chris Evans.

[00:51:22] No, no, no. Or you're talking about.

[00:51:24] I know which one you're talking about where he's selling the.

[00:51:26] Yeah. No, it's not the same thing.

[00:51:27] OK. Painkiller is the same story behind the dope sick one.

[00:51:30] I feel like dope sick is better than painkiller.

[00:51:32] But it's the same idea, same story.

[00:51:34] But painkiller doesn't show

[00:51:37] as much intensity as the dope sick one does.

[00:51:43] I got to, you know, I guess

[00:51:46] the thing I want to know about is what's next for Danny

[00:51:49] and what's next for Daniel.

[00:51:51] Do you still struggle with that?

[00:51:52] The two identities?

[00:51:53] Not so much.

[00:51:55] Do you do go by Daniel?

[00:51:56] Daniel is my name.

[00:51:58] But do you like I go by Daniel yourself?

[00:52:00] Yeah, Daniel.

[00:52:02] To be honest, I'm just going to focus on myself,

[00:52:04] try to get back to where I was at, you know,

[00:52:07] with or without music, to be honest.

[00:52:08] I just want to be happy, though.

[00:52:10] I'm on the road to happiness.

[00:52:12] If you can describe.

[00:52:17] A happy life for Daniel.

[00:52:20] What would that look like?

[00:52:23] To be honest, just being a family and having my kids back.

[00:52:28] Doing that stuff.

[00:52:30] I've always wanted to be a dad my whole life.

[00:52:32] You know, I'm a pretty simple guy, but I don't ask for much.

[00:52:36] Man, I'm not really.

[00:52:38] I'm not an asker.

[00:52:40] I'm very easygoing, I'm very chill.

[00:52:42] I just want to be happy.

[00:52:47] Well, Daniel, thank you

[00:52:49] for sharing your story with me, man.

[00:52:50] No problem.

[00:52:52] I appreciate the honesty.

[00:52:53] I can't imagine that this is a very easy conversation to have.

[00:52:56] I mean, you and I just met the first time

[00:52:59] like 40 minutes ago, 45 minutes ago.

[00:53:04] But this is an important conversation.

[00:53:06] 100 percent.

[00:53:07] It's not a conversation that needs to happen more.

[00:53:10] Absolutely. I agree.

[00:53:11] I think there's a lot of people who struggle with addiction in various forms.

[00:53:15] Right. And some of it is drugs.

[00:53:17] Others is other forms of alcohol.

[00:53:20] Video games, social media, sex, porn.

[00:53:24] There's all sorts of addiction out there that I think

[00:53:28] are still stigmatized and more needs to be done.

[00:53:32] More conversations at least need to be had to destigmatize those things.

[00:53:35] So, I mean, like when you say that

[00:53:36] there's a show on Disney Plus about something like this, I go,

[00:53:39] that's actually a really good thing.

[00:53:40] It's a good step in the right direction that they're they're showcasing.

[00:53:45] Like this is what happens in real life.

[00:53:47] Here's a visual to show you what it looks like.

[00:53:49] We're not just describing it, right?

[00:53:51] You could see it with your own eyes.

[00:53:56] One final question.

[00:54:00] If you could.

[00:54:03] If you could say one thing.

[00:54:07] Or rather, what's one thing you say to yourself daily?

[00:54:12] You talked about how this is a daily.

[00:54:13] I just I like to tell myself it's going to be OK.

[00:54:16] So it's going to be OK.

[00:54:21] You're going to be all right.

[00:54:22] I know. Daniel, thank you so much.

[00:54:25] Thank you. I appreciate your time.

[00:54:27] I wish you the honestly, I wish you the best of luck in this

[00:54:30] in this journey of yours.

[00:54:33] I sincerely hope you're able to open up that clinic.

[00:54:36] I mean, too.

[00:54:38] And who knows, maybe if you're able to open up that clinic,

[00:54:43] you know, you can help a ton of other people as well.

[00:54:46] I'm trying to do amazing.

[00:54:49] Daniel, thank you so much. Thank you.

[00:54:50] Thank you, everybody.