Dealing w/ Karmic Hangover, Identity Crisis & Understanding Ego: Sid Sriram | Ep 92 - Gent's Talk

[00:00:00] in parallel, there was always a deep yearning to be famous. I knew I was good at what

[00:00:04] I did and I was like, I need everyone to know that I'm this good. And it happened,

[00:00:12] you know, I became a celebrity and I had my wrestling with that relationship with celebrity

[00:00:21] and the ego and it really kind of like, you know, for a point there took control of me

[00:00:27] and I had to wrestle it back down and understand.

[00:00:30] Yeah, so check it out your work and the reception from your fans talking about how impactful

[00:00:59] and moving your music is and the energy and the vibe in your performances. I was like, okay,

[00:01:06] that's interesting because I've seen comments around artists were like, yeah, that was such a dope

[00:01:11] party and then they go home and they're like, yeah, that was a great party. But when you go to

[00:01:15] something and you're moved by it, that's a whole different feeling. Yeah, is that something

[00:01:19] you strive for every time or just something that sort of naturally happened?

[00:01:23] I think a little bit of both. I think my goal at first when I was younger was subconscious

[00:01:30] and it's become a lot more of like a conscious thing as I've gotten older has been to molecularly

[00:01:36] like change the way people feel and move after they've listened to my music or have they come to

[00:01:41] this come to a show and for the better, you know, and to be able to really shake something within

[00:01:48] someone's soul. And I think where it starts is for me music is just like a deeply cathartic

[00:01:56] mechanism, it's something that allows me to heal and express and yeah, I just learned early on

[00:02:03] for some reason, like for me there's been like a car mic hangover I call it so there's been a certain

[00:02:08] pain not just pain but an angst and something within myself from as far back as I can remember and

[00:02:17] I've had music as my way of examining that trying to figure out what it is and also just putting

[00:02:24] it externalizing it, you know. And I think the byproduct of that in terms of when I share this

[00:02:31] music or I share a message or something is it has a similar impact on the people that are receiving

[00:02:39] it. And so it's definitely now a very conscious like this is what I believe my purpose is with

[00:02:45] their guards to music in my life. But it started off as very much like an internal exercise and

[00:02:54] just figuring myself out and that has triggered the path for sure. When you talk about

[00:03:03] it coming from a place of pain and angst that for us far back as you can remember,

[00:03:08] have you figured out where that comes from or what spawned all of that that you still use that as your core

[00:03:18] or your your raison d'être type of thing? I think

[00:03:27] one major thing which is not on the deepest level but still deep but like the outer layer of it is

[00:03:33] the identity crisis which come which for me came with being an Indian man or kid growing up in

[00:03:40] the States. You know I was born in India and we moved to California when I was a year old.

[00:03:48] And so much of my confusion and chaos came from not really understanding my position in western

[00:03:57] society all the way. Obviously having the things that I held on to in western society but then also

[00:04:04] feeling deeply, deeply rooted to my Indian culture there was just a bit of a it always felt like you

[00:04:11] know like when you're on a train and this has actually never happened but the idea of like a train

[00:04:17] almost tipping over but not quite doing just like being on the is teetering on the day. That's what so

[00:04:22] much of going up felt like. So I think that is the first trigger point that has but then beyond

[00:04:34] just that I think like I said I use the phrase karma can go over. I'm Hindu and I believe in reincarnation

[00:04:41] and I do believe that my soul has existed in different forms before and I feel like some of it

[00:04:48] is just you know hold over from the past. And I think that's like the deepest kind of source point

[00:04:57] for the angst or the questions and I said pain and angst but I think what I've clarified it as

[00:05:03] over the last maybe like 10 years is there's just a lot of deep questions unanswered questions within

[00:05:11] myself you know. Existentially mostly of again what is my position in the universe why am I here

[00:05:20] what is the significance of what I'm doing and what my purpose is you know and also I think

[00:05:24] the biggest question is how do I what is the source of all this and how what's the universal

[00:05:31] kind of truth that exists within everyone that binds me to the rest of the universe, the rest of

[00:05:38] the people that I either do or do not come in contact with but you know like I am of the belief that

[00:05:44] there's like a collective energy that we're all a part of. So I think the biggest question is

[00:05:49] what is that source point, what is that universal truth and how do I get there? I think the angst

[00:05:54] and the pain when I was younger maybe and I'm figuring this out as I'm talking to you.

[00:05:58] Great. Is I think a lot of that came from you know not even knowing what the question was

[00:06:04] knowing that there's something there's a yearning within myself but not knowing what that yearning

[00:06:10] was for. A level of self-awareness. Yeah and you know being self-aware is a beautiful thing especially

[00:06:17] once you're able to start expressing it and putting it down into some sort of in my case sonic format

[00:06:23] but self-awareness can also be a very it can be a deep rabbit hole when you don't necessarily have

[00:06:32] the means or the mechanisms to channel you know and I think that's what it was for me as a kid but

[00:06:37] my mom started to me off with cardatic music which is South Indian classical music when I was three

[00:06:43] and it's a deeply spiritual form and I was a regular kid you know running around not really having

[00:06:49] the patience to sit down in lessons and whatnot but there would be these moments and I think I

[00:06:55] spoke about it while on stage last night but I would come back home from school after having a

[00:07:00] day that just felt like it was especially hard or again confusing or whatnot and I would practice

[00:07:08] and there'd be these moments of just like transient transcendence right I feel like I was hovering

[00:07:14] above the ground for a moment what's that like man's the best feeling in the world it's the

[00:07:22] it's the thing that always made me believe that in the existence of God and also the existence of

[00:07:28] this universal truth you know like somehow I knew that the fact that those moments occurred for me

[00:07:33] that's signaled that there's something far beyond myself or any human being that was a warmth you

[00:07:41] know like uh

[00:07:45] like those moments felt like trust falls and I was being held and at first when I was much younger it

[00:07:52] was such a mysterious feeling and I got addicted to it in in a beautiful way um but it would always

[00:07:58] be transient it would come and go and then randomly some other time it would happen again and I

[00:08:04] really strong those moments together um yet to have like this deep this deep reason to keep pushing

[00:08:13] forward you know um outside of the regular you know desires of a kid or a teenager or a young adult

[00:08:22] or whatever these moments really allowed me just uh it's like Nord stars I was like all right just

[00:08:29] keep finding those yeah yeah they all kind of were strung together to form a compass path

[00:08:35] yeah 100% do you feel like you still have an illuminated path in front of you

[00:08:42] yeah I think even more so now than ever more uh those moments I used to be transient before I've

[00:08:48] really kind of put in the work with my craft over the last decade and a half to

[00:08:57] figure out a way to extend them beyond just transient moments now it feels like I can have a whole show

[00:09:04] or a whole practice session or something where I'm in that state and again it doesn't happen every time

[00:09:10] but I figured out ways to um

[00:09:13] um

[00:09:15] intentionally and consciously like be able to I've found my tool set you know to be able to tap into

[00:09:21] that and with that being in that state for longer than just like this uh

[00:09:30] it has opened my certain portals up in terms of like what the possibilities are of what I can do

[00:09:36] when I do these shows I look out and there's always folks where you can just see them in the same

[00:09:44] kind of transfixed state that I'm in and when that happens like oh this is

[00:09:50] this is beyond just something that makes me feel good this can have a profound impact on

[00:09:55] under individuals and I think that's what the biggest illumination of the path has been is the

[00:10:00] fact that uh you know we always talk about I don't know if everyone does but for me it's something

[00:10:06] I've always thought about the abstract idea of being selfless and uh really

[00:10:13] not getting rid of the ego but being able to use the ego consciously instead of it using you

[00:10:19] and that has always been a concept that was in the abstract for me where I talk about it

[00:10:24] poetic we are kind of like wax poetic about it um but especially we've been on the road now for

[00:10:30] about two weeks doing doing this run for for the album and it's really showed me um it's just

[00:10:39] affirmed that this artistic pursuit for myself is not all about me uh and that there is a

[00:10:47] selflessness in it you know and that's been my biggest kind of I've been able to really rally around

[00:10:53] that and be like oh there the deep meaning that I've always felt my expression has is not just me

[00:11:00] being pretentious and that there's really something to it yeah and that it does do something for people

[00:11:06] um and that's it you know I think like this this process of self discovery and then externalizing

[00:11:13] the self discovery to allow others to resonate with it and do with it as they do uh it's it's been the most

[00:11:21] um encouraging feeling I'm curious about the ego part you this is correct from the firm wrong

[00:11:29] this is the first album in English correct yeah congratulations thank you thank you

[00:11:34] accomplished for me appreciate that um to go on a tour after dropping an album seeing the reception

[00:11:42] yeah on socials live in person city to city living the lifestyle yeah the ego can get carried away

[00:11:50] very quickly in the wrong direction sure and when you talk about using the ego instead of letting

[00:11:56] the ego use you how do you do that you know I think my career has had a very interesting trajectory

[00:12:03] um like I said I grew up on karnatic music that's the the form that raised me I dove into the world

[00:12:09] of like solar and being all that when I was young just self-taught in that way um but post-college I

[00:12:17] had a big break in Indian films I started singing for Indian films with era man in 2012

[00:12:24] and that was the direction I never expected my career to go in um but it happens there

[00:12:28] indefinitely and and I really kind of like took that left turn and the last decade has basically

[00:12:34] been me kind of scaling that whole industry and and making it to the very top of it and becoming

[00:12:40] quite famous I'm so grateful that it happened where I my relationship with famous celebrity occurred

[00:12:48] with music that I didn't write over there my playback singers so I'm I'm giving voice to songs

[00:12:53] composed by someone else and written by someone else and for those who don't know that basically when

[00:12:57] you're watching a ballie would film for example the actors start lip singing correct you're the one

[00:13:02] that's actually singing that's right yeah that's right yeah and yeah it you know kind of rose to

[00:13:10] dizzying heights in that world and that was my exercise and really understanding ego specifically

[00:13:17] with regards to me as a kid I had the spiritual kind of path with music but in parallel there was

[00:13:23] always a deep yearning to be famous I knew I was good at what I did and I was like I need everyone

[00:13:28] to know that I'm this good and it happened you know I became a celebrity and I had

[00:13:41] my wrestling with that relationship with celebrity and the ego and it really kind of like you

[00:13:46] know for a point there took control of me and I had to wrestle it back down and understand so I

[00:13:52] think what would I have seen if I saw the ego winning I don't really know I've always been really

[00:14:00] good at masking it you know I mean it's never been like this outward thing but I knew in my brain

[00:14:07] because what I thought of myself in my head was I had you know I my head was bloated for sure

[00:14:14] but because I was good at masking it it was like this weird duality where I could tell that some of

[00:14:19] the stuff I was saying was phony but in myself I'm thinking something different so it was like

[00:14:24] almost like this fake humility that I was putting forth in moments I can eat away at a person

[00:14:30] it did and that's what really forced me to be like yo look at yourself in the metaphorical mirror

[00:14:39] and and really kind of assess who it is you are instead of having to play this game of

[00:14:50] of multiple identities that was the impetus you know I didn't mean the fact that it was eating away

[00:14:57] at me it was making it really hard for me to feel like I had a consistent identity that was just

[00:15:05] like me I was kind of wearing these different hats in different contexts and it was a very

[00:15:12] it was just detrimental to self and I think it was also really causing a certain blockage in my

[00:15:18] artistic pursuit as well so when I say you know using the ego and not letting it control me I do

[00:15:25] think the ego is an important part of a human being you know it from in many ways it's been for me

[00:15:36] you know the fire that that really pushes me to strive for certain things or assert myself as

[00:15:43] like this is who I am and I've learned to have that healthy relationship to know this is the function

[00:15:51] of what it does is cannot be the end all you know on the other side it can't be completely

[00:16:02] not present it has to it has a role to play um so where are you now in that journey I think I'm

[00:16:08] just about to the at that point where I'm striking that balance where on my best days I know exactly who I

[00:16:16] am and because I know who I am I'm able to have that you know take a step back and be like oh this is

[00:16:25] let's say there's a certain day where and again most of this stuff is internal but a certain thought

[00:16:29] crosses my head that feels like it is um like if I like a chip on my shoulder about something

[00:16:37] I've learned to really mitigate that and and and just shake the chip off because I've learned

[00:16:43] that that doesn't do anyone any good definitely doesn't do me any good to to have this sense of

[00:16:49] resentment or or weight that comes from that kind of feeling you know I I uh where I am now is

[00:16:56] the understanding that I am a very powerful and important uh source of energy in human form but

[00:17:05] I'm also like things are not that deep sometimes you can just chill I don't have to take myself all

[00:17:12] that seriously every day you know what I mean like that part's hard it's harder than it sounds

[00:17:17] especially when you've you know made your artistic pursuit something that has a lot of weight to it

[00:17:22] you know what I mean like I you feel there's a purpose there's a meaning behind what you're doing

[00:17:26] and you have to live up to that meaning that you've put together essentially

[00:17:31] 100% you know and um and that meaning is something that I believe is is profound

[00:17:39] but you know like and making this album is really what did it for me man where I uh

[00:17:46] it has to be fun too you know like I used to really romanticize this idea of the the starving like

[00:17:54] uh it's like really struggling artist you know like the whole divincipe thing um I romanticized

[00:18:02] that so hard when I was just starting college and when I was at Berkeley in in college that's when

[00:18:07] I started writing music for the first time so like I was kind of like trying to like grab at like

[00:18:13] what's my artistic identity going to be finding your voice yeah and there was obviously the musical

[00:18:19] voice and like the different um cultural musical influences that I was pulling together but then

[00:18:26] on the conceptual kind of in that that space I I really just put this again this this artist who's

[00:18:34] in pain kind of thing at the very core of who I was and that drove so much of what I was doing

[00:18:40] for a while and then I uh I made this album and for the first time I really collaborated with other

[00:18:48] individuals you know I um I met human beings that are now friends for life uh through the process of

[00:18:55] making this album and making music just became this really fun exercise uh where relationship

[00:19:01] building relationship building lots of telling jokes you know what I mean like just like five or six

[00:19:07] of us in the studio together making music without any agenda or ego or we're just there to make

[00:19:13] music it was like tail end of the pandemic like May or June of 2021 when I made my first trip to

[00:19:19] Minneapolis to work on this record um I made the trip out there very kind of just like on a whim

[00:19:28] I met a producer through Instagram uh his name is Ryan Olson who's Minneapolis based and

[00:19:34] I'd never been to that city so I just went out there just be like let me see what's going on over here

[00:19:38] spent three days over there and those three days changed my life but we were just in the studio

[00:19:44] together like all of us and I think for yeah for all of us we hadn't gotten to be in a room with each

[00:19:51] like other people in a while so everyone was just excited to be in a room together it's making music

[00:19:57] and um it was this overwhelmingly positive joyous experience and it was this experience in relationship

[00:20:08] building in opening myself up and being vulnerable with other individuals and without a sense of fear

[00:20:16] of judgment or anything else why is that part so important the vulnerable part

[00:20:21] I asked that because the ethos of this podcast is having conversations around pulling the

[00:20:27] curtain back on vulnerability, destigmatizing that through vulnerability there's strength

[00:20:32] not weakness so I'm always curious when someone talks about vulnerability to know why they

[00:20:38] specifically see vulnerability as a strength yeah I mean I think

[00:20:50] as human beings I feel like as we get older we we shroud ourselves you know and it's layers on layers

[00:20:56] over time and it sometimes those layers act as like necessary shields perhaps

[00:21:07] but I think more often than not it just kind of like those layers take us far away from the source

[00:21:14] of who we are my only real pursuit right now is just to be as honest as I can possibly

[00:21:26] possibly be you know every day whether it be in music or in conversation just in every way

[00:21:32] and not for not for some like no-bowl thing but just because it's the easiest way to be happy

[00:21:38] and I think opening yourself up being vulnerable is really more than anything else an exercise

[00:21:46] in deeply embracing oneself not having the fear to be like no this is the depth of who I am

[00:21:51] this is the the most naked most honest most direct version of who I am and what I've learned is

[00:22:02] life is crazy there's so many forces externally that are constantly flying around

[00:22:07] you know and there's so many variables and turns and for me I want to be as I don't want to be

[00:22:15] doing that stuff to myself internally there's enough going on I think for me to be able to really

[00:22:22] just walk through the good days and the bad days the vulnerability the being you know naked in that

[00:22:31] way has just brought me the most peace and I think that's you know for the longest time my whole

[00:22:41] life has been this kind of reckoning of one who am I as I start to see glimmers of who I am that

[00:22:48] I you know the inner battle of do I want to show people this is it okay or I'm why I be received

[00:22:54] or judged or you know and you get to a point where you realize like most of the judgment is just

[00:23:02] judgment you're doing to yourself what's the most negative thing you've said to yourself oh man it

[00:23:07] goes deep but to just maybe just encapsulated just that you're not worthy you know versions of that

[00:23:19] and those versions go super deep uh insert in directions but that's a hard thing to

[00:23:26] not just to say to yourself but to start to believe it and then get out of that yeah I'm in

[00:23:32] I've been and the process of getting out of it is so it's like this you know it's it's not a straight

[00:23:37] line there's no it's because some days you feel on top of the world other days you're like down and

[00:23:45] it just takes a lot of reengineering within yourself uh of setting a foundation a baseline of

[00:23:55] saying no you're you're worth it and that is your baseline start from that point and build everything

[00:24:01] from there you know and that has been um and sometimes you get the blessing of of uh

[00:24:07] uh

[00:24:10] because these can be direct conversations within yourself right but there's also sometimes other

[00:24:15] mechanisms that undo these knots for you you know and again this making the creation of this album

[00:24:24] was alchemic in so many ways we made music that felt really magical but for me personally

[00:24:29] it undidged so many knots without me even knowing it was a process where

[00:24:33] we got hit with this creative wave um and sometimes when those creative waves hit you the hit you

[00:24:41] in such a way that you have you have no choice but to surrender to them it's like the divine just

[00:24:45] comes down but like no this is what you're gonna do right now so I wasn't thinking about a damn

[00:24:50] thing while making this album I was just waking up and channeling every day saying okay

[00:24:55] all I gotta do is turn my mind off and and and receive whatever's coming and put it down

[00:25:00] and we took about eight months to finish the album and and coming out on the other side of it I just

[00:25:07] felt that a lot of these knots and a lot of these pressure points and these uh internal blockages

[00:25:14] or whatnot that were really keeping me from myself start to come undone uh and I'm still

[00:25:22] re-acclimate and relearning myself right now you know uh I think putting the project out

[00:25:31] and just releasing it into the world was big but really kind of doing these shows

[00:25:38] has been the those have been the points of deep clarity of like oh these knots have gotten undone

[00:25:46] I am uh the fear of judgment the am I worthy um is what I do on a daily basis is there some worth

[00:25:58] to it you know is there a purpose I feel like I'm my feet are very very firmly planted right now

[00:26:07] so I want to ask you I want to challenge you for a moment as an artist there's a ton of external

[00:26:14] validation which can become a slippery slope because then you start to internally validate

[00:26:19] validate based on the external so when you talk about the shows the shows are external

[00:26:25] validation yeah there's fans who paid money to come see you spend hours with you cheered you on

[00:26:31] and then left and signed up to your Spotify playlist found your album etc.

[00:26:39] sure where's your line between the external and the internal validation

[00:26:45] we're not masking it with the external

[00:26:52] hmm I don't know if they're I'll say this I don't know if there's a line between the two I kind of

[00:26:57] have accepted them as one okay but

[00:27:00] the masking of it it has been something that I've taken off

[00:27:07] like it's just taken that out the picture where and I guess what I mean by that is

[00:27:16] I don't think I'm not even thinking I'm not using

[00:27:22] the energy or the validation that comes from the outside anymore to kind of like paint a layer

[00:27:28] around aspects of myself what it feels like is at these shows we're in one space together

[00:27:36] on the best nights it feels like the whole room is just like that feeling I felt when I was a

[00:27:41] kid of hovering above the ground like we're all doing that together and the energy that I get from

[00:27:47] people not even the ones that scream which is also great but the ones that are just like

[00:27:52] locked in locked in and like I can see their soul and they can see mine feels like

[00:27:59] to give me beyond validation to give me this like deep essential energy that I can internalize

[00:28:07] and it just becomes a part of my uh yeah my spirit you know and I feel like I give them the same

[00:28:16] and when that happens there is really no barrier between how I feel about myself how I feel

[00:28:21] about them how they feel about me it's just one the collective energy thing it comes back to that

[00:28:26] and those those moments feel like a real uh yeah just affirmation that that belief that I have that

[00:28:37] you know we are all interconnected is deeply deeply true as fact and not just like something that

[00:28:43] I'm like pie in the sky talking about you know so it goes in those moments and that's why I think

[00:28:49] these last few weeks have been so special it goes far beyond validation yeah it just becomes

[00:28:56] a spiritual exchange um where I walk off that stage and I don't

[00:29:06] the feeling and I've I've had shows in the past where I walk off stage be like oh I'm the shit like

[00:29:11] you know I like I did that yeah and there's nothing wrong with that no it's good but these shows

[00:29:17] I walk off stage just feeling charged up like like I just got like like I'm a battery that's got

[00:29:26] like you know fed um and in those moments I don't think about like kill that or this no it's just

[00:29:34] like you're just hovering on that that feeling I think the important thing to do is and

[00:29:39] the good thing for me is I've had you know this decade of experience doing some really big shows

[00:29:45] intimate shows and the whole kind of spectrum uh in between is that energy can feel somewhat drug

[00:29:54] like at sometimes when you come off stage and you can start craving it in a way that's not healthy

[00:30:00] um but I have good people around me that's uh I'm glad you say that that was my next question for

[00:30:06] you yeah was how do you protect the energy yeah because this is an industry and from all the

[00:30:12] conversations I've had with other artists this can be a very uh conniving industry sure

[00:30:18] right like you could run into some very bad people who have very bad intentions for you

[00:30:23] sure they want to take advantage of your name your your arts they just basically see you as

[00:30:28] money come on exactly for sure so how are you protecting that how are you keeping your circle so

[00:30:35] positive yeah I mean just I think just like having learned discernment of the years um my dad

[00:30:40] manages me okay which is a huge thing um because that's always an interesting dynamic sometimes

[00:30:47] oh it's been interesting but it's been the most it's the thing that keeps me the most grounded

[00:30:52] okay um lucky yeah straight up yeah you know it's a blessing uh he uh he obviously knows me deeply

[00:31:03] and the good thing is with us like our relationship growing up you know we really

[00:31:08] um we're very different individuals yeah both of us and um so we you know we figured it out

[00:31:17] growing up and then in this process it's just a person that one

[00:31:26] he knows me deeply too

[00:31:28] you

[00:31:30] we both always know like what the potential of this is right so anytime I start to get a little

[00:31:37] cated away I know there's one dude who's just like all right till like there's more to do yeah

[00:31:43] you know and that has been such and he's the most honest person I've ever met so I know like when

[00:31:48] I'm when he's saying something it's like okay it's there's no agenda

[00:31:54] and it's coming from a place of pure honesty so even if sometimes it doesn't sit right with me

[00:32:01] I know

[00:32:03] when there's something that's been like when someone is like truly honest with you

[00:32:09] even if you don't like what they're saying sometimes you know the value in it you know

[00:32:13] so I think that has keeping me grounded and my own discernment of just like human beings which

[00:32:17] I've just learned over the years um you know after a point you can read and tell when someone's spirit

[00:32:26] is kind and truthful and genuine and sincere and my whole band everyone that I move with from

[00:32:36] the musicians to my engineer to the tour managers it's just good people

[00:32:43] um that's like the baseline like is there goodness in their heart and there's been some musicians

[00:32:47] that I've worked with were incredible musicians like insane musicians but their heart hasn't always

[00:32:54] felt like it's maybe for them it's in the right place but it doesn't necessarily like resonate

[00:32:58] with the way I operate so you know I've had to move away from some of those individuals and just

[00:33:05] really again practice this um just being very discerning about what I feel like I need

[00:33:13] what are my anchor points in terms of just like my code of ethics and all that and building

[00:33:22] everything around that I mentioned my pops my mom is my music teacher to this day

[00:33:29] my sister she's she's a couple years older than me she's a professor at Colorado College but

[00:33:34] also an artist to dancer a musician herself so you know like this is my core unit one

[00:33:41] they're all my best friends and two there are people that I strive to be as good as

[00:33:48] and that has allowed me yeah you know it's I've never well I've had moments when I was younger where

[00:33:56] I felt like a balloon that was kind of flying away but as I've matured and I really understood

[00:34:01] the value of the people around me and what they really mean to me and I've learned not to take

[00:34:06] people for granted um that's the thing that's really just kept me grounded and it's allowed me

[00:34:11] to protect my energy you know and really uh not be concerned not feel like I have to control everything

[00:34:21] because I have these folks that that that are going to look out and and also just keep me keep

[00:34:29] grounded remind me who I am and why I'm doing this for sure what happens in your relationship with

[00:34:34] your father who's also your manager where's the my dad is talking versus my manager is talking it's

[00:34:42] all one thing always it's all one thing it's like we're on this journey together and for me for

[00:34:50] better or worse the personal and the professional are the same I don't even look at it like that

[00:34:56] anymore where it's it you know because like I'm not dealing in something that is inorganic I'm

[00:35:02] I'm dealing in music yeah you know so for me there really is no line between the personal and

[00:35:08] the artistic it's it's all coming from the same place and I know I've heard

[00:35:15] that there's a necessity to demarcate you know between your personal life and

[00:35:21] the professional life but again coming back to the idea

[00:35:25] and this artistic pursuit there is I don't believe that there's any barrier um I think when you start

[00:35:33] to really siphon off yourself and like silo parts of your life that can be very unhealthy and I've

[00:35:41] dealt with that in terms of my identity in terms of being Indian American and having

[00:35:47] multiple identities within myself and really trying to keep them apart for a long time

[00:35:52] I learned how detrimental that was to myself um are those identities fused now it just feels like

[00:35:59] a spectrum you know like a kaleidoscopic spectrum of who I am so if someone listening watching this

[00:36:06] is currently struggling with their identity in the same way you know they they move to another country

[00:36:13] um they're not sure if in your case for example they're they're not American enough and

[00:36:19] they're not Indian enough right depending on where they're questioning this yeah what advice could

[00:36:26] you give those folks those folks to find a way to get to where you're at the level you're at of

[00:36:33] just being comfortable with the fact that it is a spectrum sure um well I'll speak to my experience

[00:36:41] and say this uh I was clinging on so hard to this need to keep these worlds apart within myself

[00:36:52] and I thought that was the way to really protect each identity

[00:36:59] and it's just a fallacy thinking in that way that you know like you're different people within yourself

[00:37:08] I think I don't even know if I call it advice but my process is

[00:37:15] and it hasn't been conscious all the time you know sometimes it's like just subconscious kind of

[00:37:23] through the process of living um certain things start to fall this way makes sense

[00:37:28] you know um but if I could have been more conscious about it what I think I would have told myself

[00:37:36] was um it's a futile exercise to try to divide yourself up into different people like what's in

[00:37:45] Harry Potter or Horcruxes yeah you know and we see what happens when it happens and that

[00:37:51] is the same thing you tear yourself apart exactly and so in this attempt to try to uh

[00:37:59] hold close to yourself like and and really control these things within you're gonna tear yourself

[00:38:06] apart and what I would tell myself is that it is so much more peaceful just accept yourself as a

[00:38:13] spectrum of all these different things you don't have to just be one thing in one room and another

[00:38:19] thing in another room you could be everything all the time and it does get confusing you know still

[00:38:25] but I think the term that I always use one to describe this music but first and foremost to describe

[00:38:33] myself is just kaleidoscopic you know I think on as you know what I'd say is it's beautiful to be

[00:38:41] able to enjoy oneself and embrace oneself as uh

[00:38:50] just all the shades of who you are um

[00:38:55] the beauty in terms of like when this light hits something a certain way on a certain day

[00:39:01] it appears a certain way on another day it lights and another way it's gonna you know what I mean

[00:39:06] and like that is so damn beautiful and I

[00:39:15] Another big thing is like you don't have to try to be cool

[00:39:18] I think that's the biggest thing you know what I mean like yeah because like some guys struggle with

[00:39:22] big time you know if you're not constantly cool or doing something cool

[00:39:29] yeah you're somehow like you must then yeah and I think that now that we're talking is the

[00:39:35] biggest thing is like this need to appear a certain way um why do you think we do that as guys

[00:39:46] I mean I'm sure so much of it is societal you know the constructs that have been placed on

[00:39:51] these gender identities that men are supposed to be this way and appear this way and

[00:39:56] um

[00:40:01] tough unemotional closed off yeah only to lead a life of suffering and quiet and then eventually it

[00:40:08] blows up one day for sure and I think

[00:40:15] ultimately the onus is on each individual

[00:40:18] to realize that that whole societal construct is bullshit you know I don't know from a lot

[00:40:26] to curse you are okay cool yeah it's it's it's

[00:40:37] I'll save this I found deep solace in finding my sensitivity and the tenderness within myself

[00:40:45] and there's something beautiful in that it's everything yeah it's it's it's

[00:40:51] and that doesn't mean that you can't like fend for yourself and be hard when you need to be and

[00:40:55] you know like those are still elements of self that I think are very important but I think

[00:41:01] to be able to really do that you need to know tenderness you need to know warmth you need to

[00:41:07] know vulnerability those are necessary to be able to tap into all aspects of who you are I don't

[00:41:13] even look at it as like two different things I think warmth tenderness kindness vulnerability

[00:41:18] at the core as like your engine as as the this power source that can then emanate outwards and

[00:41:26] everything you do is going to be sourced in love and sincerity and I I think there's nothing more

[00:41:34] uh powerful cool you know whatever than that that that is the the real deal um

[00:41:44] another thing you know like there's the aspect of being a man for me being a brown dude going up

[00:41:50] in western society you know it's like comes with its own complex layers and that's never sought

[00:41:55] anyone as like an example in terms of like I saw obviously my father but I'm saying like in terms

[00:42:01] of like on the screen on people that look like you yeah nothing you know and now it's starting to change

[00:42:07] and I'm proud to be an agent of that change for the generation that's younger than myself

[00:42:12] but for me going up in the 90s we didn't see anything so there was nothing to like one strive

[00:42:19] towards and in retrospect I'm kind of grateful for that because it gave me this boundless playing

[00:42:23] field though there was a lot of identity crisis mixed in I could dream of whatever you know there

[00:42:30] was there was no blueprint and there still isn't you know we're really drawing this out as we go um

[00:42:36] but because there was nothing to look towards I had to look to to other cultures or whatnot and try

[00:42:48] to piece together what I thought cool was and yeah you know ultimately you realize just let that go

[00:42:55] there's no need for it because I think the most attractive thing the most inspiring thing to be

[00:43:02] one is just deeply oneself but also the word I always come back to and again in this album that we

[00:43:08] made it was at the very core of it but sincerity I think that's the most beautiful thing someone

[00:43:14] can be and you can see it in someone's eyes is when they're sincere there's like this warmth that

[00:43:20] is just like deeply present and yeah coming back to like someone who might be feeling identity crisis

[00:43:29] I think that is the thing just lean into sincerity lean into yourself lean into the warmth and

[00:43:36] the vulnerability that exists within yourself and that is going to unlock most of the doors for you

[00:43:42] if you do it with a sense of like real purpose and discipline that's another big one you know I

[00:43:48] think these are not easy processes at all they take the daily man like this is this is what this is

[00:43:56] how I'm gonna approach my life and that's when I found myself having the most growth when I

[00:44:02] dedicate because you can have one day where you're really on it in the next day you're like oh fuck

[00:44:07] all that I'm you know that's not feeling it and but when the discipline and the discipline I've

[00:44:15] learned is through my pursuit of Indian classical music that really instilled in me a sense of

[00:44:23] and now I can use that rigor in all these different ways but I think that discipline of waking

[00:44:27] up every day and saying no this is how I'm gonna approach my life this is how I view the world

[00:44:33] as how I view myself and these are the baselines I've set for myself and let's build on that I

[00:44:38] think that discipline is also really important because it doesn't come easy and doesn't just magically

[00:44:43] happen it takes work you know I'm gonna ask you to on the topic of advice and identity and

[00:44:54] you know growing up dealing with that constant tug of war if you had an opportunity to talk to

[00:45:03] young Sid right you walk into your childhood bedroom yeah he's sitting there dealing with all the

[00:45:10] emotions what would you say to him it's a good question man

[00:45:26] oh man I'll probably

[00:45:28] I'll say stay the course you know I'd say go a little easier on yourself you know

[00:45:58] and just like really lean in lean into yourself and stop trying to run away so much I think I spent

[00:46:08] so much of my childhood adolescence coming back to what we're talking about before just not believing

[00:46:18] that was worthy or really kind of understanding forget the music but just like the brilliance

[00:46:24] and the beauty that existed within within myself I was always running away from it always trying to

[00:46:31] rationalize to myself that I wasn't that so if I were to come in contact with the younger version

[00:46:38] of myself at any stage even my college just trust in yourself and and and take the time to sit

[00:46:50] in silence and and allow that to guide you be comfortable with with with that silence and

[00:46:58] and just listen you know um instead of trying to run so much I think

[00:47:06] I was always I was always running and the blessing that I had was music you know it

[00:47:16] and always kind of brought me back so I would say sit still don't be hard on yourself we're as

[00:47:28] harder than yourself as you are and then another thing just like learn that discipline thing

[00:47:33] you know and I mean I feel like if I had dedicated and I mean it's like you can't really ask that

[00:47:36] of like a five-year-old but I think once I started to you know I think if yeah just believe

[00:47:44] that you're as good of a person as you are I think I would have said that there was um

[00:47:51] sorry they had me in a chokehold you don't like to apologize ever um

[00:47:56] well I think that's what I would say I would say that and I I also chill out things are gonna be

[00:48:04] good you know I think I've been another one for sure thank you for sharing that yes sir um

[00:48:11] and thank you for sharing your time with me oh man this has been a wonderful way to spend the

[00:48:15] morning honestly no it's it's been my pleasure my honor um you do amazing things amazing work

[00:48:22] and you're in it for a good reason which I always love to see because I think a lot of people

[00:48:29] chase fame for the wrong reasons sure and even though you openly admit that there was a part of

[00:48:34] you that chased the fame the fact that you chased the fame acquired the fame and then still had

[00:48:39] the self-awareness to stop and go this is not who I am sure and change paths and go towards a

[00:48:46] thing that made you feel your most authentic self takes courage takes discipline uh it takes

[00:48:54] going through fear and shit and all the the doubts you could have lived the cozy life and instead

[00:48:59] went no this is not who I am I'm gonna do something different sure that's incredible that's

[00:49:04] inspiring man thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

[00:49:11] it's just even a little bit of that so that they can apply that in their own life and it makes me

[00:49:16] start to think about where I can apply something like that in my life so thank you for sharing your

[00:49:20] time with me I appreciate that man I think if it's one thing that I've learned of this last decade

[00:49:24] and a half like my life is taking me in a bunch of different places and I'm proud of all of it

[00:49:31] it all makes me who I am you know and uh yeah I'm I'm grateful to be where I'm at right now I

[00:49:40] appreciate this conversation it's been beautiful well it just means we have to do a part two one day

[00:49:44] let's do it for sure I'll be back sure said thank you so much brother lots of love brother thank you

[00:49:49] so much everybody appreciate it